He undressed and then slid into bed next to her. He edged closer to her until her back was pressed to his chest and he curled an arm around her body, pulling her even tighter to his body.
She went rigid, tension boiling off her body.
“We need to talk, baby.”
She shook her head. “No. Not tonight. I have nothing to say. I’m too upset and we’ll end up saying things we regret. Isn’t that what you’ve basically said happens with you? That you say shit you don’t mean? For once, I want you to say something you do mean. I’m tired of guessing. I’m tired of having to tiptoe around, never knowing how you’re going to take things or how you’ll react or what fucked-up way you’ll interpret something that is absolutely meaningless.”
He sighed and kissed her shoulder, leaving his lips pressed against her skin.
“You haven’t even eaten anything. It’s early yet.”
“I’m not hungry,” she said in a low voice. “Please, Jace, just leave me alone. I’m not going anywhere. I’m not running. Go eat or do whatever it is you want to do and let me work this out on my own.”
He rolled away from her onto his back and stared up at the ceiling.
“Not crazy about you lying here hurting because of me, baby.”
She didn’t respond, but he saw the slight wobble of her shoulders and he cursed silently. She was fucking crying. And she wanted to be left alone. Didn’t want to be comforted. Didn’t want his arms around her. Didn’t want him holding her.
He squeezed his eyes shut. Yeah, he’d fucked up royally. Even worse than the last time. When would he stop doing this shit?
How could he even go into work tomorrow when he’d be paralyzed with the fear of her leaving the minute he was out of sight?
He couldn’t live like this. And he knew she couldn’t either. He was destroying her with his mistrust. And the hell of it was, he did trust her.
Maybe this was a product of their relationship only being a few weeks old. These were issues all couples had to work out, weren’t they? He’d moved fast. He knew that. Most normal people drew out the dating and get-to-know-you stage a little longer than he had. But then, he’d always gone after what he wanted with single-minded determination. Bethany had been no different in that regard.
Knowing he’d never go to sleep this early, he eased out of bed. Her back was still to him but he also knew she was still awake. Her body was too rigidly set for her to have fallen into sleep.
“I’m going into the kitchen to get something to eat,” he said softly. “I’d love it if you joined me. Or I can bring you something to eat in bed.”
She sniffed ever so lightly and his heart clenched all over again. Fuck it all. She was still crying.
He turned and strode out of the bedroom, fear and remorse vying for equal airtime. He’d said he trusted her. Part of that was giving her space to work things out her own way. As long as she did it here in his apartment, in his space, in his bed, he could deal. He’d said he trusted her. It was time to show her he meant that.
He made a sandwich, more to have something to do than because he was hungry. He remembered when Gabe had fucked up so badly with Mia, she’d told him that if he ever had a hope of getting her back that he’d have to crawl. And Gabe had crawled. He’d humbled himself in front of half of New York City in order to get Mia back.
Jace hadn’t really gotten it at the time. He’d thought Gabe was being a bit too dramatic, but now he realized the desperation Gabe must have been feeling. Jace would crawl. He’d do whatever it took to get Bethany to stay.
After hours of churning over every word he wanted to say, he went back into the bedroom only to find the lights out. She’d gotten up long enough to darken the room. When he climbed into bed, he could hear her soft breathing, but what pained him more was the fact that even in sleep, she softly hiccupped, a sign that she’d cried for quite some time.
He turned into her, inhaling her sweet scent. He buried his face in her hair and curled his arm around her middle, anchoring her against his body.
Sleep was a long time coming, and when it finally did, it was filled with haunting dreams of a world without Bethany.
Chapter thirty-eight
Bethany came awake to soft lips brushing over her shoulder. She winced when her eyes opened and pain instantly stabbed through her head. Her eyes were puffy and swollen. Her throat was scratchy and achy from the tears she’d shed the night before.
“Baby, wake up for me, please.”
Jace’s soft voice drifted over her ears and she closed her eyes again as a flood of pain rocketed through her all over again.
“Bethany, I need you to look at me.”
Grudgingly she turned halfway to her back so she could meet Jace’s gaze. He winced when he saw her face. She must really look bad based on his reaction.
He stroked his fingers over her face and then he leaned in to kiss her.
“Baby, I know what I did was wrong. It wasn’t fair to you or to Ash. I’ve made things right with Ash but I have to make them right with you.”
He went silent a moment as if allowing her to digest his words. Then he continued on.
“I have to go into the office this morning. Unless you want me to stay and talk now. Nothing is more important than you. But if you need more time, I’m going to go into the office, make a few calls, get caught up with Gabe and Ash, and then I’m coming home so we can work this out.”
She nodded, her throat too raw to speak.
“I want you to rest, take it easy today,” he said gently. “When I get home, we’ll talk. Then we’ll go get something to eat. Spend the evening together, just you and I.”
“Okay,” she said hoarsely.
She rolled back to her side as he moved away from the bed. And she closed her eyes again, drifting back into the dark void.
Her thoughts were chaotic. She’d thought about the situation all night. Only in the hour before dawn had she been able to drift off fully.
The problem was that there was nothing she could do to fix the issue between her and Jace. He either trusted her or he didn’t. There was no magic solution. Nothing she could do to change it. It was on him and if he didn’t trust her, nothing she did or said would ever change that fact.
She had no doubt that he was truly regretful for the way things had gone down the prior evening. But that didn’t mean he trusted her, and it didn’t mean that it wouldn’t happen again.
She listened as he quietly readied himself for work. When it was time for him to go, he came back over to the bed and leaned down to kiss her forehead. He lingered there a moment longer, as if he was reluctant to leave.
