“Please don’t.” Sutton’s free hand drifts over to mine. Her palm is damp and slightly cold, and I can feel her trembling. “Please don’t beg. That’s terrible.”
“I would do anything to make you believe me. I care about you, and I want this. I want it with you. If I lose you, I’m going to spend the rest of my life living with that as a regret. Give me a chance to get my head on straight and treat you the way you deserve to be treated. No more days that didn’t happen. They happened. You happened, and I’m glad you did—no more fake girlfriend bullshit. I want you to be real. My real girlfriend.”
Sutton shudders, but she doesn’t release my hands. She looks down at her feet. I think she’s going to tell me no and my heart plummets straight down to where she’s looking. Now I feel sick. I could probably throw up over the edge of the step too.
“Philippe…I…what if…what if I tell you something, and it’s big. It’s really big. What if it changes everything?”
“It wouldn’t change my mind. Whatever it is. I’m here. I promise. I might be shitty at first, as I need time to learn what it means to actually care for someone properly. I—I need time to learn how to be a good person again, but I promise. I’m here. Are you…you’re not…oh my god, are you sick? Really sick? It doesn’t matter. I’ll be here. Through it all. I swear to you—”
“I’m not sick.” Sutton squeezes my hands. “Not really. Not like that.”
I feel like my whole body deflates as the panic that was overwhelming me ebbs away. “Whatever it is, I’m here. For good. Unless you don’t want me to be.”
Her palms grow even damper. Our hands are practically slippery now, but she clings to me like she never wants to let go. “I think we should go inside,” she whispers softly. “I would like to brush my teeth and get a drink of water. What I have to tell you, I think you and Granny should both hear. Then maybe we can decide what to do together.”
“Okay.” I draw her in gently. Our hands break away, but I wrap her up in my arms instead. She melts against me, a perfect fit.
“I want you too,” she breathes against my shoulder. “Very much. I didn’t know how you felt, and I didn’t know anything about it. But I’m glad you’re here.”
“I’m glad I’m here too.”
“Should we go in? Together?”
My heart leaps at that word. Together. Two of us. An us. The beginning of something I never want to end. Whatever it is that she’s going to tell me, I meant what I said. I’m all in. I’ll spend a lifetime learning how to do that, how to be there for Sutton properly if I have to.
“Yes. Together.” I drop a kiss to her forehead, drape my arm around her waist, and gently steer her inside.
I was walking around like a closed-up asshole for a long time with my eyes shut tightly against all the beauty in the world, because for me, it had gone dark. Sutton brought the light back. She brought the beauty back.EPILOGUESuttonI guess that sometimes, the one odd time, things work out. People can actually make a relationship work. People can raise children together. They can be all in, and they can be a family. But it’s not easy. In fact, sometimes I think I’m going to lose my mind drowning in laundry and dirty diapers. Having one kid going through the terrible twos—and let me tell you, they can seriously be terrible—and a three-month-old baby who so far hasn’t figured out that sleep is actually an awesome thing can be really tough.
But you know what? Most days are great. I always thought the expression ‘I wouldn’t change anything’ was pretty stupid. Of course, I thought moms would change the fact that they never sleep and have to change poopy diapers and do endless laundry. Of course, I also thought they’d want more time for themselves, even if it just means five seconds to actually be able to pee in privacy. But I was wrong. I wouldn’t change any of it, because every single smile and giggle makes it all worth it.
“Carson, don’t you dare pee on the plant!” Okay, maybe there are a couple of things I’d change. My two-and-a-half-year-old son who is potty training (I know it’s early, but I’m trying to be proactive) just whipped down his training pants and is standing in front of a six-foot potted plant that is pretty much my pride and joy since Granny gave it to us as a wedding present.
“But it needs waterin’, mama,” Carson gurgles and grins at me innocently.
I sigh and shift Alaina in the baby sling thing I have wrapped around me. She’s nestled in there against my chest. This is pretty much the only time she ever sleeps. At least it lets me go hands-free during the day when I need to try and attempt to get something done.