I rolled my eyes. “She should have thought about that before she left me.”
“Why don’t you try talking to her? Maybe hear her out?”
“That would imply that I actually gave a fuck about her.”
I pulled another random girl to my other side, and Jacob shook his head, walking away from me. We were at Cole’s fraternity party, and as much as Alex tried to hide it, I knew her and Cole were together. I caught the looks that they gave each other and the way she would touch him when she thought no one could see them. I didn’t understand why she was trying to hide it from us. I didn’t care who she dated as long as she was happy, and Cole seemed to treat her right.
The night took a turn for the worst when Alex came running up to Jacob to tell him that Austin was high on ecstasy. I wasn’t surprised in the least. The boy had a fucking death wish. After Jacob and I found him in the park and tried to help him, all it led to was our friendship going to Hell in a hand basket. Shit was said that could never be taken back, and my disappointment in both Austin and Jacob at the moment was enough to send me spiraling down a bottle of rum.
I took a swig out of the bottle as I made my way down to the beach. The fiery liquid burned with delight. I wanted to forget. I wanted to pretend like the last fucking hour didn’t happen. I ended up on the beach that was within walking distance of their apartment and I knew that was Aubrey’s doing.
She loved the beach.
I wanted to imagine that I didn’t see her fucking face in front of me, the same face that I desperately tried to forget over the years.
All of it, every memory and emotion hitting me in the face, back to back. Taunting me. Making me feel like the piece of shit I knew I was.
I didn’t want to feel anything.
I didn’t want to remember anything.
I didn’t want to know anything.
I felt as though I was reliving it all over again — the rape, her leaving me, the demise of my life and our love. Falling on me like a ton of fucking bricks, and I couldn’t breathe. I was suffocating. My adrenaline was pumping through my core, and I could feel the sweat pooling at my temples. I walked out into the water, the bottle already half gone. I was numb. I was always numb. Except when I wasn’t.
Women.
Fucking.
“You know there are sharks in there, right?”
I spun to find a brunette standing there and just like that it was gone. I could breathe. “No shit, is that right?”
She laughed. “Aren’t you scared of sharks?”
“Sharks don’t come to the shoreline, darlin’.” I took in her figure, a small waist and big tits. She was wearing a cover up over her bikini, easy access.
“I know, but why risk it? Anything can happen.”
“Anything?” I grinned.
She blushed.
“Isn’t it a little late for you to be walking the beach by yourself?”
“I’m not alone. You’re here,” she warranted.
“Exactly.”
“My name’s—”
“I don’t care what your name is,” I interrupted, walking toward her.
“Well, I know your name. Dylan,” she sassed.
“Is that supposed to impress me?”
Her eyes widened.
“Your lips.” I reached out and rubbed my thumb back and forth on her bottom lip. “They’re already doing that.”
Her breathing hitched.
“I want to see what else they can do.” I pushed my thumb into her pouty mouth. “Do you?” I questioned with conviction.
She sucked on my thumb like a damn pro and reached for my belt, unbuckling it.
“Good girl,” I praised, removing my thumb and bringing her closer to me by the nook of her neck. “Pull out my cock,” I groaned into her ear, and her skin immediately warmed my hand. I softly kissed down her neck, taking in her sweet smell of sunscreen.
I did recognize the girl. She was one of the sorority girls or some shit.
All the faces blended together, all but one.
I didn’t know her name and I didn’t care, I wasn’t lying about that. If she had followed me out here then she would definitely do anything for me.
And I wanted her on her knees.
She did as she was told with unsteady hands.
“Stroke it. Harder,” I ordered as I continued to kiss down to her breasts, making sure to rub my facial hair along the way. Women loved that.
“Like this?” she breathed out.
I groaned and cupped her breasts into my face. “Yeah…”
She was so responsive and that’s what I enjoyed the most about women. I jerked her head back and she moaned, pulling her onto the ground till she was on her knees. She took her hand away and I placed my own around my shaft, pumping myself up and down in front of her face as she looked back at me with hooded eyes.
When she realized what I was doing, her eyes glazed over like she had never seen a man stroke himself before. Or it could have been the size of my dick.
Either way it turned me on.
I looked down at her. “It’s not going to suck itself, sweetheart,” I huskily urged.
She didn’t have to be told twice, and her soft, wet, hot mouth took me in. I continued to jerk myself off while she sucked on the head of my cock until she started to move her mouth down toward my shaft.
“Deeper,” I demanded.
This girl followed directions quite nicely, but when she didn’t take me as far as I would have liked, I did it for her. She gagged when I felt the back of her throat, making me growl and her wet.
“Pull down your bottoms, put your hand on your pussy and play with yourself. I want to watch you come.”
Again she followed my orders perfectly, manipulating her clit, slow at first then faster and more demanding. I gripped onto the sides of her face, moving her mouth on my cock the way I wanted.
The way I craved.
Her hand once again stroked me, and I quickly found a rhythm that had my head leaning back.
