“Would you just do your job and stop asking questions?”
I glared at her, even though she wasn’t looking. “If you want to keep calling it a job, you might consider paying me on the reg.”
“If you want more money, try writing a column that actually gets some hits. Then there might be some money to give you.”
“I keep trying to tell you. Embrace this anal fellatio thing and your site will be a hit. Think of all the unsatisfied men who bounce off the site every day. I can picture it now. ‘Ass-To-Mouth: 5 Dirty Tricks.’”
Rachel pantomimed gagging. “How about, Breast feeding: Jug Gotta See These 5 Tricks to Believe ‘Em.”
I raised my eyebrows. “Jug gotta?”
Rachel held her hands in front of her almost-not-there boobs. “You know. Jugs.”
“I got it, I just… Never mind. It’s your site!” I said cheerily.
After about ten minutes of looking at pictures of mom’s whipping out their milk makers and reading up on the difference between the football hold and the reverse grip upside down cradle style, I was convinced nothing about breastfeeding was appropriate for a dummy. In fact, I was starting to wonder why they didn’t offer degree courses at universities across the country on the subject.
Something warm and furry moved between my legs. I jumped back with an annoyed groan. I lifted my laptop to find Montague the ferret pawing at me. I swatted him away, but I knew he’d be back as soon as he thought I forgot. Little creep.
I pulled up the word processor on my laptop, but instead of the “Breastfeeding for Dummies,” I wrote, “How to Tie Down a Dickweed.” I grinned to myself at the thought of tying Landon to a bed and watching the smug confidence slip off his face for once.
Without any clear purpose in mind, I started to write.
The first step to tying down a dickweed is to avoid getting attached. Attachments are weakness, and you will need all of your strength to overcome the dickweed’s tendency for manipulation. The dickweed is notorious for using his physical gifts to distract and confuse its prey. But you will not be prey. This time, you will be the hunter. You’ll hop on that dickweed and you won’t let go until he comes wi-
I paused, re-read the last sentence, then held the delete button for a few seconds.
You’ll take control of the situation and won’t give it up until you’ve got your chains tied tight around his wrists. And that’s when you walk away, leaving him with a malignant case of blue balls.
I stopped typing when I realized Rachel was breathing over my shoulder. I also noticed her breath smelled like Cheetos. “Who eats Cheetos for breakfast?” I asked.
“Forget that,” she said, staring at my computer. “What is this?”
I snapped the laptop shut and scooted away from her. “Nothing.”
“Are you seeing someone?”
“What part of any of that made it sound like I was seeing someone? And actually, I gotta go early today. There’s some stuff going on with the will I need to look into.”
“Hey,” she said, frowning as she clearly pondered some deep, troubling idea. “Could you clean up what you were writing and make it kind of like a satire column? You know, like female empowerment meets Sex and The City meets Fifty Shades of Grey?”
“That’s going to be a ‘no,’” I said. “If the dickweed in question ever figures out I work for you and gets nosy, I’d die of embarrassment.”
“What, if he realizes you’re fantasizing about tying him down and his big, blue balls?”
I grinned. “Yes. Something like that. So, forget it.”
Rachel chewed the end of her pen. “Think about it. Maybe I’d even pay you on time for something like that.”
“When I’m ready to risk the most uncomfortable moment of my life for a big three dollar pay day, I’ll let you know.”8LandonAndi left the shabby apartment building around noon. I hopped out of my car and jogged toward her.
I called out to get her attention as I was crossing the street.
She stopped and turned like she was expecting to have to fend off a crazy person. When she saw it was me, her expression hardly changed. I had to admit there was still something about her look I liked. I still couldn’t decide if she was innocent and naïve, or if her confident front was real. All I knew was that I’d resorted to stalking her so I could get the truth off my chest before things got any further.
Originally, I’d just planned on telling her when she showed up to the club after my conversation with James. It had been a week since that day at my mom’s apartment, and Andi had been like a ghost. Considering I had the authority to go to the lawyers at any minute and call this whole thing off, I thought it was either stupid, brave, or both for her to assume I’d wait around.