I really was my mother’s daughter.
All of those years that I had blamed and resented her were for nothing because I was exactly like her. That’s why she hated me; she never wanted me in the first place and had me so that she could receive more welfare from the government. I was a pawn. It made me sick to my stomach to feel anything other than hatred for that woman. However, I stood there and felt sympathy and understanding. I related to her. We were one and the same.
Madam’s words echoed in my mind.
“Ysabelle, I’ve been doing this a very long time. You’ll come back, you’ll get bored, you’ll need excitement; you’ll be back. Women like us are made like that, it doesn’t just stop because you want it to, it’s in our blood.”
“I want more, Madam, I want it all.”
She chuckled, “You want the white picket fence, the 2.5 kids, and the husband. Jesus Christ, Ysabelle, have you learned nothing these last few years? I mean how many married men have you been with? Have you ever seen a happy marriage?”
What if she was right? What if I’m not made for this? It was just the tip of the iceberg and I was ready to jump ship.
I sat down on the couch and placed my head on my lap to take a deep breath.
“Ysabelle…you love Sebastian. Its been a rocky start, but everything will be fine. Stop being an asshole and get your shit together. You can do this. He’s a small child. You love Sebastian. There is no life without him. You know that…just calm down,” I spoke to myself.
I looked up and Sebastian was leaning in the doorway, looking at me attentively. His eyes said everything I needed to know.
“I love you,” he simply stated.
It was the first time that I needed to hear those words.
And for some reason…they helped.
“That wasn’t so bad,” I said as we finished putting away the groceries.
“I thought he would have wanted more sugar.”
“Julia was pretty adamant on having him on an organic, healthy diet.”
“I see that.”
Christian raced down the stairs. “I’m ready!”
We were going to hit the slopes; she was going to ski while we snowboarded because apparently, skiing was for girls and snowboarding was for boys.
“Let me get my suit on, I’ll be out in a few minutes.”
“Dad, look at my board, it’s got skulls on it.”
We waited for Ysabelle and she came out looking like a snow bunny. I had an instant hard on.
“I’m ready.”
“Yeah! Let’s go!”
I had grabbed her around the waist before she exited the door. “What are you trying to do to me?”
She giggled. “Christian is waiting. Come on.”
I groaned.
We hit the easy trail at first and worked our way up to the intermediate. Christian made some friends and asked to go hang out with them. I gave him my cell phone and told him we would meet up at the lodge in a few hours. Ysabelle said the trail was too easy and she wanted to go try the advanced. The lift was high and the takeoff was rough.
“I changed my mind,” she blurted.
“No way, we’re already up here.”
“I don’t want to anymore.”
“Nope, the only way back down is on the trail.”
“No! Did you see all those people who biffed it coming off the lift? I don’t want to eat shit.”
I laughed. “You’re fine.”
“No I’m not. I’m taking it back down.”
“No you’re not. Now come here and get ready.”
She shook her head back and forth instantly. I grabbed her by the waist, trying to support her weight and slid her off.
“Ahhhh!” she screamed until she glided down the stoop and then turned. “Oh! That wasn’t so bad. Sebastian? Sebastian, where did you go? Why are you on the floor?”
“I sacrificed myself for you.”
She chuckled. “It wasn’t that bad.”
“That’s because I pretty much carried you off.”
She smiled. “Awe! Let me kiss and make it better,” she teased.
She was a great skier, kept up with me the entire time. I was surprised. I had been doing it since I was a kid and I knew it hadn’t been more than a few years for her. I’m assuming it was associated with VIP, but I didn’t want to know. She was picking up great speed and somewhere along the turn, I lost her. I started to panic; these trails were dangerous if you didn’t know what you were doing.
“Ysa!” I yelled. “Ysabelle?”
No answer.
“Ysabelle, this isn’t funny.” I unlocked my boots from my board. There were miles and miles of snow ahead of us, but there were some trees scattered. I was terrified she might have gotten wrapped around one.
I started running toward that direction and an icy shot to the head stopped me.
“Now that’s funny,” she laughed and I turned following the sound of her voice.
“Oh…Ysa…it’s on,” I warned.
“Bring it!”
I took off running and she shrieked, ducking to the massive pile of rolled up snowballs she had in front of her. She hit me with one right after the other and it slowed me down. Once I got closer to her, she sprinted in the other direction, taking a few snowballs with her.
“You can’t catch me!” she shouted.
She was hysterically laughing and lost her footing. I tackled her to the ground, catching myself before I crushed her with my weight. We fell into a pillow of ice.
“Hi.” She smiled. “I win.”
“You cheated.”
“It doesn’t matter how you win or lose, Sebastian, it’s how you play the game.”
“Oh yeah?”
I grabbed a pile of ice and smashed it in her face. She squirmed, kicking and twisting to try to break free.
“Why are you freaking out? What’s going on?” I taunted, piling more and more snow on her face.
“Okay! Okay! Okay! I cheated. You win.”
I immediately brushed off all the snow and her face was bright ass red. I felt bad.
