My baby girl, so tiny.
“Does she have a name?” the nurse whispers.
My core tightens, and I look to Mallory as they do, but she keeps her eyes closed, shaking her head as if she knew the question was directed at her.
Again the nurse looks to Victoria who stares at Mallory a long moment, before moving her attention back to my baby in her arms.
Her smile is soft and a little sad as her knuckle comes up to rub along my daughter’s cheek. “She almost never made it to the world, was almost never given her sweet little life.”
A knowing smile finds the nurse’s lips, one that I don’t quite understand, and Victoria nods.
“Zoey,” she whispers. “Her name is Zoey.”
The video cuts off, and I stumble back, falling to my ass on the comforter, my hands burying into my hair.
Oh god. Oh fuck.
No, no, no.
I try to swallow, but my airway is coated with the painful knowledge of my mistakes, of all I felt deep fucking down that Victoria was, and weakly allowed another to taint.
Fuck, I—
“Look, ZoZo.”
My head snaps up as another video begins to play, but Victoria can’t be the one who turns it on.
Zoey sits in Victoria’s lap, drool falling from her lips as she chews on her little fingers.
Zoey giggles and Victoria smiles wide. “You know him, huh?” She taps her hands on the frame, my sophomore basketball photo locked inside of it. “That’s your daddy and look at this one.” She swaps out the image, and suddenly it’s one of Mallory.
Victoria holds it up for my daughter. Zoey smiles at this image, too, like she’s seen it before. “There’s your mom.”
Her mom.
Solid fucking proof, if I were to still need it, she never tried to replace Mallory, but in fact wanted Zoey to have all she felt she lost, or was losing.
Before anything else can be said on the camera, Victoria spins around, frowning at whoever is there, and the screen goes black.
I spin, scrambling for the remote when suddenly it’s lifted into my face.
I look up, meeting Royce’s sorrow-filled eyes as I grab it from him, ready to turn it off, to breathe a minute, when once again laughter fills the air.
I look to the screen and this time I can’t hide my emotion, can’t fight it off, as Victoria sits on her knees, and across from her, my baby girl takes her wobbly first step.
Steps I missed and hated myself for, a memory I would never get back but desperately wanted plays before me.
“Oh my god.” Victoria’s voice cracks. “Come on, Mama. Come see me.”
She holds her hands out, a light chuckle leaving her as she smiles wide at my little girl.
Zoey laughs, clapping her hands as she takes another, and then another before she falls into Victoria’s arms.
Victoria laughs, holding her to her chest and clapping her hands for her.
She stares at her, at the little girl she clearly loves with all she is, as if she didn’t save Zoey, but Zoey saved her, blessed her life and gave it meaning.
“You did it, ZoZo!” she says softly, but something shifts in her eyes, and she gently sets Zoey down, setting a little toy in her lap. “You did it... and your daddy missed it,” she whispers, pulling her lips in.
I bite into my cheek as she grows closer, and right before she reaches the camera to turn it off, guilt washes over her.
I quickly press pause, stopping anything else from coming onto the screen.
I want it all, all the memories, all I missed, but I can only take so much at once.
Defeated, fucking wrecked, I turn to my family.
“You didn’t know, bro,” Royce stresses.
“I need a minute.” I swallow, looking away from them.
Without hesitation, they walk out, closing my door behind them and I fold my hands behind my head, dropping my chin to my chest.
This is why.
This is fucking why.
The pull, the goddamn noose around my neck, tugging me toward her, cutting off my air until she was near or in sight, finally allowing me to breathe.
She didn’t even fucking know me, and she felt for me, hurt for me, fucking fought for me. She was the voice I wasn’t given, protected what I didn’t know needed protecting, and preserved what I’d thought I lost.
My daughter’s journey to birth, her first breath in this world, first step, and who knows what else is on that video, what else she can share with me.
Victoria gave my life meaning.
And I couldn’t even give her the benefit of the doubt.
Mallory pointed the gun, and I pulled the trigger, just like that.
Blindly.
And what did she do?
Maybell’s words slam into me so hard I fall to the wall, smacking at my chest for the air I can’t find, that my body denies.
This person will dive headfirst into dark waters, not caring to make it back to the surface, because to fix what’s broken in you is worth the risk of losing everything...