“Duly noted,” my mom replies as she takes the glass from him. She starts to close the door on Malik, ordering him, “Keep an eye on my granddaughter while I bond with my daughter, okay?”
“Got it,” he replies, and the door shuts.
My mom and I both start laughing.CHAPTER 23MalikCorinne stares, tapping her pen against her notepad.
I return it, drumming my fingers on my thigh.
I’m determined this is going to be our last meeting, and I’ve just told her so. Didn’t waste any time when I entered her office for our eight o’clock Monday morning meeting, either.
“Okay,” she drawls, sweeping her hand toward me, palm up. “Why don’t you present a case to me about why I should release you today. And don’t bullshit me, Malik. I can recognize it a mile away.”
She sure as shit didn’t need to tell me that. I learned early on in our counseling relationship Corinne wasn’t going to be fooled with trumped-up proclamations I’ve seen the light and been cured of my demons.
Settling into my chair, I take a deep breath and let it out. What do I say to this woman to convince her that I’m ready to return to full duty? I close my eyes, tilt my head back so it rests against the wall behind my chair, and ponder for a moment more.
I really have come a long way over the last several weeks. Many people have given me their viewpoints, particularly on the logistics of how everything went down. Clearly, I’m the only member of the group that went to Syria who questioned my own culpability in Jimmy and Sal’s deaths. I’ve read the reports, which do nothing but praise my efforts. I’ve had Jimmy’s wife tell me herself that she doesn’t place a single ounce of blame on me.
More importantly, Corinne and I have spent a lot of time talking about my feelings for Anna and how we have let things progress, despite my still-as-of-yet unconquered concerns over the bro-code violations.
And yet, when I open my eyes and let them land on Corinne, all I can say with any certainty is, “I’m not sure I’ll ever be one-hundred percent convinced there wasn’t something more I could have done to save Jimmy and Sal.”
While it feels like an admission of defeat to say that, something about my statement causes Corinne to straighten in her chair before leaning forward slightly, as if eager to hear more. “Go on,” she encourages.
“Guilt is something I have to battle on my own,” I say, the words coming out methodically as my gut sort of takes over. “And no matter how many people tell me that my perception of things is skewed, it’s something I have to continue to ponder and figure out on my own. I think what I have accepted is it might never go away.”
“And you want to be released?” she queries with a raised eyebrow, but I can tell she thinks I have more to offer in the way of explanation.
“What I think,” I continue, feeling more confident in my analysis, “is I’ve moved on. I have accepted that bad things happen to good people, and, in this situation, my training took over and my actions were appropriate for the scenario. More importantly, I’m moving on with a woman who has accepted me—warts and all—and she’s the one who has more to lose than anyone involved. I think the mere fact I was drawn to Anna, and she to me, and we are making a go of it, is all the proof you need I have truly let go of my demons and I’m ready for whatever life throws at me next.”
Corinne settles back into her chair, watching me with a shrewd expression. Then her eyes fall to her notepad, where she jots a few things down.
When her attention comes to me, she says, “I’m going to recommend to Kynan you immediately be returned to full-duty status. I still want to see you, though. Once a month for a check-in to see how you’re doing.”
Her eyes come to me, steely and filled with challenge. She expects me to fight her, but I won’t. I’ve come to enjoy talking to Corinne. She’s given me some good advice, especially where Anna’s concerned.
I merely incline my head. “Thank you.”
My hands go to the armrests of my chair to push out of it, but Corinne’s voice stops me. “One more thing, Malik.”
I freeze, raising an eyebrow curiously.
“The bro code is stupid. It doesn’t exist. It’s not fair or nice to keep Anna hidden away like a dirty secret because you’re afraid some of the guys might not like it. Out yourself as a couple.”
“Is that a direct order that will affect my duty status?” I ask hesitantly. Not that I’m opposed to it, but frankly, I haven’t given it a lot of thought lately. Had a lot of other things to work through.