“I can’t feel my nose.”
“Awe! I’m sorry.” I placed my hands on the sides of her face and blew warm air. “That better?”
She nodded, grinning. I leaned in and kissed all over her face until I reached her mouth. The kiss started off innocent enough, but it quickly became heated and passionate.
“I love you, Ysa. I love you so much. You’re my whole world.”
“I love you, too,” she moaned into my mouth.
I kissed her one last time and pulled myself up, dragging her with me. She stumbled, trying to find her balance.
“Whoa, I’m a little lightheaded.”
I held the woman that I wanted to marry in my arms.
And it took everything in me…
Not to ask.
Two days went by and it was Christmas. I had stayed up till late the night before wrapping all the presents and piling them under the tree. I hoped my gifts were better than the food I was picking out for him at the grocery store. Everything I thought he would want to eat was wrong. There is no sugar or sweets in this kid’s diet. I would pick something out and place in the cart and he would look at me like I was crazy, then he would remind me that his mom knew everything and he never had to go to the grocery store.
“My mom doesn’t buy that. My mom wouldn’t let me eat that. That’s not how my mom cooks it.”
I gave up and just started to grab Sebastian’s and my stuff.
“My dad never ate that before. My mom used to cook that for my dad. Oh, that was my dad and mom’s favorite food. Dad used to love the way my mom would make that.” It was a shit show.
“Dad! Wake up! It’s Christmas,” Christian yelled from the living room. It couldn’t have been later than six in the morning, I felt like I had just gone to bed.
“Oh man…how is he up right now?” I groaned.
“Welcome to the world of kids and Christmas. They wake up ass
early.” He yawned. “They also do this on birthdays.”
“Dad! Come on!”
“I’m coming, bud!” he yelled. “Hey…” he whispered, nuzzling my neck. “Merry Christmas, Ysa.”
I peeked my eyes open. “Merry Christmas,” I repeated.
“Dad!”
“Let’s go before he starts foaming at the mouth.”
We brushed our teeth and changed into some casual clothes. Christian had all the presents split up by name and I couldn’t help but notice there were quite a few presents with my name on them. I looked up at Sebastian and he winked at me. Christian said the gifts needed to be opened by age so he got to go first, me second, and Sebastian last.
He opened everything with the same enthusiasm as the first. It didn’t take him long to finish.
“Thanks, Dad, can we hook up my new PS3? Mom got me all these games! Let’s go play them.”
“Yes, but Ysabelle picked out a lot of these things, including that PS3.”
“Oh.” He walked over to me, and it was the first time I saw that he was hesitant and shy, a big difference from the kid who was just bouncing off walls.
“Thank you, you can play the game first if you want.”
I chuckled. “Nah, that’s all you. I’m glad you liked everything.”
“I loved everything. Ummm…can I give you a hug?”
“Of course.”
We both leaned into each other at the same time. I looked over at Sebastian and he mouthed, “I love you.”
“Okay, now it’s your turn,” Christian reminded, pulling away from me and going to play with his new toys, not paying us any mind.
I nodded, trying to hold in all the happiness I felt. I opened a few presents from Brooke and Devon; Sebastian said that they had mailed them over and he had hid them in his suitcase. There was a card with just my name on it with one of Brooke’s gifts. I recognized the handwriting immediately and decided to open it later. We had also decided that we would open our gifts in private, and Sebastian wanted us to wait till New Years Eve. I was confused but went along with it.
“Dad, don’t forget to open all Mom’s gifts. You know she always buys the best presents,” he said, looking right at me.
We spent the rest of the day lounging around and helping Christian set up all his new toys. They had played PS3 for hours at a time as I watched and read. It was nice. The more time I spent with Christian, the more I learned about him. He was shy and reserved if it was just the two of us, but the minute Sebastian came back in the room, he’d light up. I could tell that his dad was his hero. He admired him. It was endearing to watch. It was also overwhelming; he would throw comments here and there about Julia. The woman could do no wrong. She seemed like the perfect mom and wife when they were together. There was no way I could ever measure up to that.
Why would he leave her for me?
The days went by quickly and we spent most of them on the slopes or inside watching movies. I found it interesting that most “kid movies” had such adult and somewhat vulgar humor in them.
It was New Years Eve, and I was laying on the couch reading while they were upstairs playing PS3. I looked up to find Sebastian coming down the stairs and he came right over to me. He grabbed my legs and I winced.
“I’m so sore. I don’t think I can ski anymore.”
“Well then, we definitely need to try out that hot tub outside. Christian won’t make it till midnight, he’ll be passed out within the hour. We can celebrate in private with the champagne bottle I stored in the freezer.”
“That sounds perfect.”
He sat down, placing my legs on his lap and massaged them. “I know we haven’t been able to get much alone time in since we’ve been here.”
“It’s okay, I know you wanted to spend time with him. I understand.”
“I’ll make it up to you later, I promise.”
“I’m going to hold you to that.”
It was eleven by the time we made it into the hot tub. I went in first and he followed shortly after, setting up the champagne on ice and placing the strawberries on the table next to the hot tub.