A part of her didn’t want him to go. Wanted him to stay and hold her so she could pretend this issue didn’t exist between them. The other part wanted him to leave so she could have time to herself to sort through her mixed feelings.
Finally he drew away after smoothing the hair from her face and forehead. Then his footsteps sounded and retreated from the bedroom until she could no longer hear him.
Her eyes burned with more tears and she closed them tighter, determined not to give way to them again. She’d spent the entire night alternating between anger and deep sadness. She still wasn’t sure which was the clear winner. Her emotions were a mess lately. Between Jack and Jace she was on a roller coaster from hell.
She dozed fitfully, checking the clock each time she awoke. She finally realized she was willing time to pass knowing that Jace would be home much earlier than usual.
Even after all of that, she was eager to see him.
She sighed, knowing full well that she’d forgive him and they’d move on. The question was whether Jace would truly make the effort to control his temper and hold his tongue in the future. Some might say she needed to develop a tougher skin, but to hell with that. No one deserved to be flayed alive because someone else was in a crappy mood. Shit happened to everyone. It was no excuse to take it out on others.
Anger felt much better than the pathetic weariness she’d displayed the evening before. She could deal with anger. It made her feel stronger, less vulnerable. Despair and damn tears were for the birds.
But there was also the fact that trust took time. Was she really being fair to Jace? He’d only known her such a short time and trust was earned. What had she really done to earn it yet?
Calm settled over her. They could work this out. Trust wasn’t automatic. Sometimes it took months, even years to fully achieve. Nothing about her life or her past was exactly conducive to gaining instant faith. And Jace was trying. She knew that without a doubt.
Her cell phone rang and she automatically reached for it. She glanced at the LCD screen, holding her breath as she realized she hoped it was Jace. She frowned when she saw Kaden’s name as the identifying contact.
“Hello?”
“Miss Willis, this is Kaden. I tried to call Mr. Crestwell but he’s currently unavailable. So I wanted to let you know that Mr. Kingston is back at the apartment.”
She sat up fully in bed. “Jack’s there?”
“Yes, ma’am. He returned a half hour ago.”
She threw off the covers and swung her legs over the side. “Where are you right now? Are you still there?”
“Yes, ma’am.”
“I’m coming over. Stay there, please. Jace wouldn’t like if I was there alone. Just don’t let Jack leave before I arrive, okay?”
Kaden hesitated a brief moment. “Okay. I’ll be here and I’ll go up with you. Those are the conditions.”
“Of course,” she said hastily. “I’ll leave right away.”
She disconnected the call and hurried out of bed to dress. She looked like crap but she wasn’t going to take the time to shower and make herself look any better. Jack might not be there that long. Who knew what he was thinking?
A few minutes later, she went down to the lobby and asked the doorman to get her a cab. Twenty minutes later, she arrived at the apartment building. Kaden was waiting for her just outside the main entrance.
“He’s still here?” she asked breathlessly as she ran up to the door.
“Yes. I’ll go up with you now. I left a message with Mr. Crestwell’s receptionist, but I was told he’s in closed-door meetings for the next while.”
“Yes,” Bethany murmured as they got into the elevator. “He’s really busy this morning.”
She used her key to get inside the apartment and Kaden came in with her, sticking close to her side.
“Jack,” she whispered when she saw him standing by the bar in the kitchen.
Jack’s head came up and his eyes sparked with surprise when he saw her.
She flew around the bar and hugged him fiercely.
“Jack, I’ve been so worried. Where have you been? Why haven’t you called? Why did you let me think the worst?”
Jack pulled her away and grinned crookedly at her. He looked awful. Paler and thinner, more gaunt. And he had shadows under his eyes that told her he hadn’t slept in forever.
“Had shit to do, babe. Told you that.”
Anger whipped up her spine. “That’s bullshit! You had a nice place to stay. Jace did this for you. All of it. And you didn’t even stop to think that I was worried sick about you.”
Jack’s eyes grew hooded. “He didn’t do it for me, babe. He did it for you and we both know it.”
“Does it matter who he did it for?” she all but shouted.
“Yeah, it does.”
She turned in agitation and glanced over to where Kaden stood, his expression indecipherable. “Can you give us some privacy?”
Kaden didn’t look thrilled at that prospect.
“He’s not going to hurt me,” she said in exasperation. “You can stand just outside. No way for either of us to go anywhere as long as you’re guarding the door.”
Kaden’s shoulders heaved and then he reluctantly went to the door, walked out and then closed it behind him. Then she turned back to Jack.
“What the hell is going on with you, Jack? What about the drugs? What are you into?”
A bleak expression entered Jack’s eyes. “Let me make you a cup of hot chocolate. Already made me one. We can talk then. You’re cold and hate to say this, babe, but you look like shit. Crestwell not taking care of you like he promised?”
The accusation in Jack’s voice just pissed her off even more. He busied himself making another cup of cocoa and set it next to his to stir in the mix while she stood there and continued to stew.
“Jace is taking care of me just fine. This isn’t about me. This is about you. You have the chance to do something better with your life. Why are you so determined not to take it? He’s willing to let you stay here as long as you need to. You could get a real job. Get out of the life you’re in now.”
Jack finished stirring and then turned back to the sink to drop in the spoon and put away the milk. She grabbed one of the mugs from the counter and walked into the living room to sit on the couch. She was angry and she needed to get it under control. But it ate at her. This wasn’t the Jack she knew. He seemed like he didn’t give a shit about himself one way or another. It infuriated her that he had a chance to be better now and he was just pissing it away.