Round and round and round these thoughts went in my head, all weekend long, like a carousel of torture that ran on its victims screams — of which there were plenty. Even working through more of Dad’s journal entries hadn’t distracted me from what I’d done and what it would mean.
And all along, I’d been dreading this very moment — when we’d have to be at work together, and it wouldn’t be the same as it was when we worked together just three days ago.
Another heavy sigh racked my chest as I tried to soothe my anxiety with a deep breath, and at that very moment, my office door swung open and slammed shut again before Sydney plopped her ass down in the chair on the opposite side of my desk.
“Alright,” she said, tying her hair up in a knot on her head before her eyes locked on mine. “Let’s get this awkward conversation out of the way now, shall we?”
It was unfortunate that I’d just exhaled instead of inhaled, because I held my breath from the moment she sat down, waiting for her to continue.
“So, we kissed,” she said, as if we were discussing a player who got hurt on the team and what to do about it instead of everything I’d worried about for the past forty-eight hours. “I think we can both agree that we were tired, it’d been a long day, we had been drinking and we were talking about some pretty heavy things and neither of us were thinking clearly.”
I kept my mouth shut, because while I could agree with some of that, I didn’t agree with the last part.
I was thinking very clearly when I pressed my lips to hers.
“The first thing I want to address is…” She paused, rolling her lips together. Her eyes that had been so fiercely on mine fell to something on my desk — an object serving as a focal point, I imagined. “I just don’t want you to think that you did anything wrong, because you didn’t. I…” She swallowed. “I also took part in what happened, and it was not one-sided or anything.”
Her eyes flicked to mine, but they didn’t stay there long.
“That being said, I have a lot on my plate right now with my recent divorce, and with Paige, and I just…” She sat a little straighter, finally looking at me again. “Frankly, I do not have the capacity to be… like that… with anyone right now. And I think we both agree that even if I did, it shouldn’t be my boss. I know there are no written rules or anything, but you and I both know that I can’t… we can’t…”
I remained silent, though I was very aware of how tight my chest was at those words.
“Anyway, I wanted to come directly to your office this afternoon so we could just put this all behind us. What do you think?”
My eyes bulged, because it was my time to speak and I hadn’t even breathed since she’d walked into my office.
I started there, inhaling a stiff breath before I nodded, schooling my features. “Yes. Of course, totally.”
“So, we’re in agreement, then?” she asked. “We can just pretend like it never happened?”
“Like what never happened?”
Her jaw dropped a little, but then she let out a relieved sigh on a smile when she realized what I’d done. “Exactly.”
I faked my best smile in return while my stomach continued to tie itself into knots. But, the longer I watched her, the more I knew I had to say. “Sydney… I really am sorry.”
She held up her hand quickly. “Please, don’t. You don’t need to apologize. It never happened. Okay?”
I frowned, but nodded, nonetheless.
“Does this mean…” I started, but then paused, reframing what I wanted to ask. “I was hoping… just because I know she was excited about it, and I don’t want her to think I bailed on her or anything… would it be okay if I still worked with Paige from time to time?” I held up my hands. “Not all the time,” I clarified quickly. “Just… you know, whenever it works out. I just would love to keep working with her and help her get ready for camp next summer.”
Sydney smiled, letting out a long exhale that was calmer than any breath had been in that room since she walked into it. “Of course,” she said. “You’re always welcome.”
I returned her smile, and though there was still something new and uncomfortable that existed between us now, at least the conversation was had, and we could begin to put it all behind us.
My chest tightened again, as if it was protesting that I had just agreed to forget what was honestly the best kiss of my life, but I ignored it, standing instead.
“Welp, I’m going to go get these boys fired up for another week of practice.”