Somehow, I helped him bear the pain of what he did tonight. It’s the least I can do for all he’s done for me.
“Um, thank you?” I respond. “I was hardly an innocent bystander in all this.”
He laughs out loud and kisses the top of my head. “You never were an innocent bystander.”
I think about it for a few seconds before I nod. “Suppose not.”
We lapse into silence. I wonder if Yvonne was claimed tonight like I was. I wonder what Nicolai did for his brotherhood. I wonder where the third recruit is, if he is out looking for his escaped woman. I wonder if anyone will ever know who we are, and how we will ever escape to true freedom. I wonder if he’s put a baby in me that will forge our bond in the universal brotherhood.
So many questions. So few answers. We’ve come so far, but now we stand at the cliff’s edge. The silence around us feels heavy, like an anchor dropped at sea.
“Will you stay with me tonight?” I ask quietly, holding his hand to my heart.
I brace myself for whatever answer he gives.
“You couldn’t make me leave if you tried.”
I smile in the darkness and try to relax. “I’ll never make you,” I whisper. “Never.”Chapter 20Nicolai
I wake with Marissa on my chest, the memory of what I did pressing heavily in my mind. I heard the screams of the man I tortured while I slept fitfully. The brutality I inflicted haunted me even in slumber. I can’t erase it from my mind, what I did to earn Marissa.
I don’t regret it.
He owed a debt to the Bratva he couldn’t pay, and heard through connections we were obtaining women to bring as tributes. He wanted retribution for the punishment the Bratva inflicted, and knew it would be easier to ambush a few than the entire brigade.
But this we didn’t know until we brutally, savagely drew it from him.
I listen to the sound of birds tweeting outside our window as the sun rises and she sleeps on. I try to find solace in the calming sounds, and the feel of her in my arms, but this time it isn’t enough. I close my eyes and pinch the bridge of my nose, moving slowly so I don’t wake her.
Last night helped. When I unleash myself on her and she withstands it, it helps me bear what I carry. Somehow knowing that she loves me despite my flaws, that she doesn’t cave when I dominate her, that I can let myself go and master her and she doesn’t push me away, gives me fortitude and strength. She is the calm to my storm, the still water to my rapids.
Someone recognized me yesterday at the induction. I know they did. Today I will find who he is. I will not cower in fear and wait for a confrontation but find him out and silence him.
Every time I take a life, it becomes easier. I fucking hate that it does.
Anyone who recognizes me here worked for Myron, and lied to him about my death. My being alive puts him at risk, so logically he won’t out me. But he might kill me, and that’s only if he knows who I am. If he sees me with Marissa, the chances are far greater. There’s nowhere to hide her, not with the cameras they have. Hiding her may not be the best strategy.
It might be better to make a public display of her, watch the reactions of the others, and end whatever threat he is to us.
I still, my breathing slowing. I think of murdering another as easily as I would place an order for lunch. It disturbs me how easily I would kill someone to save her.
But I will. I fucking will if I have to.
“You awake?” she asks. Her eyes are still closed, but her arms around me tighten.
“Yeah,” I whisper, dragging my fingers through her thick, glossy hair. Every stroke of my hand up and down her beautiful waves soothes the beast in me.
“You slept terribly,” she says. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” I lie. I’ve never been more conflicted in my life. But before I can say another thing, a knock sounds at the door.
“Who is it?” I ask.
“Yakov.”
I get out of bed and pull on a pair of boxers, and point to the sheets to be sure Marissa covers up. I walk over to the door and unlock it. He looks as if he hasn’t slept all night, his eyes bloodshot and clothes wrinkled.
“Come in here,” I say, dragging him in by the arm. “What the fuck happened to you?” I shut the door behind him.
“Been up all night,” he says, scrubbing a hand across his brow. “Bothered me that Erik wasn’t here. I wondered where he was. So I went looking for him.”