I roll over on my side, anxious to tell him how much last night meant to me. To tell him that I cared about him, and to reassure him that I am okay with a long distance relationship. Miami really isn’t that far away. I can deal with distance. I’ll drive down to see him on the weekend and sometimes he can come here. We can make it work. Besides, if things work out between us, I’d be willing to relocate for him.
I’m so busy planning that it doesn’t hit me at first. But when it does it feels like the world stops turning.
I’m alone in the room.
My first thought is that he’s probably just in the restroom. I lean over his side of the bed and look down on the floor and Allen’s clothes are gone. I touch his pillow and it’s cool. Allen hasn’t been in the bed for a while.
Pain…white hot pain shreds me.
Allen left. After everything… he left.
I mean, he said he was going to. It’s not like he lied to me, but after what we shared I just assumed…
“You’re an idiot, Jessie,” I grumble to myself. I get up from the bed feeling hurt and foolish. It doesn’t matter that I have no right to be; I still feel that way. I walk toward the bathroom and with each step I take my body feels sore, reminding me of just what kind of workout I had last night. That only makes me hate myself a little more. I turn the hot water on in the shower, try ing to just focus on the here and now, and not on Allen. I get in under the spray, and as the water moves over my body, I stare blankly at the tiled wall.
“You’re so beautiful, Jessie. You’re everything.”
Allen’s words from the night before come back to me and I close my eyes against their sweetness. They obviously weren’t true. If they were he would have at least stayed long enough to say goodbye. I slide against the wall of the shower until my ass hits the ground. I close my eyes as the heated stream of water pours down on me and I let myself cry.
I cry for the fact that I finally met the man I’ve always dreamed of. I cry because I touched something so sweet I never knew it existed, but most of all I cry because I think I’ve met the man that I will love for the rest of my life and I’ve lost him…
Because he doesn’t love me back.
18
Allen
“What’s going on with you?”
I look over at Ana and shake my head. I don’t want this conversation and the morning I left St. Augustine I made it clear to both her and Roman that I didn’t want to discuss any of this. Ana’s been silent for three days, which I know is hard for her and because of that, I knew this was coming. I know what she’s asking, but I’m going to ignore it and hope she takes the hint.
“Just doing my job, sis,” I tell her and that’s not a lie. We’re standing outside of Roman’s office door at his club. He’s in there talking with the club’s manager. My job today is to make sure no one disturbs him, to make sure no one gets near enough to hurt him. Roman’s a powerful man and he has some major enemies. Sometimes I keep Ana and my nephew safe, sometimes I protect Roman. It’s a job he trusts me with—despite my past—and I will never fail him. I owe Roman more than I could ever explain. He might not be a good man in the eye of Miami’s finest—although he’s cleaned up his organization since marrying Ana and having a baby with her. Still he’s not squeaky clean and he’s warned Ana he probably never will be. He loves her, though, and she loves him. They made their peace on the other stuff and I’ve never seen two people more in love. There was a time when Roman thought he had lost Ana forever and the man crumbled. I didn’t truly understand it, not then, but after three days without Jessie, I think I’m finally beginning to. The difference, however, is that Roman—despite what the law around here thinks—is the best man I’ve ever met. He deserves happiness. He deserves Ana and his child and he proves that every day.
I am a selfish prick who wasn’t even strong enough to stay away from Jessie when I knew going in that she deserved better. I’m the selfish prick who held her all night and wished things could be different, that I could be a man she was proud of and then left before the morning sun came up—without a word, because I knew there was nothing I could do to change my past.
“I never realized what a moron you were, Allen.”
“I doubt that. You nearly destroyed your life trying to save mine,” I tell her, clearing my throat because it feels like those words tear up my insides just from the effort it takes to speak them.
“You’re not that person, Allen. Not anymore.”
“I am that person, Ana. I’ll always be that person. I was an addict, scum who did unspeakable things just for my next high. I nearly got my own sister killed and back then I wouldn’t have cared. I hated you. I blamed you.”
“It was my fault,” she whispers, her voice full of sorrow and that sorrow is so thick it threatens to drown me. It sounds completely wrong coming from my sister too. A sister who deserves nothing but happiness and is finally living her dream.
“It wasn’t your fault. You didn’t know just how sick the world was.”
“But, Allen—”
“Ana, you know I don’t talk about this shit. I know you feel guilty over it and part of that’s my fault because I blamed you.”
“You should have!” she cries.
“No. I shouldn’t have. You had no control over the man that … the man that did that to me. I blamed you, because it was easy to blame you. Not because it was your fault. You were just a kid too.”
“I was the older sister. I should have protected you, not hid in a closet,” she argues her voice full of old pain. There are tears shining in her eyes and I hate them. Ana’s cried enough over me.
“He was coming after you. And you were only three years older. We were children. You ran and hid. Hell, I would have too… eventually I did.”
“He just kept finding you.”
“It’s over now. I’m not that scared kid and, thanks to you and Roman, I’m not the boy hiding behind his memories in drugs. I’m clean, I’ve put the past behind me. I live a good life.”
“It would be better with Jessie in it,” Ana says, proving she’s never going to be the girl who lets sleeping dogs lie.
“I may be a different person, but all that stuff is still in my past, Ana. Jessie is special. She’s innocent. Do you really think she deserves a man like me in her life?” I ask her, and even asking I know it’s not fair. Ana knows about the man who made my life hell. She doesn’t know about the blood on my hands. That’s a secret only Roman and I share and it will stay that way.
“I think she would be lucky to have a man like you in her life. You have so much to offer, Allen,” Ana says softly, her hand coming up to touch the side of my face. “You deserve happiness, little brother. More than anyone I know.”
“Happiness is not meant for people who grew up like we did, Ana. You got your miracle because of Roman. It’s best not to rock the boat trying to get another.”
“I think you’re wrong, Allen. I think Jessie is your miracle. You just need to give her a chance.”
“You’re right, Ana. She is my miracle. She pushed my memories away and it was great, even if it was for only one night. But Jessie… She deserves better than an ex-addict with memories that still manage to leave him lying in his own sweat and filled with disgust in the middle of the night. She deserves only good and happiness in this world. The last thing she needs is me. So let it drop, will you?”
“Stubborn. You always were such a stubborn man, Allen.” I give her a half smile and she kisses my cheek. “I love you, brother,” she whispers in my ear.
“Love you too, sis.”
“In case you didn’t know, Allen, I’m proud you’re my brother,” she says and for a minute I feel like I’ve been sucker punched. There’s no way I can respond; it hurts too much to even breathe.
She pulls away and squeezes my hand before going into Roman’s office. I close my eyes against the pain and the memories she’s unearthed. I beat them back down. That’s what I do.
That’s how I survive.