“Good girl, such a good girl,” I groaned, staring up at the moon.
Thinking of someone else as I fucked her mouth.
I enjoyed the feel of her lips wrapped around me, but I was drunk as shit. I wasn’t going to come. When I looked back down at her she wasn’t who I wanted her to be and that pissed me off. I roughly removed myself from her mouth, tucking my cock back in my pants.
“What the hell?” she snapped.
“I should ask you the same thing, darlin', with lips like yours, I thought you'd be a goddamn pro.”
I left her there yelling obscenities, tuning her out.
By the time I made it back to their apartment, my drunken haze lingered but I started to sober up. I used the key Alex gave me knowing no one would be home yet. It was still fairly early by college standards. It was pitch dark when I walked inside. I must have left the bottle somewhere since it was no longer in my hand. I made my way toward Alex’s bedroom wanting to pass the fuck out on her bed till she got home.
I opened the door and Aubrey gasped, spinning around to face me with her arms over her naked chest.
I immediately smiled, gripping the door handle. Cocking my head to the side to take in her gorgeous fucking body that looked like the Aubrey that I remembered.
My girl.
“Jesus Christ, McGraw, don’t you knock?”
“Ain’t nothin’ I haven’t seen before, suga’.”
She rolled her eyes. “You’re drunk.”
“You’re beautiful.”
She shook off my complement. “Were you raised in a barn? Shut the damn door.”
“Well, I’ll be damned, darlin, you don’t have to ask me twice.” I shut the door, leaning my back against it with my arms crossed over my chest.
“I meant get out,” she scolded.
“But I really want in,” I countered, peering down her body.
“You’re vile. How many girls have slept in your bed in the last two years, McGraw? Better yet, how
many girls beds have you slept in the last week?”
I snidely smiled. “Bree, you lost the right to ask me about my bed when you decided you didn’t want to be in it anymore.”
She jerked back, stunned. “Get. Out.”
I raised my eyebrows. “Truth hurts, don’t it?”
“You’re such a—”
“You stole my heart and never gave it back.”
Her eyes widened.
I sighed, walking towards the bed to sit against the pillows by the headboard. I beheld the ceiling for a few seconds before tossing my arm over my eyes to allow her to change. I don’t know how long I sat there until I felt the bed dip next to me.
“That’s not fair,” she announced out of nowhere.
I moved my arm and pulled back my hair, glancing at her sideways. “For who?”
She wore cotton shorts with a top similar to the one she was wearing the first night I saw her. Her blonde hair had gotten long, descending all the way down to her waist. Her bright green eyes still had the power to bring me to my knees all with just a simple look. She wasn’t wearing any makeup but she never needed it, she was always naturally breathtaking. The women I slept with didn’t even come close to her.
She looked older, and I hated the fact that I missed all that time with her. There was something in her eyes that told me that she wanted to say so much, and I would sit there for the rest of my life if that’s what it took for her to open up to me.
The past was still lurking right around the corner like a goddamn shadow I couldn’t get away from. All I wanted were a few moments in time where it didn’t haunt us anymore. Where it wasn’t right there for the taking.
She broke my heart, and yet there I was willingly waiting for her to do it again.
She caressed my cheek with the knuckles of her delicate fingers as if she knew what I felt, what I thought, what I wanted.
I leaned into her hand and it fell onto the back of the headboard. I used it as a pillow as her other hand played with my hair, pulling the longer pieces away from my face.
“I can’t believe you kept your hair like this,” she murmured as if it hurt her to say it.
“You loved it,” I simply stated the truth.
My face turned into the palm of her hand and I softly kissed it, waiting for her to pull away like she always did before she left me on my knees, begging her to stay.
When she didn’t, I slowly placed tender pecks up her arm, brushing my lips back and forth to enjoy the feel of her skin against my mouth.
She was so soft.
So warm.
I made it to her shoulder and moved her hair to the other side of her neck, never stopping my caresses on her skin. I could feel the effect I was having on her and she hadn’t stopped me, yet.
“Dylan,” she lightly stirred, her body tensing.
My heart sped up. “What, suga’?” I was getting closer to her neck.
“You need to stop.”
“No, I don’t.”
Her chest lifted with every movement of my lips getting closer to her mouth.
“We can’t do this.”
“Yes, we can.”
I grabbed the side of her face, beckoning her mouth to mine and she let me. Her eyes were tightly shut, and she smelled like everything I ever wanted.
“You’re so fucking beautiful,” I groaned, desperately craving to take what I needed to be mine.
Her mouth parted as I brought her over to me. The smell and feel of her were making me dizzy, and all I wanted was to kiss her. It was such an innocent gesture, such a simple desire.
I wanted to capture this moment and hold onto it for as long as I could. I wanted to remember her just this way.
For me.
Mine.
“I know a part of me will always be waiting for you. And I want to hate you for it, but I can’t,” I murmured, getting closer to her mouth.
She shook her head unable to find the words.
“I’m going to kiss you now.”
She licked her lips beckoning me to do it.
