“How do you know that?” I question. “I nearly killed a man and not out of self-defense, out of revenge. What does that make me?”
“It makes you human, Jade. It makes you flawed just like the rest of us, but the fact that you were able to stop and pull yourself away, baby, that makes you so fucking strong.”
I shake my head, not even close to agreeing with him. “I'm a monster. I did horrible things just to make myself feel better. I wanted revenge. I wanted to make him hurt like he did to me, but it doesn't change anything. The memories are still there, the feel of his hands on my body is still there, the sound of my dress tearing, the fogginess. It doesn't change anything.”
“Time,” he tells me. “Nothing is going to take it away but time, but until that happens, you can't stop living your life. You can't allow what he did to keep you from moving forward. What he did does not define you, only you can do that, Jade.”
“I already know what I am, Colton. What I did ... that's the kind of thing that deserves to have me locked up for the rest of time. I'm just glad you came when you did. If I had …” I glance away, unable to meet his eyes, letting that thought trail off. “You would have been right, I would have lost myself. I don't think I would have been able to come back from that.”
Colton peels the wet hair off my face and forces my eyes back to his. “Don't be afraid of yourself. He hurt you and you did what you had to do to make it easier to get through it. That doesn't make you a monster. You're fucking perfect.”
“I'm capable of awful things, Colton. I'm not someone you should be with. I wouldn't blame you if you wanted me to get out of here.”
“That's never going to happen. I told you, I'm in this. You're my girl, Jade, and I'm not about to leave you, especially when you're going through this. You are not a monster. You're Oceania Munroe and you're a fucking warrior. You got that?"
My eyes drop and I lean back into him, resting my cheek against his wide chest. “I hate that you saw that.”
“I hate that you had to go through any of that at all.”
We both fall silent and I listen to his soft breathing as he holds me. “Were you ever going to tell me?” I question, my voice shaky and terrified as I anticipate his answer.
Colton lets out a heavy breath. “I thought about telling you every single day, but the longer it went on, the harder it was. I kept tossing up my options. If I told you, I didn't want you scared that he was so close and I didn't want you to feel as though you had to take matters into your own hands like you did today. I wanted to protect you from that. But not telling you, I ran that risk that you were going to be pissed at me, but also terrified that he could come back for you. It was a lose/lose situation, Jade, so I went with the one that kept you protected. I can live with you hating me for keeping it from you, but I can't live with you hating yourself for something I could have prevented.”
I consider every last word before looking up and meeting his eyes. “I wanted to be so mad at you for keeping that from me. I wanted to put you in the same box as Nic and the boys, but it's not the same.”
Colton shakes his head. “No, it's not. Yes, I lied to you. I kept the truth from you and that makes me sick. I hate that I've had to keep something so big from you, but I needed to protect you. The Widows ... they lied to protect themselves.”
I nod, knowing all too well that he's right. The boys lied to me to protect their stupid gang. They didn't want any of the bullshit coming down on their shoulders. Kian didn't want the truth coming out about my connection to the Wolves, while Nic just wanted to keep me around for his own selfish needs. How am I ever supposed to trust them again? They didn't just lie about what happened, but they lied to me about who I am, and that's not something I can live with. They should have been upfront with me from the start and allowed me the option to make my own damn decisions.
Not wanting to linger on the boys, I stare at the wall over Colton's shoulder. “The clothes Jude was wearing ... they were the same ones he was wearing at the masquerade ball. You've had him down there for three weeks and that fact alone should scare the hell out of me, but after what I just did ... I can't find it in me to pull away from you.”