It was the same dream I had every time I allowed myself to fall into a deep sleep. A moment of weakness my demons fed on. Regaining my composure, I abruptly stood before she could say anything else. I went out onto the back porch, letting the door shut behind me. Needing some fresh air. A goddamn minute to myself.
Something.
Anything.
Other than what I was fucking feeling.
I lit up a cigarette, taking in a deep drag. Letting the smoke linger in my mouth, trying to clear out the haze in my mind. The backdoor opened and then closed. I didn’t have to turn around to know who it was. After I drove a drunk-ass Mason home last night, I called Autumn to come pick me up from his house. We were hanging out at the clubhouse with some brothers, shooting the shit, throwing back beers like they were fucking water. We were both pretty fucked up, but out of the two of us, I was the more sober one. I wasn’t going to let him get behind the wheel in his state, so I drove his truck home for him.
Never thinking that Mia would come running out in the middle of the night to hand me another patch. Telling me her birthday wish to see me again came true. I hadn’t seen her since the first time I met her on the beach, months ago. She was a sweet, innocent, little girl. I should have left it alone, but the last thing she needed was to be thinking about me, let alone making fucking wishes to see me again. I was nine years older than her.
By the time we got back to my place, it was close to two in the morning. There was no way in hell I was going to let Autumn drive back home, alone. She just ended up crashing in my bed with me. It was never a big deal. We’d been sharing a bed since we were kids. The only difference was that now we weren’t fucking kids anymore, and she had the tits and ass to make my cock hard. Most likely giving her a morning wood surprise, but I didn’t give a fuck.
I never thought of her as more than my best friend, even though our mothers wanted nothing more than for us to end up together. Sure, she was fucking beautiful, but her friendship meant more to me than her pussy. She deserved more than just being a piece of ass. And right now, that was the furthest thing from my mind.
“Those things are going to kill you,” Autumn stated from behind me. The worry in her voice seared a hole in my heart.
“Well, lucky for me I’m already dying inside.”
She knew all the shit I went through in my life. I confided in her often without worrying about being judged for my imperfections. For my fucking sins. No matter what I told her, I never feared she would walk away, or turn her back on me. There were times when I didn’t have to say one fucking word, just listening to her breathe on the other end of the phone brought a sense of calm over me. Autumn was the only person that knew the truth about that night, about what I had done. I needed to tell someone the truth, needing to be honest about the whole thing.
My parents lied to everyone, saying Luke had accidentally shot himself. No one asked questions because what could you possibly say to that? Pops paid off the coroner, obtaining all the legitimate documents they needed, making it look like it was all an unfortunate accident. Telling everyone we had a private funeral for him with immediate family only, deciding to cremate him so they could always carry his ashes with them. He even went as far as posting an obituary in the local paper, keeping up the false pretenses of portraying the grieving loving father to the son I killed.
“Y-y-you alright?” she nervously stuttered when I remained silent. Taking a deep, reassuring breath, she walked over, leaning her back up against the railing of the patio, to face me. “How often does that happen? You know, the nightmares?”
I glanced over at her. “Who said they fuckin’ stop?”
Her eyes widened. She reached out to place a hand on my shoulder. “Oh… Creed, I’m so—”
“Don’t need your fuckin’ pity, Autumn.”
“You think I pity you? I care about you. I hate that you blame yourself for Luke’s death. When are you going to realize it was an accident? You didn’t mean—”
“Enough!” I pushed past her, taking another drag of my cigarette. Heading over to the seating area around the fire pit.
“Will you at least tell me what it was about? Your nightmare?” She walked up behind me. “It might help to talk about it. You can’t keep that shit bottled up, Creed. I’m here for you. I have been for years, so stop trying to shut me out. Let me help you.”
“Ain’t gonna bring him back,” I stated, letting the smoke seep out of my mouth as I spoke. I sat on one of the chairs, resting my elbows on my knees, holding my suddenly pounding head between my hands.
She sat next to me, grabbing my arm away from my face. “Tell me anyway.”