I moaned. “This feels amazing. We’re sitting in a hot tub while it snows all around us. It’s like a Christmas card.”
“Why are you so far away?”
I smiled. “Because I’m trying to relax and if I sit near you…I won’t be relaxing.”
We sat there for a few minutes just enjoying the view.
“Are you ready for your gifts?” he asked, breaking the silence.
“Of course, you’re lucky I’ve made it this long.”
He handed me two wrapped presents and told me which one to open first. I wiped my hands on the towel that he just used to wipe his own and scooted up to open my first gift.
It was a key.
“This isn’t something cheesy like this is the key to your heart,” I teased, half-serious.
He shook his head no, grinning. “No…open the other one.”
I opened the next present and it was a document; no, it was a contract with both of our names on it.
“Oh my God.”
“Calm down. Nothing is set in stone.”
When his parents were in town, they wanted to go look at houses one day and we went along with them. There was this house that wasn’t far from the bar and I had told him that the pool reminded me of the one in Miami. It was oceanfront property with an infinity pool, four bedrooms, a study, two living rooms and a kitchen that would make my chef jealous.
“If you want it. It’s ours.”
My mouth hung open, I had no idea how to respond.
“Just think about it,” he stated, reading my mind. All I could do was nod.
I reached over the ledge to grab his present and handed it to him, still shaken from the unexpected surprise. He quickly opened it. It was a framed picture of the morning after we were intimate in St. Barts; I was a VIP and he was still married. I remembered thinking that I wanted a memory of our night together. I had never taken a picture with any man before and I wanted his. Ours. We were still in bed and I had grabbed my phone and taken a picture of us just as we were.
“That’s the only thing I kept from our time together.”
We locked eyes.
“It used to make me really sad when I looked at it. I kept it hidden under my mattress. When you found me on the island, we moved forward that day. That night I pulled it out for the first time since I put it there when I moved. I kept that photo because it was the first time I had ever made love and that’s why it made me sad to look at it. When I looked at it that night, it made me smile…I thought maybe I hadn’t imagined it all and we really did share something.”
His eyes were wide with shock and grief.
“I want you to have it,” I added, trying to hold back the tears.
I had never felt more vulnerable and exposed than I did in that moment.
“I believe everything you say about you loving me since day one. The look on your face now is the same look you gave me then, I just didn’t realize it. I wracked my brain for weeks trying to think about what to get you for Christmas. You have everything. So I figured I’d give you the truth.” I paused; his intense stare was agonizing. “Sebastian, please say something.”
He looked back down at the picture, like he was envisioning everything I had just shared. When his piercing stare caught mine again, there was more emotion than I had ever seen before and he looked deep into my eyes.
“Marry me.”
It wasn’t a question. My eyes widened and my hand went to my mouth, shocked.
I couldn’t believe what just happened. She kept the picture of the first night we shared together. I remembered that morning as if it were yesterday, her taking the picture and me going through her phone, realizing that I was the only man on it. I knew it was the first time she had ever made love to someone and I had no business taking that from her. It didn’t stop me, though.
I wanted to be her first. To know that we shared so
mething that she hadn’t with anyone else. I needed to own her in a way that no other man ever had the privilege of claiming.
Mine.
“I believe everything you say about you loving me since day one. The look on your face now is the same look you gave me then, I just didn’t realize it. I wracked my brain for weeks trying to think about what to get you for Christmas. You have everything. So I figured I’d give you the truth.” She hesitated. Her glossy eyes and words almost brought me to tears.
“Sebastian, please say something.”
I didn’t think and I just reacted on pure impulse.
“Marry me.”
Her eyes widened and I heard a slight gasp as her hand covered her mouth.
“Ysa, you’re it for me. You always have been. Marry me and make me the happiest man on this earth. Be my wife and the mother of my future children.”
She hadn’t moved or made a sound. I wanted to keep my eyes on her, but the small shadow in the corner caught my eyes before I ever heard him.
“NO!” Christian screamed, making Ysabelle jolt and turn. “She’s not my mom! She will never be my mom!” His stare moved from me to her and it was like everything progressed in slow motion. “You will never be my mom! I hate you! You ruined my family! I heard…I heard my mom tell my grandmother that you’re a whore! That you broke up my family! That it’s all your fault! You’re a bad person! I hate you so much! Do you hear me? I hate you!” he screamed and then ran back inside.
“Fuck!” I shouted, jumping out of the hot tub and grabbing my towel. “Ysa,” I called out to no avail. She sat there, motionless and in shock.
“Ysabelle!” I yelled.
She shook her head in a daze and looked at me.
“I’m going to go talk to him. Are you okay?”
“Yeah…yeah….I’m fine…go,” she said, barely above a whisper.
“I love you. Ysabelle, do you hear me? I love you; this doesn’t change anything. Do you understand?”
She barely nodded.
“Ysa, tell me you understand.”
She blinked a few times, taking in my words.
“I understand,” she said with no emotion whatsoever.