I chuckled.
“So, Dad, how’s work?” he asked, taking the focus off of me.
I’ve never loved him more.
We spent the next hour talking about Sebastian growing up and I loved hearing the stories about his childhood. It made me feel closer to him to hear about his life. When his mom got up to get baby albums, he put his foot down and said that it wasn’t necessary; she didn’t listen.
“Isn’t he precious? I swear he was born gorgeous. All the nurses at the hospital couldn’t believe he was a newborn because of how strong his facial features were. He was always such a great baby, sleeping through the night almost immediately. I mean, look at that face.”
I giggled. “Oh my God!” I yelled, looking at a picture of him in the bath. He was only a few months old and his chubby little body was squirming around.
“Mom, I think that’s enough,” he said, grabbing the photo album and she slapped his hand, making me laugh.
“Nonsense,” she reprimanded.
As we looked through all the pictures, it was then that I realized how much Julia really was a part of his life. I played it off nicely, smiling and pretending that it wasn’t hard for me to see.
It was.
When we got to the older years and Olivia showed up–it was uncanny. This girl really did resemble me. I couldn’t believe it; it was almost like looking into a mirror. I had to excuse myself to use the restroom; it was too much to take.
It was like a reality check.
Mocking me.
I fucking knew it.
That was exactly why the second my mom brought out the photo albums, I knew it was going to be a bad idea. It was like witnessing a train wreck. It was written all over her beautiful face the second Julia’s pictures started showing up. She tried to play it off, but she couldn’t hide from me; I wanted so badly to jump over the table and stop it before it happened. I witnessed it in slow motion as Olivia came into the pictures; she looked like she had seen a ghost. I wanted nothing more than to jump over the table and rescue my damsel in distress; instead, I watched her eyes water and then she abruptly excused herself from the table.
I couldn’t blame my mom, it wasn’t her fault–she was just trying to include Ysabelle in my life. It didn’t come from a bad place. She was proud of me, she always had been. She wanted to show off her only child, like any mother would want to do.
“Honey, I’m so sorry; I completely forgot,” she sympathized.
“It’s all right. I know that.”
“I feel awful. What should I do?”
I placed my hand on her shoulder. “I got it, Mom. I’ll be right back.”
I knocked on the bathroom door.
“Just a minute,” she announced.
“Ysa, it’s me.”
“Okay…just give me a minute; there’s something in my eye.”
Bullshit.
“Let me see, I can help.”
“No, I’m fine. I’ll be out in a few,” she choked out like she was crying.
“Please let me in.”
I silently prayed she would and I waited for what felt like an eternity for the door to be unlocked and opened. She leaned on the doorframe with her head tilted on it. Her face was flushed and her eyes glossy.
She looked shattered and my heart broke a little more.
“Hi,” she murmured.
I sighed. “Tell me. Talk to me.”
She shrugged.
She was closed off again; the walls were back up. I wouldn’t get anything out of her. She wouldn’t allow it.
I leaned in, kissed her forehead, and said the only thing I knew to be true. “I love you.”
“I love you, too,” she whispered.
We walked out onto the porch hand-in-hand. She downed her entire glass of wine in one gulp and poured herself another. I proceeded to talk to my parents about our plans for the future and she never let go of my hand. However, she wasn’t there anymore; she had checked out on me. My parents were extremely supportive, just as I knew they would be. They made me promise that I would visit often and I informed them that they were welcomed anytime. We didn’t discuss any of the details other than it’s where I belonged.
Ysabelle nodded and smiled when it was appropriate. From an outsider looking in, she would have appeared happy and content; it couldn’t have been further from the truth.
The neighbors began to arrive. I recognized most of them. I introduced Ysabelle to everyone and everybody doted over her. She played her part perfectly. It was then I finally understood how she could have been a VIP. She did what was expected of her; it was like she turned on an internal switch that made her seamlessly flawless. I was captivated by how effortlessly easy it was for her to hide everything she was feeling. She was stronger than anyone I had ever known, including me.
This woman was an enigma, a paradox of everything that I loved and hated all at the same time.
“Dad!” Christian shouted, taking me out of my daze.
“Buddy!” I replied, catching him in my arms.
“I’ve missed you so much, Dad.”
“Me too, bud, me too.” I held him tighter, breathing in the son that I adored.
“Hey, bud, I want to introduce you to someone,” I stated, standing up and grabbing Ysabelle around the waist.
She smiled.
“Christian, this is Ysabe–”
“I know who she is, Dad; Mom told me she’s your girlfriend,” he declared, taking both of us by surprise.
I looked over at Ysabelle whose eyes had widened and then back at Christian.
“That’s right.” She kneeled down to his level. “Hi, Christian, I’ve actually met you before. You’ve gotten so big I hardly recognized you.”
He smiled. “I know, my baseball coach says I’m going to be just as big as my dad,” he boasted.
She laughed. “I bet just as handsome, too. Got any girlfriends?”
He shrugged. “I got a few.”
We all laughed at that. That went smoother than I would have anticipated.