I shook my head, scoffing out, “It’s always the same goddamn dream. Hearin’ Luke’s voice in the woods. Beggin’, pleadin’ with me to come find him. Sayin’ he’s scared. Tellin’ me if I ever loved him, I’d be able to find him.”
She jerked back, surprised with my revelation.
“Can’t find him, though. Never can. It’s like I’m runnin’ in circles, like one of them fuckin’ hamsters on a spinnin’ wheel. Then, out of nowhere, I’m at the train tracks over on McMullen. Except the train is spinnin’ in circles around me. I see flashes of Luke through the cars. Again, pleadin’ for me to come find him even though he’s standin’ right in front of me. It’s not him. He’s covered in blood. Holdin’ the bullet wound over his heart.”
“Jesus, Creed…”
I didn’t hesitate. If she wanted to know exactly what I was going through, then I was going to tell her everything. “Always ends with me fallin’ onto my knees in pain. My hands covered in blood, holdin’ onto to the Glock. Just can’t take anymore,” I confessed for the first time, pausing to let my words sink in.
Her eyes filled with tears, knowing where my truths would lead.
“Luke’s beggin’, the sounds of the train, my conscience… I take the gun and aim it under my chin…” I peered deep into her eyes, stating, “Don’t fuckin’ hesitate to pull the trigger.”
Tears fell down her pretty little face onto the pavers.
“Don’t waste your tears on me, Autumn,” I rasped, wiping one away. “Don’t deserve them.”
“It’s obvious what you think you deserve, Creed.” She wiped her cheeks with the back of her hand.
“Said you wanted to know. There ya go. Welcome to my fuckin’ world.”
“It was an accident. You love your brother more than anything in this world. I have seen it firsthand, Creed. I still see it every damn day. The way you still take care of Noah, even more so now than before. While your father doesn’t have a care in the world besides that club, and your mother drowns herself in vodka, what do you do? Huh?”
I shook my head, not wanting to hear any more of this.
“You practically kill yourself every day, doing God knows what for that club. A club you don’t even like or want to be a part of. Listening to every order your father barks at you. Doing everything he demands without so much of a blink of an eye. Who you doing that for? Sure as hell isn’t for you. What happened was a terrible accident. I can’t imagine what you’re going through even after all these months. But you can’t keep blaming yourself because you don’t deserve that. Do you understand me? You don’t fucking deserve it.”
“Drive me over to get my bike, yeah? I’ll buy you breakfast for not bitchin’ about my cold ass room.” I changed the subject.
She sighed, nodding even though she wanted to say so much more. I was tired of hearing her run her mouth. Nothing she could say would make it right, all it did was remind me how shitty my life really was. She definitely couldn’t bring Luke back. I loved Autumn, I knew she meant well, but sometimes she didn’t know when to just shut the fuck up.
I spent the next couple of days making runs for the club, driving for hours and getting home later than usual. I hadn’t seen or talked to Autumn since that morning at breakfast, but it wasn’t from the lack of trying. I’m sure she thought I was purposely avoiding her since I hadn’
t reached out. I was just too goddamn busy.
I walked into my house just after midnight, ready to crash for the night. I was fucking exhausted from dealing with bullshit all day, and all I wanted to do was fall on my bed and pass the fuck out. I hadn’t been sleeping well, and even when I did, I woke up from the same recurring nightmare. My house was dark and quiet when I walked in. Laying my keys on the table, I walked into the dining room, shocked when I didn’t find my mother passed out at the table. The empty bottles that usually littered the room were gone. As I made my way to my room, I noticed the light shining under my door, and out into the dark hallway.
I would be lying if I said I wasn’t surprised when I opened my door to find Autumn sitting on my bed, waiting for me.
“Hey, I put your mom to bed. I made Noah some dinner and played video games with him all night. I came in here when I heard your bike pull up,” she divulged as I closed the door behind me. “I don’t want to fight anymore,” she added, surrendering her hands.
“Wasn’t aware we were fightin’.” I walked over to the closet, kicking off my boots, and grabbing a fresh shirt from the hanger.
