She gasped, jerking back. “Jesus, Austin.”
I rolled my eyes, walking away from her, needing to move again. My body tingled everywhere.
“Oh, come on, Alex, we’re not kids anymore. I know you get… wet,” I crudely baited. Not giving a fuck anymore.
She immediately jumped off her car, walking away from me. I grabbed her arm a little too hard, just wanting to stop her.
“Oh my God, stop! I’m joking. Calm down.”
“Let go of my arm,” she harshly demanded.
I did.
“You’re lying. What are you on?” she repeated, sounding like a damn broken record.
I sighed, wanting her to stop asking and blurted, “Ecstasy.”
“Why? Why are you doing this?”
I smiled big, backing away. “Why not, Alex? You only live once. Might as well fucking make it count, right?”
“Austin,” she murmured, trying to reach for me.
I pulled back my arm, already knowing what was coming. There was no way in Hell I was letting her ruin my high. After everything I’d been through the last few years, I fucking deserved it.
“No! Don’t look at me like that. I’m having fun.”
She eyed me, disappointed in my behavior.
I put my hand out in the air, surrendering. “Fuck it. I’m out of here.”
“Austin!” she shouted after me, but I ignored her and kept going.
I walked around aimlessly for I don’t know how long. There was a park up the road I found myself wandering toward. I wanted to look at the stars. Be in the moment. Fucking forget about her. Fucking forget about all of them. I laid down on the slide, tucking my arms behind my head, and peered up at the sky.
Lost in the beauty of the world.
The silence all around me.
The quiet before the storm…
“What the fuck, man?” Dylan roared, walking up to me with Jacob beside him.
That didn’t take long. Nice of you to join me, boys, but if you came here to lecture me, I suggest you turn the fuck around. I’m not going to take any shit from either one of you,” I calmly stated, causing them to jerk back from the impact of my response.
I was in no fucking mood for more bullshit. I just wanted to look at the goddamn stars.
“Jesus Christ, Austin,” Jacob rebutted. “What are you doing? This isn’t you.”
I scoffed, standing up right in front of them. “Who am I? Huh? You tell me, boys, because I have no fucking idea anymore. I have spent the last twenty-one years of my life marching in line with all of you. I’m done. Do you hear me? Fucking done.”
Today was the last straw…
No more going back for me.
Just clear skies ahead.
“What the hell are you talking about? You’re not making any goddamn sense,” Dylan countered, folding his arms over his chest. “Fuck, man, we know you went through some shit with the car accident but—”
“You don’t know a goddamn thing. Your head’s been so far up Aubrey’s and every other girl’s pussy, you can barely see straight.”
Dylan immediately stepped toward me ready to throw down, but Jacob placed his arm across his chest.
“Relax,” he ordered in a rough tone, looking back at me. “This the way you want to play it? We’re your friends not your enemies, asshole. You need to remember that while you’re on this path of self-destruction that you so intently feel like continuing. What’s next? Cocaine? Huh? What’s it going to take for you to get your fucking shit together, Austin? Rehab? Fucking overdosing? Do you have a fucking death wish, bro? Please tell us so we know what to expect from your path of God-knows-what.”
I snidely smiled. I was done fucking protecting them. They wanted to act like I was the fuck up. They wanted to pretend like they were so fucking perfect, well then they had another thing coming.
Lucas with his God-given attitude of never hurting Alex, when all he did was that. Knocking someone up killed her in ways I couldn’t have done in the car accident.
Dylan fucking anything with tits and an ass, flaunting it in Aubrey’s face, not giving a shit about the hurt it caused her.
And then Jacob… fucking Jacob.
“That’s… fucking… rich… coming from you, Oh, Mighty Jacob.” I shook my head with a devious stare directed only at him.
I could see Dylan from the corner of my eye. He seemed just as baffled as Jacob was. They really were fucking clueless, such goddamn hypocrites. Acting like they were better than me, when they were anything but.
“You want to judge me and point fingers? People who live in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones…” I mocked in a tone he didn’t appreciate.
“Stop speaking in code and just fucking spit it out already,” Jacob demanded.
“You want to talk about how I’m living my life? Tell me that I’m fucking up? Well, shit, Jacob, why don’t you look in the goddamn mirror?”
He jerked back like I had punched him in the face, and now I was going to take him down.
“I saw you. I saw it all. I was there that night.”
“What night?”
“The Cove,” I simply stated.
His eyes widened, all the color draining from his face.
“What’s the matter, Jacob? Cat got your tongue?” I taunted.
Dylan looked back and forth between us. “What the fuck is he talking about?”
“Should I tell him?” I baited, nodding toward Dylan.
I knew the night was replaying over in Jacob’s mind as I stood in front of him.
“Oh, come on, Jacob, we’re all friends here, right? Isn’t that what you just said to me. What are secrets between friends?”
“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” he finally gritted out, his jaw clenching.
“I don’t? Well, then why don’t I refresh your memory and let Dylan decide if I’m right or wrong. You see… Dylan,” I ridiculed, still only looking at him.