“You’ve ruined me for every other woman, Aubrey, every last one,” I found myself saying.
She immediately opened her eyes and looked right into mine. “Promise?”
I didn’t falter. Not for one damn second. “Always.”
The front door slammed open, and it was like a bucket of ice cold water was briskly poured on top of her. She jumped back and away from me after the sudden intrusion.
“You need to go,” she ordered.
She wasn’t done breaking my goddamn heart.
“That’s not what you want,” he replied.
“You don’t know what I want, McGraw.”
“That’s where you’re wrong, darlin’, I’ve always known. It’s you that hasn’t.”
I held my chin higher, trying not to let the truth falling off his lips affect me.
“Someday you’re going to find yourself and wish you hadn’t.”
“What do you want from me?” I breathed out.
“Everything,” he simply stated. “But right now I’ll settle for holding you.”
I shook my head no, scared that if I opened my mouth my response would be different.
“Let me hold you, darlin, just for tonight. Tomorrow you can go back to pretending that you don’t love me.”
“Dylan…”
“I’ll sleep on top of the blankets like a good ol’ boy.”
“I can’t.”
“Try.”
I knew what I was doing to myself but the memories already held me captive, and I wanted so desperately to feel anything other than the hatred that lived inside of me.
Even if it was for one night.
I pulled the covers back and got under them, turning away from the face that I couldn’t bear to lie to anymore and waited. He flipped off the light and the darkness immediately took me under. I never slept with the light off. I was about to open my mouth and tell him that I couldn’t do this.
As much as I yearned to.
When I felt his arm come around me, just his arm. He didn’t tug me toward him, he didn’t move me from the place I lay and he didn’t scoot over closer to me. All he did was place his arm over my stomach as if he knew it was all I could take, and I think I fell in love with him all over again.
But too much had happened.
Things that I couldn’t forget.
Mistakes that I couldn’t change.
Regrets that I couldn’t take back.
I closed my eyes and to my surprise it didn’t take long for me to start to fall asleep. Except before I did, I heard him whisper,
“I love you. I’ll always love you.”
I slept the entire night for the first time since the day I died with the man who promised he could save me.
“Right, I know, Aunt Celeste,” I lied.
“Are you eating? Sleeping? Taking care of yourself?”
“Mmm hmm…”
“Aubrey,” she coaxed.
“How is she? Is she doing okay?” I asked out of nowhere.
“Of course she is. I would tell you if she wasn’t.”
I nodded even though she couldn’t see me.
“I got to go though, Jeremy is on his way. I’ll check back in soon.”
“Call your mom, okay?”
“I will.”
“I love you, honey.”
“Me too.” I hung up.
It was my senior year of college, and I was twenty-two years old about to graduate with my bachelor’s degree in fashion and design in a few short weeks. I didn’t have a clue what I would be doing with it, but I would have it the nonetheless.
The front door slammed open.
“Aubrey, where the fuck are you?”
I jolted off my bed.
“Nice to see you too, Jeremy,” Alex greeted as I rushed out of my bedroom.
He immediately smiled, his demeanor changing drastically from the man who just barged through my front door.
“Alex,??
? he coaxed. “I didn’t see your car outside.”
“I left it at Cole’s. He dropped me off this morning, he’s waiting for me outside.”
“Hey, baby,” he acknowledged, reaching for me and pulling me to his side. He kissed me and then looked back at Alex.
I had met Jeremy at one of Cole’s fraternity parties at the beginning of the school year. He was alumni having graduated three years prior as vice president of the fraternity like his father before him and so on. His family was high profile, and they were generations upon generations of politicians. Jeremy worked for his father, running his office and handling the behind the scenes campaign needs.
He hated it.
He traveled all the time, and each time he came back he was worse than he was before he left.
“Aubrey, can I talk to you for a second? Alone.”
I nodded, glancing over at Jeremy. He wearingly eyed me before excusing himself to go into my bedroom.
Alex gripped my upper arm, tugging me into the kitchen, further away from my room.
“What are you doing with him, Aubrey? He’s a jerk.”
“So was Dylan,” I simply stated, regretting the words as soon as they left my mouth.
They were nothing alike.
Nothing.
Alex shook her head, disappointed that I was even comparing the two. I couldn’t hate myself more for it, there wasn’t any extra room left for me to feel that. I hadn’t seen or spoken to Dylan since the night I slept with his arm around me. The last time I had a good night’s sleep was over two years ago, so much had changed but yet not enough.
“Dylan wasn’t—”
“I know, Half-Pint, I don’t know why I said that.”
“Why are you doing this to yourself? It makes no sense that you’re with him when you know Dylan is—’
“Not everybody gets their happily ever after, Alex,” I harshly responded.
She stepped back. “What happened to you, Aubrey?”
“I grew up.”
“Let me—”
“Mind your own business, that’s what you need to do. You can’t save me anymore than you could save Lucas.”
She jerked back, hurt.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t mean that.”
“No, Aubrey, I think you did.” With that she turned and left.