I tilted my head, confused.
“I was five. It was the summer before kindergarten. I don’t remember a lot, but I do remember that Noah was only a baby, one or so, and we went out to the lake with Mom and Dad. I was swimming with some other kids, and one of them pushed me into the water and was making fun of me. He asked me where my parents were so I could run and cry to them, and I pointed to where Mom and Dad were on the shore with Noah, and the kids all laughed. They said, ‘That can’t be your parents. They’re white!’”
My stomach knotted so tightly I placed a hand over my gut to soothe it.
Jordan just shrugged, wiping the sweat from his glass before he took a sip. “So, on the ride home, I asked Mom why I looked so different from her and Dad and Noah. And I’ll never forget that look they shared, the one that told me I’d missed something, that there was something being hidden from me.”
Jordan paused for a moment, and I took a sip of my old fashioned, waiting.
“They told me everything that night, and from that moment on, I understood. And it didn’t make me feel like any less a part of the family,” he clarified, but then his eyes found mine, the gray-ish blue that surrounded his brown iris glowing in the low light of my kitchen. “But, it did open a new door in my mind, one I didn’t even know existed. I realized I was theirs, but not really theirs. They were my mom and dad, but I had another mom and dad, too.”
I nodded in understanding.
“So, yeah. It opened a new door. And I’ve walked through that door frequently ever since that day, looking for answers that I know will never come.”
My heart ached with the desire to hug him.
It hit me so fiercely and unexpectedly that I nearly followed it. I uncrossed my legs and made to stand before I realized what I was doing and stopped myself, taking a deep breath, instead. There were no words to say in that moment — none that would be anything other than hot air to fill the space. So, I didn’t say a word. I just sat there with him and let him know he wasn’t alone.
“It’s strange, because I had a similar awakening when we camped when I was a teenager, too. Only that time, I had been hanging out with a brother and sister who were black. But, they treated me differently, like I didn’t actually belong with them.” His eyes found mine. “It’s like you were saying with Paige, and I’m sure you’ve been there, too. It’s like I’m stuck in this strange in-between of not being black enough, but not being white enough, either.”
I nodded, a grim understanding. “I know that feeling well.”
“I couldn’t have asked for a better family, though,” he said after a moment with a small smile. “I’m proud to be a Becker.”
I laughed softly. “You boys are as thick as thieves. Always have been. I think I’d heard of every single one of you before I even started my first day of school here.”
“Hey, to be fair, I’m usually the one wrangling those trouble-makers — especially Noah. Lord knows Ruby Grace couldn’t have come a moment sooner to settle that hothead down.”
The mood lightened with the mention of his brothers, and we chatted about each of them. A big part of me was curious about the fire that had taken his father’s life, but after having one already-heavy conversation, I skirted around my curiosity and stayed firmly in the friendly territory.
“Speaking of siblings, how’s Gabby doing?” Jordan asked after a while.
I smiled at the mention of my sister, who I knew would likely lose her mind if she knew Jordan was in my kitchen at this hour of the night. “She’s really good, loving the nursing life — though I’ll never understand it. She works all night, long hours, dealing with people who usually treat her like she’s a problem rather than a help.” I shook my head. “Makes me appreciate people who work in healthcare more.”
“Where’s she at now?”
“She and my parents are all in Austin,” I said, frowning as my finger traced the top of my glass. “Mom got a civilian job there working as an analyst, and I guess since we were all moving around together growing up, Sis just wanted to go with them.”
“You didn’t?”
I shrugged in lieu of an answer, my heart screaming I did.
Jordan was quiet for a while before he asked, “Was it hard, moving around like that when you were younger?”
I tilted my head, considering. “Yes, and no,” I said honestly. “It was hard not staying in one place long enough to have real friends, but… my sister and I were so close, you know? And it always felt like an adventure, moving from place to place, always having something new to discover.”