“Jacob here isn’t who he thinks he is. Holding himself up on a goddamn pedestal when he should be buried in the ground for what he wants to do. See, I was in town a few weeks ago, hanging out at The Cove downtown. I saw someone that looked like Luca’s baby sister and to my surprise it was actually her.”
Dylan shut his eyes like he knew what the next words out of my mouth were going to be. It was then I realized we all kept secrets from each other.
“So, of course, I made my way toward her. She was dry humping some cocksucker on the dance floor. I would have never thought the girl I saw as a little sister my whole life could move like that. It made me sick to watch it. What did it do to you, Jacob?”
His fists clenched at his sides.
“Then out of nowhere I see this guy haul ass through the crowd. I’m getting ready to throw down if some other motherfucker even lays a finger on her. Except, I’m nearly knocked on my ass when I see Jacob appear like her knight in shining armor. Isn’t that right? After you proceeded to kick the guy’s ass, I’m about to walk over and pat you on the fucking back for a job well done, but Lily shoves you and takes off like a bat out of Hell. Jacob here not far behind her.”
He tried to remain calm, but each word that came out of my mouth made him more aware of how fucked up the situation was.
“So I followed you. Both of you. Would you like to tell Dylan what I saw? Or should I do the honors?”
He shut his eyes, the shame immediately filling his body.
“I watched you pretty much attack her in a parking lot on the side of a goddamn SUV. Tell me, bro, do little girls get you hard?”
“Enough,” Dylan interjected, taking the words right out of Jacob’s mouth. I didn’t know if it was for his benefit or Jacob’s, but I assumed it was both.
“Yeah... try watching it. Maybe Jacob can give you a private show like he gave me?”
“Austin,” Jacob warned on his last thread.
I cocked my head to the side. “Or do you only get hard when you think no one is watching?”
He narrowed h
is eyes at me. I didn’t falter.
“It’s all good, Jacob, as long as there’s grass on the field, I say play ball.”
He cold-cocked me straight in the jaw. My face swayed back from the impact of his fist, but my body didn’t move. I was expecting it. Bracing myself for it.
“You can say whatever the fuck you want about me, but you talk about Lily like that again, and I will lay you the fuck out, Austin. I don’t give a fuck who you are.” He shook out his hand, the pain traveling up his arm.
I leaned over, spitting out blood on the grass. Glaring up at him. “Truth hurts don’t it, motherfucker?”
He stepped toward me and Dylan held him back, stepping in between us.
“Get out of here, Austin,” Dylan ordered.
I looked at him, surprised and dismayed. I couldn’t believe after what I told him he was taking Jacob’s fucking side. I know I only saw Jacob kiss Lily against the SUV that night but fuck, if that would have been me instead, they would have crucified me.
“The Good Ol’ Boys, huh? Yeah… you don’t have to tell me twice,” I viciously spewed, backing away still facing them.
I wanted to remember them just like that. So if I ever missed home, I would always remember that there was no home.
To go back to.
Briggs
I swallowed two blue pills stamped with stars and I wanted to dance. I couldn’t remember the last time I closed my eyes for more than a few seconds other than to feel the euphoria coursing through me. I rode the high for as long as I could.
Hours…
Days…
It all blended together.
The crowd of the club got louder, heavier, deeper.
Except when you’re a Martinez, you don’t worry about any of that. You’re up in VIP, in a private section, closed off, partying with whoever the fuck you want.
I brought the party.
I stood on the balcony swaying my hips, watching the people dancing below through dazed and tainted eyes. Loving life, living in the moment, letting the beat take over them.
Not a care in this fucked up world.
The darkness in my soul consumed me, overshadowing the high that I so desperately wanted to hold onto.
All that was left was emptiness.
Next thing I knew I was opening my car door, my sound system blasting ‘Silence’ by Delirium through the speakers. Thumping loud and hard into my veins, mimicking the pounding in my heart and the ringing in my ears. As if she was talking just to me.
Just. For. Me.
Feeling me.
Possessing me.
Silencing me.
I pulled my car over on the side of the road. I grabbed my ear buds and plugged them into my phone, slipping it into my back pocket. Not wanting the music to stop as I walked toward the Brooklyn Bridge. It was one of the oldest bridges in New York, and it captured my attention as a child. There was something about the bright lights of the city reflecting off the East River, the sounds of traffic flying past as you walked along the pedestrian path. No matter the time or day.
It was alive.
Breathing for me.
One of my only fond memories was driving on the bridge as a child, shouting at Esteban to look up every time we were about to go under the double arches. I would hold my breath until we passed through what looked like angel wings, making wishes that never came true.
I got lost in the beat of the music blasting through my ears, mesmerized by the meaning of her words, pulling me closer and closer to the angel arches. My feet moved on their own accord, my body and mind following close behind my deliberate steps.
I dropped out of school the day of my fifteenth birthday. I knew my parents would be rolling over in their graves. Their only daughter… a high school dropout. They weren’t around though, so now I followed Alejandro’s footsteps. Whether I wanted to or not. Two years since I embraced being a Martinez, sitting next to my uncle on the bus to Hell.
