I sat between Bree and Audria on the plane, and we’d just hit that point where my ears felt like they flooded with wet cotton. I wiggled in my seat in discomfort, then tried to yawn a couple times to no avail.
Bree was wearing a gigantic black hoodie, which was so far from her normal style that I wanted to laugh out loud every time I looked at her. The sleeves were so big and baggy that she kept having to hold her arms in the air and wiggle them to free her hands.
“Are you going to tell me what the deal is with your hoodie, or do I have to ask?” I said.
She pulled the hood over her head, pretending not to hear.
I yanked her earbuds out and leaned forward, forcing her to acknowledge me. “Tell me, or I’ll tickle it out of you, right here on this plane in front of everybody. And you know what happened last time I tickled you in public.”
That got her attention. “It’s a friend’s hoodie. He wanted me to have it for the trip since he was worried I’d miss him.”
I leaned in and sniffed it. “Ahh, yes. I can smell the teenage boy lust all over it. A friend, huh? Is he cute?”
“He is cute, but it’s not like that. He’s just… Complicated. Okay?”
Normally, I would’ve officially begun the interrogation and dug out every last detail. Instead, the world complicated only called up an image of Landon’s face. No matter how much annoyance and anger was tangled up with that image, it still made something in my chest feel heavy. Definitely not my heart. It was probably a lung, or something.
“Woah,” Bree said. As usual, she was frustratingly perceptive. “Not like you to leave low hanging fruit without at least taking a swing.”
I shrugged. “Sorry. I just couldn’t decide between saying nothing was complicated about giving blowjobs when micropenises are involved or that this guy was absolutely stalking your social accounts by now.”
“One. I didn’t need to know about your extensive experience with micropenises. Two. He’s just a friend. Seriously.”
Audria leaned over. “Then why did he practically give that hoodie a bath in his cologne? He’s clearly trying to psychologically program you. He wants you to associate that smell with the great time you’re going to have at the wedding. When you get back, you’ll see him and bam. For some reason the overpowering aroma of his cologne is going to make you feel attracted to him.”
Bree rolled her eyes.
“She’s not entirely wrong,” I said. “Classical conditioning. If you pair two stimuli together enough times, our brains make associations between them.”
“I know all about Pavlov’s dogs,” Bree said with the stuffy, know-it-all tone teenagers were masters of. “Apparently, Grandpa Willy did, too.”
“Wait,” I said. “What is that supposed to mean?”
“Just that it would’ve been a miracle if you didn’t classically condition yourself to have some good feelings when you see Landon by the time you finish that list. I mean, come on. He was obviously trying to set you two up.”
“That’s stupid,” I said.
“Also gross,” Audria added. “Landon is practically her stepbrother, if what he said is true.”
“Now hold on,” I said. “I don’t think that’s really true. If your adoptive grandfather had a son, he’d be more like…”
Bree made a barfing gesture. “Yeah. He’s more like your stepdad.”
Both her and Audria started cracking up.
“Stop,” I said, covering my face and laughing. “Technically, it wouldn’t be anything. We were adopted, not married into a family. Either way, I’m over him now so it’s irrelevant.”
Bree squinted. “Are you though? You were pretty ready to run away. People usually only run from things they’re scared of. And me? I think you’re scared you’ll take him back.”
Audria nodded wisely. “The old siren call of the cock. It’s deadly, I hear.”
I gave them both an unamused look. “Believe it or not, my attraction to him died with my trust. So, no. There’s no siren call.”
Bree blew a raspberry. “Bull. A guy like that could read you passages from the encyclopedia and it’d be erotic.” She dipped her chin and did her best impression of Landon’s deep, gruff voice. “And the male hummingbird slides his beak into the flower’s narrow entrance. If he can’t siphon its precious juices, he won’t have the energy to find another. His life quite literally depends on getting his beak wet.”
I shook my head, laughing sourly. “I’m just planning to enjoy this wedding. It’ll give me a few days away from Landon and the stupid list. Who knows, maybe I’ll even meet somebody new to take my mind off of him.”
“Right,” Audria said. “Because you’re totally the type of person to hook up with random guys on a trip.”
“And,” Bree said. “You’re not exactly prime real estate right now if you think about it. I mean, what kind of new boyfriend wants to find out his woman is working on a BDSM to-do list with Mr. Supermodel?”