The memory of me wrapped around him, my center pushed up against him, feeling how hard and big he was beneath the layers of clothes….
I clear my throat. “Um… yeah. Okay. Sounds good.” I nod, giving in just to fill the silence. And I find I actually agree with him. At least it would give me something to do besides clean an already immaculate house and hold full-on conversations with a dog who I swear actually understands what I’m saying.
When I see we’ve gotten here a little early and the room is still dark inside through the glass doors, I look around and see a bench nearby, so I take a seat, Neil sitting down next to me. For some reason, I find myself wanting… no needing to open up to him. It all comes out like word vomit, and as embarrassing as it is, it’s also cathartic.
“Brandon didn’t let me exercise. He made me stop dancing, and then when he saw I didn’t gain any weight from stopping, he told me I had no reason to go to a gym or run around the neighborhood or anything. I lost all my muscle I’d spent my entire childhood and teenage years building while dancing, but I didn’t ‘get fat’ as he said. The one time he came home and saw I was doing a yoga video, he flew into a rage, wondering who I was trying to look sexy for, and he… um. He…. Let’s just say he re-marked his property.” I push my hair behind my ear, not meeting Neil’s eyes but feeling the tremble of barely contained wrath beneath his skin, where his knee presses to mine on the bench. “That was the last time I did any type of exercise besides just like… dancing around the house while I’m cleaning.” I shake my head, a little self-deprecating laugh escaping from my lips.
He reaches over and takes my hand from where I’ve got a death grip on my thigh, holding it between his much, much bigger palms. “I’m so proud of you, Astrid. This is going to do wonders for your health, physical and mental, if you’ll just come. That’s all you have to do. Force yourself to come to the gym; that’s all it will take to be that first step toward healing. And once you’re here, once you’re already in the building, you’ll think to yourself ‘Well, I’m already here,’ and the rest will just fall into place. The biggest struggle for most people getting started with an exercise routine is just getting up off the couch to do it. But then if you make it part of your daily schedule, after a while, it’ll feel like something is missing if you don’t do it.”
I nod in understanding. “I get that. When I danced, I had classes four times a week. And even when I’d only miss one lesson, it threw my whole world out of balance.”
He squeezes my hand. “It takes anywhere from eighteen to two hundred and fifty-four days for a person to form a new habit. But on average, it takes sixty-six days for a response to become automatic. That’s it. In just a little over two months, coming to this gym will just be a part of life that you won’t even have to struggle with. Can you just promise me to keep that in mind? And I’ll promise to keep you motivated. Even if I have to come embarrass myself in front of an entire roomful of people.”
I do look at him then, and his laser-blue eyes are twinkling at me. How could I possibly say no to that? “I promise,” I whisper, and the sound of people approaching behind me is the only thing that pulls me away from his penetrating gaze.
“Doc!” a girl who is clearly the instructor, judging by the T-shirt embroidered with the gym’s name and logo, the headset she’s carrying in one hand, and the set of keys she has in the other that she uses to unlock the glass room in front of us. Aren’t there like… child labor laws in this state? She looks twelve. Tiny, with an amazing tan, and a super short dark pixie cut hidden beneath a black beanie. “What are you doing here and not over on the manly machines?” she prompts, deepening her voice and puffing out her chest when she says manly. I feel one corner of my lips lift at her teasing him, when he could so easily smush her like a bug.
“My girl wanted to try out a barre class for the first time, and I promised her I’d come with her, so here I am,” he replies, and I feel my whole body flame when he calls me his girl. I want to correct him, but as my eyes turn toward the other women who followed the instructor—Destinee, I recall—down the hallway to the Group Exercise room, all of them fit and beautiful in different matching sets of sexy sports bras and leggings that leave nothing to the imagination, each and every one looking him up and down and eye-fucking him as he stands from the bench…