She smiled, her anxiety lessening. “I have something for you.” She stood, walking over to me. Placing a white jewelry box in my hand.
I cocked an eyebrow, confused by the turn of events.
“I think this will help with your nightmares. I know you’re struggling to stay above the surface, Creed. I know you feel all this guilt and remorse for what happened to Luke, but I know in my heart, you were his favorite person. Exactly how you are Noah’s,” she paused, letting her words sink in. “I know it’s going to take time for you to find peace, but I’m hoping maybe this will help.” She nodded toward the jewelry box in my hands. “Open it.”
I did, pulling off the lid. Finding a picture of Luke staring back at me engraved in a dog tag. It hung off a silver chain that was fastened in the box. Autumn took the necklace out, turning it over for me to read the engraving.
“Death leaves a heartache no one can heal. Love leaves a memory no one can steal,” she recited out loud to me. “I read that somewhere and it always stuck with me. I wasn’t sure why, until now.”
We locked eyes as she placed the dog tag over my heart. “Time heals all wounds, but your memory of Luke is forever. No one can steal that from you, do you hear me? Even though he is gone, he will always be with you here.” She patted my heart, looking up at me through her lashes.
What happened next nearly dropped me on my fucking ass. She stood on the tips of her toes and shyly smiled, then leaned in and kissed my lips softly. Opening her mouth against mine, baiting me to move my lips in sync with hers.
I didn’t.
She continued trying. Nudging her nose with mine, looking up at me through her lashes. Pressing her perfect tits firmly against my chest. She smelled so fucking good.
My cock twitched.
When she tenderly pecked my lips once again, this time running her tongue along my mouth, she moaned, a soft, sultry hum, luring me in. I couldn’t take it anymore. I reached up holding her pretty, little, freckled face between my hands. Gently kissing her back, my walls crumbling down around me. All reservations I had about us, breaking apart with it.
As fast as it happened, it was over and I pulled away, leaning my forehead on hers and whispering, “This doesn’t change anything, Autumn.”
She closed her eyes tight for a second, taking in what I said. The hurt evident on her face. I would remember the next words that came out of her mouth for the rest of my life.
She slowly opened her eyes again, looking deep into mine, and spoke with conviction, “He won’t rest in peace, Creed. Until you let him. It starts with you.”
This was just the start of the sudden shift in our friendship. Already knowing in my fucking gut…
That no good could come of this.
SEVEN
MIA
“Winner! The young lady in the pink tank top, come on down. What can I get ya, darlin’?” the carnival worker’s voice boomed over the crowd that started to gather around Uncle Jacob and me.
“Oh my God! I won again,” I goaded, putting my hands up to my face, pretending to be shocked. “Take that, Uncle Jacob! What is that now? Zero wins for you and six for me? Boom!” I smiled, running over to the carney to claim another prize.
This time I picked out a big pink teddy bear with a tie-dyed shirt on, to go with my other prizes.
“You really are Lucas’s kid,” Uncle Jacob teased, ruffling my hair.
I pulled away from him, looking up at the side of his face as we walked side-by-side down the grassy field. “Did he use to kick your butt, too?”
He just laughed and shook his head, confirming I was right. “Let’s go find your aunt and cousins, smartass.”
The Fourth of July fair had been going on for decades in Southport. Always set up in the same field with the ocean as it's backdrop. People from all over came to town that weekend to join the festivities. The huge Ferris wheel could be seen for miles outside of town, lighting up the night with its neon-colored lights. There were beer tents, casino tents, games tents, any kind of attraction you could think of, it was there.
All of them surrounding the carnival-style rides and booths, like the one I had just schooled Uncle Jacob at. Music blasted through the speakers, bells rang out announcing winners and screams echoed off the rides. I loved the energy of the fair the most, people smiling and laughing without a care in the world. Oh, and the smell of the carnival food, just thinking about it made my tummy rumble.