And already it felt like an eternity nailed to the cross.
I took in the beauty of the Heaven in front of me, standing right under the angel, looking over the edge and gazing down below. Cars flew by faster and faster, headlights blurring into the night. They appeared so small, so powerless, almost like they weren’t real.
The soft strumming of the chorus immediately assaulted my senses, making the hairs on my arms stand at attention. The thumping from the ear buds vibrating against my core. It was a warm night but I suddenly felt cold all over, chills running through me. I closed my eyes reeling in the emotions, the feelings, and racing thoughts that attacked my mind at rapid speed.
One right after the other.
They were devastating and merciless.
I grabbed onto the cold railing, taking a deep breath as the wind blew against my face, producing a new high I had yet to experience. I rested my head back relishing in the vibrations against my soul. I had no control over my body, placing one foot on the railing, the other slowly after.
The music was smooth like silk, but raw like nails, clawing at my skin, burrowing inside me, making its self at home.
My mind.
My body.
My soul.
I climbed through the wires to stand on the rusted ledge, steadying myself once my feet met my hands. Gradually balancing before slowly standing tall. My thoughts bleeding off of me right onto the oncoming traffic. I felt the vibes all around me even though I still hadn’t opened my eyes to take it all in.
I was caught up in the silence, I could finally believe. Lifting my arms out beside me like an angel ready to fly away. Riding the white wave to my sense of wonder.
Freedom.
I sucked in deep breaths, my heart beating so fucking hard. I thought the pounding would knock me over from the force of my own rage. The song hitting it’s all-time high and just when the thought of letting go came over me.
Giving into the release.
The beat slowed, the song coming to an end. The chaos quieted down all around me.
I opened my eyes.
Gasping.
The force so powerful, so crippling, so fucking real that it jerked my body back against the wire cables, my hands immediately gripping the iron ropes to the point of pain.
For a moment I had silence.
For a second I found my peace.
Even if it almost just cost me…
My life.
Chapter 12
Austin
It had been a month since I dropped out of college.
It had been a month since I left and hadn’t looked back once.
It had been a month since I started living.
I got the fuck out of California, leaving all the bullshit behind. I took the first flight available to Ohio, not bothering to tell anyone. As far as I was concerned no one existed to me anymore. The only stop I made was by our apartment to grab enough shit to fit in my duffle bag. I went straight to the airport and picked the next flight departing, getting the hell out of Ohio.
Which happened to be Miami, Florida.
I met some random chick on the plane and followed her back to her apartment, where we fucked for the next three days. I didn’t mind, she had nice tits and let me fuck them, too. Plus it was a place I could crash for a few days till I got my shit together.
My phone was blowing up with phone calls and text messages from everyone and their mother. After a week of not answering or replying you’d think they’d take the goddamn hint, but it only made them bother me more.
I replied to one text.
“I’m fine, Half-Pint. I’ll keep in touch when I can. Goodbye.”
And I threw away my phone.
I was living off odd end jobs, here and there, enough to get me through without settling any roots. I was technically homeless, crashing with friend’s that I met partying or a new pussy’s bed, more often than not.
I was having the time of my life.
I lit my cigarette as we walked into the party, blowing smoke into the air. T
he pretty blonde I picked up at the bar said she was going to some house party on South Beach.
Never being one to pass up a good time, I decided to go with her.
We arrived around one in the morning, having a few drinks while she eye-fucked the shit out me before leaving the bar. The house was packed by the time we walked in, barely enough room to pass through the crowds of people as I followed her to the makeshift bar.
“What’s your poison?” she asked.
“Whiskey neat.”
She cocked her head to the side. “A Jack Daniel’s boy, huh?’
“Yes, ma’am,” I drawled out with a grin.
I had already forgotten her name. Nothing new for me, chick’s faces and names always blended together. I never stayed around long enough or cared enough to remember who they were.
“Ma’am, huh?” She flirted.
“I’m just a Southern boy,” I simply stated.
She slowly nodded. “Is it true what they say about boys from down South?”
“Depends who you’re asking.” I smiled.
She introduced me to some of her friends she found inside. We hung out, drinking, dancing and shooting the shit about nothing in particular. I needed a break from the stifling atmosphere. Excusing myself, I made my way out onto the empty balcony, wanting a change of scenery. It was hotter than Hell in there, and I wasn’t a fan of big crowds to begin with.
I lit the blunt that was in my pocket, sucking in a deep, long breath, holding it in. I leaned against the railing, resting on my forearms, overlooking Miami Beach. Taking in the soft lure of the waves of the ocean, the moon smiled down on me like a Cheshire cat. There was mixture of smoke and salt in the air surrounding me. The beach brought back such a familiar feeling, and for the first time a sense of longing came over me.
I blew out the smoke in my lungs.
The music from inside changed over to this seductive, alluring beat. A soft voice followed with lyrics about her head being a jungle, and I could relate to that feeling. Something about the song made me turn around and look back inside.
The dance floor wasn’t as packed as it was before. People were still everywhere, dancing, hooking up, and having a great time without a care in the world.