“What did you hear, Sydney?”
I swallowed. “He was just… he was so angry when I asked him questions. I wanted to know how that was the only room in the whole distillery that burned, how your dad was the only one who died. And I didn’t understand it being caused by a cigarette, you know? I mean, was he sleeping? Or so focused on something that he didn’t see it catch fire? And when it did, wouldn’t he have fled the room? Like… was it locked?”
“These are all the questions my family and I have plagued ourselves with for years. For an entire decade.”
“I know,” I said, and my voice was strangled with emotion. “And… Jordan, I swear I heard him on that phone call… I heard him say something about homicide.”
Jordan’s face washed over, all emotion gone before his nostrils flared and he scowled hard. “You heard that?”
“I think… No, I mean, I know I did. Yes.”
For a long moment, he was quiet, and I wondered if he was angry with me. But then, he smiled, shaking his head as he released my hands to run his back through his hair.
“Sydney… do you know what this means? We have something. We have my dad’s entry, and now, your testimony. This is it. We can get a lawyer, we can—”
“Testimony?” I echoed, already shaking my head. “Jordan, I can’t… I can’t testify against Randy.”
Jordan’s frown grew. “Why the hell not?”
“You know why,” I told him. “You know how he is, how he’s controlled me, the hell he’s put me through even after our divorce.”
“He doesn’t own you.”
“He might as well!” I argued back, fear crippling me in a completely new way now. “Look, I told you what I told you so you can have reassurance, so you and your family can hold onto that and… and… I don’t know, work with a lawyer to find out more. But, I can’t testify.”
“But, it’s the right thing to do. You have to!”
“I can’t!” We both looked around, lowering our voices again. “What about Paige, huh? You know she comes first in my life. How could you even ask me to do this?” I shook my head. “He is a white male in a position of power, Jordan. The goddamn Chief of Police,” I reminded him. “Do you not see how at his mercy I am? How he could turn this story around on me in a snap, make it look like I’m crazy, like I’m an unfit mother and take my daughter from me forever?”
Jordan opened his mouth to argue but I stopped him.
“And even if it somehow works, we go to court and I testify and the judge rules in our favor. Then what? Randy goes to jail for life, and Paige has no father?”
Jordan’s mouth closed again at that.
“Don’t you see how complicated this is?”
“If he goes to jail, it’s because he deserves to. And Paige is strong enough to understand what’s right and what’s wrong.”
I scoff. “That’s a very naïvely simple way to put this situation.”
He gawked at me incredulously. “It is simple — right or wrong. There is no in-between.”
My bottom lip trembled as I tore my gaze from him, crossing my arms over my racing heart. He didn’t understand. He didn’t feel every motherly warning going off in my body, every cell of my existence flying into self-preservation and survival mode at the thought of confronting Randy with this.
“You know, I don’t know why I’m surprised,” Jordan said, standing and turning his back to me. “If there’s any risk involved, you’re out, right? Just like with us. We can be a team in secret, fuck in secret, love in secret, but when I need you to be my teammate for real, it’s too much, isn’t it?”
He turned on me then, and I shrank under his hard gaze.
“It’s okay for me to sacrifice, for me to give, for me to put my values on hold in order to be what you need. But when I need you, and you have something to lose, suddenly, you don’t want to play?”
My nose stung, and tears blurred the details of his face. “That’s not fair.”
“Maybe not, but it’s the truth.”
I shook my head, and Jordan dropped back to the bench, grabbing both of my hands in his and pulling me forward desperately — into him, into us.
“I need you right now, Sydney.” His eyes flicked back and forth between mine as a tear slipped free and rolled down my hot cheek. “Please.”
Moments before, I’d been ready to look into those eyes watching me and tell this man I loved him. It was all I could think about all day long.
Now, my body warned me of a threat, of danger for myself and my daughter, too.
And those two emotions went to battle inside me, breaking down everything in their path to fight for who would win out.