But I know it won’t.
Nothing can take away the bad things I’ve done.
As I’m taken home, my lungs struggle to take in air. We weave closer, and I inhale a deep breath, trying to calm my erratic heartbeat. The moment the car pulls to a stop and the familiar three-story home comes into view, I smile. Even in the dimly lit night, I can see the foreboding building waiting for me. There are secrets within the walls of the house that will never be released.
Three floors of rooms filled with opulence.
My new life.
Vastly different from where I’m coming from.
And I know nothing can stop the deviance that simmers through my veins.2ElianPresent DayIt only takes a moment for your life to change.
A split second for everything to be turned on its head.
I had to learn how to shut off the misguided notions of normalcy when I chose a new life over the one I grew up in. Grief is a shadow that follows me, and to this day, it still lingers. I don’t have space for anything else—not happiness, not love. Emotions, feelings, whatever you want to call them have no home for an enigma like me.
I tried it once and internally grimace at the memory.
In college, I thought I could be normal, and the girl who did manage to find a man underneath the cold, hard exterior did the one thing I can never forgive—she broke her loyalty to me. But if I’m truthful, it wasn’t all her fault. I’m not the easiest person to be with. But I did and do expect loyalty above all.
My mind is not my own most times, and when the darkness consumes me, I must allow it to seek its pleasure in ways that would make most women balk. I don’t frequent clubs where my needs can be met, so I focus on my career.
I’ve learned women aren’t who they say they are with their fake pristine smiles and shiny veneers. It’s nothing but a front, an act, a part they play so well. Moving to Black Mountain, I found them in spades. The bored housewives who fucked the pool boy for breakfast and the gardener for lunch.
Loyalty is everything. And if I can’t find that in your pretty gaze when you bat those extra-long lashes at me, it isn’t happening. If you can’t control yourself once, what’s to say it won’t happen again? And that’s the reason I’m alone in Black Mountain.
Once I finished my degrees in History and English, I found myself wanting to teach. I never thought I would feel comfortable standing in front of students who looked up to me because I’m far from perfect.
I break everything I touch.
My past is littered with the scraps of pain and heartache I can no longer piece together. Human need allows us to make choices based on our desires, and in doing so, we’re torn apart, broken, and left for dead.
I have allowed myself to fall prey to those desires one too many times. It doesn’t take much for the guilt to gnaw at my insides, for it to feast on my pain, my agony. And as I step foot inside my classroom, I know that my choices brought me here.
After leaving Miami, I completed my studies at Stanford University, but even being away from my home, destruction followed. My father’s death was hard. It broke me because I never got to say goodbye to him. I never had the chance to tell him all the things he needed to hear from his eldest son.
Christmas Eve will always haunt me. I stepped into the house overlooking the ocean, and that’s when the call came. Ahren, my foster brother, had left for college, and even though he wasn’t blood, I knew it would gut him as much as it did me. All our lives, Ezra Donati was a father who raised us with an iron fist, but he also loved us unconditionally.
He was taken from us, killed, murdered in cold blood.
Shot by a colleague in broad daylight, left for dead while meeting with a man he trusted. And the guilt that will always weigh on me is that I never got to tell him that I’m sorry for not wanting to be a part of his organization. I never felt the need to become what he was.
As soon as the house in Miami was sold, I never looked back. I took myself to the middle of nowhere, a town where I could hide but also live. When I arrived in Black Mountain a couple of years ago, I knew I could never go back. But the town now allows me the opportunity to exact my revenge. It will allow me to find the man who killed my father.
Even though Ahren lives close by, I haven’t told him the real reason I’ve come here. Being on my own has its privileges. I’ve enjoyed it, more than I care to admit. I’m able to work, doing something I love, and I’m able to enjoy the solace the town has offered.