My grandparents on daddy’s side actually met at the fair. Papa had told me stories time and time again how love came to him on the merry-go-round. My grandma, who I had never met, was riding on one of the horses going up and down, laughing with her friends. He stood at the gate watching her being carefree and happy. Saying she had a smile that could light up anyone's life, and it had. She died from breast cancer when Mason was just a baby. My daddy said it was the hardest time of his and Aunt Lily's lives, the saddest too. But they keep her in their hearts and see a lot of her in me. I just wish I could have met her. It would have been nice to maybe have someone on my side.
After pleading with Daddy for over a month, he finally gave into letting me go to the Fourth of July Fair. Except, I had to go with Uncle Jacob, Aunt Lily, and their two kids, instead of with Mason, Bo, and their friends like I wanted to. Daddy and Momma were going out of town for the weekend for some romantic getaway, saying they needed some quiet time together. I told them they would have plenty of quiet time if Daddy would stop making Momma scream in their bedroom. He knew she didn’t like to be tickled. I couldn't understand why he still tickled her all the time.
I was pissed when Daddy said I had to stay with my aunt and uncle all weekend. I wanted to stay home with Mason and Bo. There was no chance at winning that fight. Not even for one night. I was grateful to be going to the fair at least, but the last thing I wanted was to be treated like a baby again. I didn’t want to go with my aunt and uncle, they wouldn’t let me go on the big rides like Mason would. I went to go argue my case, but Momma gave me a stern look not to start with him again.
So I just dropped it, even though I hated losing. Nothing upset me more than not being right. Momma said I got that from my daddy, you would think that it would make him understand me better, but I think it only made it worse. All I could hope for was to run into Mason or Bo and be allowed to hang with them for a little while.
“Mia, if you win any more prizes, we’re not going to be able to fit them in the car,” Aunt Lily laughed, holding a giant monkey around her neck, hugging my dolphin, and carrying my goldfish I had won.
“I can’t help that Uncle Jacob sucks,” I replied, sticking my tongue out at him.
“Pssh… I wasn’t even tryin’, little girl.”
“Alright you two, Riley wants to go on the Tilt-A-World again, and Christian is asleep in the stroller. Let’s ride a few more and then go find a good spot f
or the nighttime parade, okay?”
“We just got here, Aunt Lily. I didn’t get to go on any of the rollercoasters, especially The Scrambler. I haven’t even eaten my funnel cake, you have to eat a funnel cake at the carnival.” I cocked my head and put my hands on my hips.
“If we wait too long we won’t be able to see the parade. Besides, you’re too little to go on those rides.”
“Says who? I’m tall enough,” I argued, walking over to the cardboard clown holding a measuring tape. “See.” I pointed up. “I’m plenty big. If Mason were here, he’d take me.” I think since I was the first girl to be born in the family, everyone thought they had to baby me because of it. “Come on, Aunt Lily. What happened to you being fun?”
“Mia Ryder, you don’t talk to your aunt that way,” Uncle Jacob chastened.
I peered up at him through my lashes, resisting the urge to roll my eyes. Knowing it would only get me in more trouble.
I sighed, looking down at my feet. No one understood, no one ever took my side. Papa, my grandpa, tells me all the time that the good ol’ boys, Momma, and aunt Lily never listened either. They were always causing trouble, but you'd never believe that now.
I kicked around the dirt, eating my funnel cake, following close behind them. Watching people get on and off the rides I wanted to go on, annoyed the entire time.
We went on a few more kiddy rides before Aunt Lily found an open spot next to one of the bars. I watched all the people gathering around, excited for the parade that would lead to fireworks. The Southport festival had the best firework display in North Carolina, winning awards for years.
“Uncle Jacob, can I—” Bright headlights illuminated behind his tall frame, and the loud sound of motorcycle engines revving, broke my train of thought. I immediately peered behind him. Tons of Harleys came into view, there had to be at least twenty to twenty-five bikes filing into the parking lot next to the bar. Wearing vests exactly like Creed’s.
“Un-fuckin’-believable,” Uncle Jacob gritted out, turning his head toward the noise. “What are those pieces of shit doing here?”