I caught Julia from the corner of my eye. She was dressed in a long skirt with a tank top; her hair was pulled up in a tight bun. She looked exactly as I remembered her, always impeccably put together. There was a man standing next to her that had his hand around her waist. He looked about my age, but my complete opposite with tan skin, dark hair and eyes. She quickly caught my gaze and smiled, making her way over to me while holding his hand.
“Sebby,” she greeted. “It’s so good to see you.” She pulled me into a tight hug and I returned it.
She pulled away and looked right over to Ysabelle. I could feel her apprehension and Ysabelle’s nervousness.
“Ysabelle, it’s nice to see you again,” she said, extending her right hand.
Ysabelle nodded. “It’s nice to see you, too,” she addressed, shaking her hand.
There was an awkward pause as Julia took Ysabelle in and as soon as it appeared, it was gone.
Julia, always the lawyer.
“I’d like you both to meet, Anthony, Anthony this is Christian’s father, Sebastian, and that’s his girlfriend, Ysabelle.”
Holy shit balls…
I recognized him immediately.
What do I do? What do I do? What do I do? I panicked.
“Sebastian, Ysabelle, nice to finally meet you,” he greeted.
I smiled. “Nice to meet you, too.” I turned to Sebastian. “I’m going to get something to drink do you want something?”
He shook his head no in confusion.
I nodded, smiled at everyone and excused myself as inconspicuous as possible. I franticly walked into the kitchen, looking in every direction. “Where do they keep the hard liquor?” I asked, aloud to myself.
“There’s a bar in the den, you’re in the wrong room.”
I gasped and turned, coming face-to-face with Sebastian.
“What the hell was that?”
“What do you mean?”
“Ysa…” he warned.
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“I need a drink and then I’ll tell you.”
He nodded. “Follow me.”
He poured two shots of whiskey and we took them down simultaneously. I tapped on the counter for another and took that one down. “One more,” I said, holding up a finger. “Anthony was a client of VIP,” I blurted during mid-shot. I recognized his angry face immediately. “Oh no! He has a thing for blondes, obviously, I was never with him.”
“Fuck,” he sneered.
“Yeah…he doesn’t recognize me and the only reason I remember him is because Brooke…well, let’s just say he has some interesting fetishes. But hey”—I held my hands in the air—“good for Julia,” I half-laughed, trying to make light of the small world we lived in.
Sebastian looked livid. Was he jealous?
“I mean…it’s not a bad thing that he was a client. You would be surprised how many men were clients that you would never think would be. VIP is a very successful business. I’m sure he’s not still a client, Sebastian, if that’s what you’re worried about. But I mean…you were a client…so…just trying to paint you a picture here,” I reminded.
“That’s not what I’m worried about.”
“Then what is it?”
“I would hate for Julia’s life to be torn twice because of VIP.”
“Yeah…me, too,” I murmured.
He took a deep breath and then smiled lovingly at me. “Come on.”
The next hour was interesting to say the least, Sebastian was at my side the entire time but I could tell that he wanted to talk to Julia. The information that I shared was hovering over him and I’m not quite sure what he intended on doing with it, but something told me that it wouldn’t be pretty. We socialized with everyone until Sebastian started talking to Matt, a fellow baseball player from high school. Matt informed me that his wife was at the table with the rest of the women that had babies. I was avoiding that table like the plague but found myself standing there nonetheless. Lesley had their six-month-old baby girl in her arms.
“So you can only imagine the transition from being just the two of us, to the three of us now. But we absolutely adore her, I mean she is such a great baby and she sleeps through the night. We are actually talking about having another one because she is that amazing,” she giggled.
This was exactly why women with babies made me nervous, it’s like they completely forget how to talk about anything else.
“Yeah…that make sense,” I casually replied.
“Oh, Ysabelle, can you do me a favor? Can you hold her while I go get her bag from inside, she needs to be fed soon.”
It sounded like a request, however it wasn’t, she handed her right over to me and didn’t even take into consideration the look of distress that I knew was evident all over my face. She placed her in my arms and just turned around. I had never held a baby before. I held her under her armpits, which was the way she handed her over to me and she wiggled and squirmed. I looked all around me to see if anyone was witnessing the shit show that was happening right before them.
When she started whimpering from being uncomfortable, I started moving her up and down, literally, hoping it would calm her.
Jesus…I am not maternal.
Shouldn’t a woman just know how to handle this? Isn’t it like inbred in us or something?
“It’s okay, little person, stop moving, where the hell is your mom?” I said to myself.
“Why are you holding her like that?” Sebastian questioned, catching me off guard and coming up beside me.
“How else am I supposed to hold her?”
“Definitely not like a football,” he laughed, enjoying my misery.
When she started wailing, he grabbed her from me and cradled her in his arms–she was immediately content, looking at ease and safe in his arms. Nothing of what she displayed when I held her.
I placed my hair behind my ear, trying to act nonchalant. “I’ve never held a baby before. Sorry…”
He cocked his head to the side. “Really?”
I nodded. I hated feeling embarrassed and weak.
