He chuckled softly. “You’re doing great.”
I gripped his hand tightly. It felt so odd for me to tell myself to feel the hate, but I had to. “What if I can’t stop hating her?”
“You’re asking yourself the wrong question. The question is, can you afford to not let yourself hate her? Not allowing yourself to all these years hasn’t done you any good. Be true to yourself, Ariana, own what you’re feeling now. When you can be true to your feelings it will allow you to know the truth of others’ feelings for you.”
I turned toward him. “Wow. That’s profound.”
He swiped my bangs. “No, that’s truth.”
“My mom told me when I was ten years old that no one but her would ever love me or want me.”
Jonah clenched his fist and composed himself before he spoke. “That was a lie.”
“I didn’t believe her in that moment because I wanted so much to believe that my dad loved me and wanted me. He just couldn’t be with me. As I got older, I had no choice but to believe her. My dad never loved me. Kaden didn’t love me.”
“I loved you, Ariana. I still love you.” Emotion bled through his words.
I wasn’t ready to hear those words, even though I knew that’s how he felt. And how I felt. “You left me too.” My hand flew to my mouth. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to say that. You were right to leave.” I had rejected him and practically begged for him to go. That one was on me.
“Dammit. Don’t say that. It wasn’t right. I should have told you about the residency here.”
“You didn’t owe me that. I wouldn’t even acknowledge that we were in a relationship. I’m surprised you stuck around for as long as you did.”
He shook his head in frustration. “Will you listen to yourself? Stop thinking you don’t deserve the best someone has to offer. That you deserve to be walked all over.”
“You didn’t walk all over me. If anything, it was me who walked all over you.”
He gently grabbed my arms. “Ariana, I never saw our relationship that way.”
“How did you see it?”
He pulled me closer, making our foreheads meet. “Every day I would wake up and my first thought was always about you and how I could arrange my schedule to see you. I didn’t care if it meant losing sleep, because you energized my soul. I didn’t mind the sneaking around, because it meant I had you all to myself. And I thought if I loved you enough, you’d come to trust me. But then I gave you every reason not to by leaving.” He pecked my lips. “I am sorry. If I could go back and change that moment in time, I would.”
“Please don’t apolo—”
“Shh.” He rested his finger against my lips. “It’s okay for me to be wrong. And it’s okay if you’re hurt by my actions, and your mother’s, and father’s, or anyone else’s for that matter. Don’t fear your feelings.”
I kissed his finger before removing it and holding his hand. “I don’t want to be afraid anymore.”
“Then let it all out.”
I took in a deep, cleansing breath and let it out. “I hate my mom. I hate that she never put me first and she put me in harm’s way. I hate that she hated you. I hate all the lies she told. And I hate that I hate her,” I cried.
He took me in his arms and let me sob until there were no more tears left to cry. I soaked his shirt and probably left some ugly makeup stains on it. He stroked my hair while I shuddered against him time after time after time. After a good half hour, I sat up and wiped my eyes. “Huh. I do feel better.”
Jonah gave me such a tender look. “I’m glad.”
“Are you sure you want to keep being my safe person? I have a feeling it’s going to get uglier before it gets better.”
He cupped my face. “Ariana, I’m not going anywhere ever again unless you come with me, so bring it on.”
I hoped he remembered that he asked for it.Chapter Nineteen“I helped make all the clothespin doll ornaments,” Whitney made sure to tell each person decorating the tree. Which ended up being more than I thought. When I’d asked Dani and Kinsley if they would mind if we moved our decorating party to Jonah’s, they thought it was a great idea. They didn’t even mind me using the ornaments I had planned for our tree for Jonah’s and Whitney’s tree. After all, Whitney was the inspiration. And, like she was telling everyone, she had helped me make several of the ornaments. Well, mostly.
“I did not use the hot glue gun. No way. Ariana glued on all the heads. But do you see how pretty I painted her hair?” She held up a likeness of Jo March for Brock to see.