That seemed to startle her. “Why?”
This was a conversation filled with land mines. “You’re very focused on your career.”
“The funny thing is if I was a man, you wouldn’t even consider that being a barrier to me wanting a family. The other funny thing is a couple of years ago I would have said you were right. I would have said the last thing in the world I wanted was to be a mom. I didn’t have one. I mean I did, and she’s all right now, but when we were growing up . . . Kids need stability. I did not have that.”
“Because your mom was an addict?”
“Oh, yes. She was addicted to a lot of things. Mostly I think she was addicted to not dealing with things. She always wanted to be out of her head. It started with liquor and men.”
“When did she start going to jail?”
“The first time I was six,” Lila explained. “My aunt came and stayed with us while my mother was incarcerated, but she wasn’t terribly interested in four kids under the age of ten. She was there but she wasn’t. She spent most of the time teaching us how to take care of ourselves. It felt harsh, but I was grateful for the lessons later.”
He didn’t like to think about her childhood. “She should have taken care of you.”
Lila shrugged. “We weren’t hers. She never wanted kids and she wasn’t going to spend her life cleaning up her sister’s mess. We found that if we didn’t ask much of her, she was willing to help us with CPS. That was our whole life, trying to convince CPS not to split us up. No one wants to foster four kids together. We learned how to take care of each other, how to push each other to excel because it was the only way we were ever getting out of that trailer park.”
“You grew up fast.”
“I didn’t have much of a childhood, but I’ve been thinking a lot lately about how I might be able to offer a kid a good one. Childhood, that is. For a long time I thought I shouldn’t have kids because my own childhood was rough, but I know what not to do. That’s something.”
What would it be like to start over? Did he have any right to when he had Noelle to take care of?
“Hey,” she said, reaching out and touching his hair, a soft look on her face. “I’m just talking, Armie. I’m not demanding sperm. I promise I’m really on the pill.”
“I wasn’t thinking you lied to me.” He trusted her.
“But you are wondering how we could work long-term if I want kids and you don’t,” she pointed out.
“I haven’t thought about it. Honestly, I haven’t thought much about the future at all since the accident,” he admitted. “I’ve gotten through the days. I’ve sat up nights praying my daughter will be okay. She was depressed after the accident.”
“Of course she was.”
He hated even thinking about those first few months. “I would go into her room at night to make sure she was still alive. Like when she was a baby and I had to get up in the middle of the night to assure myself she was still breathing.”
“You’ve done an amazing job with her. Don’t think that my wanting to try something new with her therapy says anything about what a great dad you are.” She moved to him, cuddling up. “We don’t have to talk about this now. I don’t know why it’s on my mind. We should just have fun.”
“This isn’t fun, Lila.” He was serious about her, and that meant getting real. “I’m not playing around. I’m not having some fling. Can I think about this for a while? I don’t know what I want when it comes to more kids, but I know I want you in my life. I want this.”
He kissed her and felt her relax against him.
The buzzing of his cell phone interrupted the moment. He wanted to ignore it, but he had to pick it up because Noelle might need him.
There was a smile on Lila’s face. “Go on, Sheriff. I’m not ever going to give you hell for needing to answer your phone. I’m on call most of the time, too.”
There were distinct advantages to dating a woman who was also a first responder. He kissed her forehead and rolled over, grabbing his phone.
And his skin went cold because it wasn’t Noelle, who might call him because her tablet froze and she didn’t remember how to fix it. It was Roxie, who would never disturb him unless it was serious.
“What’s happening?”
“You need to come home, boss,” Roxie said. “There’s been an incident. A house burned down. The fire department is trying to save what they can right now, but I don’t like their chances.”