“Calm down there, killer. This isn’t about me, fuck-face. But since you brought it up... I have fucked up in every way possible, but at the end of the day, when push came to fucking shove, I’m man enough to go crawling back to her on my own motherfucking knees. I didn’t get to have no pity-fucking-party. Therefore, take that princess crown off your head and start acting like a man.”
“Fuck!” The other bar patrons don’t even bat an eyelash at my outburst. The music from the jukebox is far too loud, that, and they are used to a scuffle or two taking place in this bar.
“Now, I must ask… what is it you did?” The look on Eli’s face makes my stomach flip. I’m exhausted and so fucking disappointed in myself. How can I behave this way?
“I got home yesterday. James came and picked up Gia, and Amara was acting strangely. I mean super fucking strange, and then she spilled the beans on what is bothering her.” I pause. “I was so fucking taken aback by her words that I allowed them to eat away at me the past twenty-four hours.” Anger is on the verge of splitting me in two. I’m like a volcano ready to erupt at any point in time. There would be no warning or mercy to those in the way of my destruction.
“Well, what’s bothering her?” Of course, Eli asks the hardest question of them all.
“She wants the darkness back. She wants less normal and more bad.” My voice aches, as does my heart as I say the words. Her admission made me question everything that made us who we are. The solid foundation of our relationship now relied on me and one single choice.
Eli’s eyes grow wide, filling with shock. “When you say bad, do you mean the old you? The look-at-me-like-that-again-and-I’ll-remove-your-eyeball Lorenzo?” A smidge of amusement lingers within me.
“Yes. The person who didn’t give two fucks about taking someone’s life. The person who would sit there and watch someone bleed out because it fed the monster inside of me. The dangerous man, full of chaos. She wants that part of me back. She feels like we are whole when I’m that person. I feel like I need to be focused on being a husband and a father. I need to be driving a minivan and shit, not having a shootout with a rival family.” I’m spilling my heart out to another man. I’m pretty sure if I hadn’t turned into a pussy a long time ago, this moment right here solidified it.
“Wow…ah, okay,” he mumbles. “Well…” He seems to be at a loss for words.
“Yeah, so now you know exactly how I reacted to it. I love her, and I feel like I can give her exactly what she wants without pushing my own boundaries… But she won’t stop.” I grip at the edges of my short hair. “She won’t let it go. She pushes and pushes, and eventually, I’m going to fucking snap. Eventually, I’m going to do something I know I will regret.” I feel Eli’s hand land on my shoulder. He is trying to comfort me in the best way possible.
“I wish I knew what to tell you, but only you know for sure what to do. If being the person you used to be makes your marriage whole, isn’t it worth it? Can’t you be a better man while still being the same asshole you used to be?” Eli’s tone causes me to want to lurch across the room and pound my fists against the brick wall again. I hate being wrong, I hate making the wrong choice, and I hate hurting my wife.
“I just don’t want to open up that darkness again. I can’t open the door a little bit and not expect the person I was before not to want to come out completely. I put him away for a reason. In this life, the one I currently live in, he has no place.”
Eli stares at me intently before standing. “What you need isn’t anything you can find here. The most expensive drink you will ever need is sitting at home in your bed, waiting for you. You know what you should do. You’re afraid, and it’s understandable. Just remember, everyone has a fear they have to push through.” He winks at me, takes a step back, then turns and walks away. Where does he think he is going?
“What the fuck? You’re using my own words on me now?” I fumble with the words as I try to make sense out of his non-advice. He stops dead in his tracks, turning around and coming back over to me.
“Look deep inside yourself, and you will find the answer you so desperately seek.” His face is impassive as if he expects me to get what he is saying without further explanation.