“It’s all right, Ysa. See how I’m holding her, they like to be coddled and close to your body, the heat is comforting to them.”
“Right…I’ll make sure to remember that.”
“Here, try again,” he ordered, handing her back over to me.
I held her the exact way he had just done and she wasn’t having it. She screamed bloody murder, making everyone turn to look at us. I nervously smiled as Sebastian once again grabbed her from me.
Fuck…this day just keeps getting better and better.
“It’s okay,” he soothed her, rocking her back and forth until she lamented.
“I guess I’m not good with babies,” I half-laughed, trying to make light of the situation.
He grinned. “You’re nervous, they can sense that.”
“Or…I’m just not made to do that.”
“What do you mean?” he coaxed.
“Oh! Sebastian, you are amazing with her,” Lesley boasted, bringing our attention to her. “Look at how happy she is. Ysabelle, he’s going to be a great father–he’s not nervous at all. Matt still gets a little scared when I leave her with him. You’re so lucky.”
Oh yes…so lucky.
Sebastian drew me into the side of his body and I instantly felt at ease. I guess I could relate as to why the baby relaxed in his arms, it worked for me, too. He calmed me as much as he calmed her and I loved him for that. He kissed the top of my head, as if he knew what I was thinking. We were that in sync with one another, always had been.
I found myself in the bathroom, staring at my own reflection in the mirror. I couldn’t help but be bothered by the fact that I felt nothing when I held that baby girl. It was more like a burden than a blessing.
Was that how my mother felt when she had me?
Was it hereditary that I wouldn’t be a good mother? Was that God’s way of showing me that it wasn’t in the cards for me? I would never bring a child into this world, knowing that I didn’t have that maternal gene. It wouldn’t be fair to him or her; I wouldn’t wish my mother on my own worst enemy.
Maybe some women were not made to procreate, and I was one them…
Could Sebastian be satisfied with it just being him and me forever?
I knew in the back of my mind that he wouldn’t.
And for the first time since he came back into my life…
I contemplated it not working out between us.
I could sense that Ysabelle needed some alone time, so I let her be, against my better judgment. I needed to remember that she processed things in her own way and if I pushed her, she would push back.
I took the time to find Julia.
“Hey, can you excuse us for a minute?” I announced to Anthony, who nodded before she followed me inside.
“What’s up?” she asked, sipping her wine.
“Not much, I just wanted to take a few minutes and see how you were doing.”
“I’m great, thanks for asking. How are you?”
“Really good.”
“I can see that. I’m happy for you, Sebby.”
I smiled. I knew she meant it.
“I could say the same for you. You seem smitten.”
She blushed. “I am, he’s a nice guy. We’ve been officially monogamous for maybe the last few weeks. He’s a lawyer, too. We met when my client decided to run his off the road. It’s random, I know.”
“How much do you know about him?”
“Enough…why?”
“Maybe we should sit down,” I suggested, pulling out the dining room chair.
“Okay.”
I set my elbows on my thighs. “I don’t want to be the one to have to tell you this but I also don’t want to see you get hurt. I never wanted to see you get hurt.”
She nodded. “You’re scaring me.”
“Ysabelle recognizes him.” I raised an eyebrow, waiting for her reaction.
She cocked her head to
the side. “Oh, I see…did you think I didn’t already know that?”
I jerked back.
“Anthony has been very honest since day one, as have I. I’m done with the lies as much as you are, Sebby. I have no problem with his past, hell, I have one, too. We all do. I don’t have a problem with it. And you seemed not to either, seeing as you’re with her,” she prompted with attitude.
“Julia, you’re twisting my words. My concern isn’t coming from a place of jealousy,” I reminded. “I care about you and I always will. You’re the mother of my son and always will be. I don’t want to see you get hurt, again. So all I’m trying to say is be careful; that’s all.”
“I appreciate that and I could say the same to you.”
“Excuse me?”
“She loves you, Sebby, don’t twist my words,” she repeated right back to me. “But…sometimes that’s not enough. Trust me, I know.”
“Juli—”
“Christian is very excited to see you and I know he’s missed you terribly, as I’m sure you have, too.”
“Of course. We have a lot to discuss, Julia. I’m actually here because I wanted to let you know about my plans. We need to work out something with Christian for the future.”
She nodded. “I figured as much. I take it you’re planning on taking residence.”
“Yes,” I simply stated.
“All right. How long are you in town for?”
“All week.”
“Sounds good, give me a call tomorrow and I’ll check my schedule. We can meet up for lunch?”
I nodded.
“You look good, Sebby.”
“You do, too.”
She walked back to Anthony and I caught Ysabelle’s stare from the corner of my eye; she shyly smiled at me and turned to continue the conversation with my mom.
It was late evening when we drove back to the suite.
“That wasn’t too bad. Huh?” I squeezed her hand.
“Compared to what?” She grinned.
I made some phone calls and scheduled out my week when we got back. I didn’t realize how much I needed to take care of before I headed back to the island. It would be taking up most of my time while we were there. I found Ysa in bed with her e-reader. I laid my head on her stomach and looked up at her.