I go on to explain how I felt betrayed. Like Landon didn’t protect me somehow, or I made a mistake, but I couldn’t admit it. I was so humiliated, and everyone at BMA turned against me.
I tell her how I planned to come back here and get my revenge on all of them. Every dirty, ugly, awful thing I did spills free from my lips. When there’s nothing bad left to tell her, I admit that I made a mistake. Nothing happened the way I thought, and I ended up hurting Landon and so many others because I couldn’t see that.
“Kail.” My mom’s voice fractures as she tries to hold it together. “This is not okay. Someone could have drugged you.”
“I know,” I choke out. “I’ve thought of that. But I poured my own drink. The bottle and the juice were sealed. So it doesn’t make any sense.”
She’s quiet for a long moment, considering something before she voices it. “Have you actually talked to Landon about what he remembers from that night? Or Carson?”
“No.” I look down at my twisted hands. “I just couldn’t bring myself to do it. Carson said there was something he wanted to tell me, but I didn’t want to hear it.”
“I wish you’d told me,” she whispers. “I should have been there with you.”
“I was too embarrassed,” I admit.
“Honey, this is not your fault.” She squeezes me tighter.
I hug her back, and it feels like a brick wall just crumbled around my heart. I’m lighter now. Still fragile, but the anger I felt so strongly before is little more than a flicker. I think this is what they call a healing moment.
“Do you…” She clears her throat and steels her voice. “Do you hate Landon? I want you to be honest because if you don’t want him around—”
I shake my head forcefully. As mad and hurt as I am over the way things ended, I still feel protective of him. He needs this family in his life, and I refuse to take away the only real mother figure he has.
“It wasn’t his fault,” I say. “I understand that now. I think we’re both still a little bruised over that night. He can’t get over what I did. The way I blamed him—”
Mom wipes the tears from my cheeks, her eyes shining with so much pain I know she wishes she could fix it all for me. “My sweet daughter. How I wish I could have helped both of you. If I’d known…”
“I was just too ashamed to tell you,” I confess. “I was worried you would be disappointed in me.”
“Oh, Kail.” She crushes me in her grip. “I’m not disappointed in you. You were going through a difficult time, and you shouldn’t have had to deal with any of it on your own. Anger is a natural response to pain. The important part is how we handle things going forward. And I know we can get through this. Together.”
Her assurance floods my body with so much relief all I can do is cry. I cry until I can’t cry anymore. She holds me throughout, stroking my hair and loving me just the same, regardless of the monster I’ve become.
“We can hire someone to investigate,” she tells me as I pull back to wipe my face. “We can find out if this has ever happened to anyone else. We’ll leave no stone unturned. Just tell me it’s okay, and we’ll do it.”
Would Landon and Carson want that?
I’m not sure anymore, but at this point, I can’t see how it could hurt. I think I need to find out what really happened for my sanity. I want to put the whole thing behind me. I want to be Kail again.
“Are you hungry?” Mom asks gently. “I can make you something to eat if you like.”
A smile cracks across my face, and it feels strange to me. “How about some monster cookies?”
My mom smiles back, and at that moment, it feels like everything might just be okay.
“Fresh monster cookies coming right up.”“You look like you’re getting around better,” Courtney observes as I maneuver myself onto the seat on the patio. Now that my cast is off and I’m in a walking boot, I feel like I’m finally gaining back some of my independence.
“It still hurts a little.” I wiggle my toes. “By the end of the day, it’s swollen again, but the doctors said that’s normal. It could be up to a year before it stops swelling.”
She cringes. “I hope they catch the asshole who did this to you.”
“Me too.”
Court seems to sense the tension creeping back into my body, so she changes the subject.
“Are you back in the pool house now?”
“Not yet,” I groan. “My mom and Theo are being extra vigilant until they know it’s safe, so for now, I’m stuck in the main house.”