“I mean, neither of us even really remembered it the next morning. Do you recall that? We laughed it off, promised not to tell anyone… it wasn’t serious.”
“Is there a point here?”
Erin blows out a slow breath. “Bear, we weren’t in a relationship. We still aren’t ready for a child, let alone back then. We’re just kids ourselves. And when I found out I was pregnant… I did come to you.”
“Bullshit.”
“Let me finish,” she says, holding up one hand. “I came to you, before I even took the test, actually. I wanted to do it together. I knew we could figure it out. But when I went to you… you were with Shawna.”
I frown, tracing back through my memory for what she could possibly be talking about. “I don’t understand.”
Erin takes all her hair and wraps it over one shoulder, taking a deep breath. “I went back to your room, and I was knocking but you didn’t answer, and when I walked in… I didn’t know her at the time, but you and Shawna were…” She swallows. “Indisposed.”
My gaze hardens.
“And, I don’t know, Bear. I just, I felt so fucking silly. Like, we had a one-night stand, and I expected you to hold my hand while I peed on a stick? I mean, these were my exact thoughts.” She shakes her head. “I felt like a fool. How could I expect that of you, of anyone in college?”
I take another pull of my beer in lieu of answering.
“Anyway, so I took the test alone, and… well… obviously, I was pregnant. But I lied to Jess, who was the only one who even knew I was suspicious about being pregnant. I told her it was a stomach flu. And then…”
She doesn’t finish, and I squeeze the glass so hard in my hand, I wonder if I can break it like the Hulk.
Erin’s expression softens, and she reaches forward, wrapping her hand around my wrist before I can flinch away. As soon as I feel her warmth, something inside me cracks, and emotion stings my nose, but I fight it back.
“I am so sorry, Bear,” she says, her eyes glossing with tears. “I was a coward. I should have come to you. I know that now, but I also know it doesn’t change what I did. At the time, I thought it was the right thing to do. And I’m sorry I didn’t include you in the decision, but… it was my body. And ultimately, it was my choice.”
I shake my head, tearing back from her grasp. “I know it was your choice. And I would have supported it, Ex — even more so if you would have just fucking told me.”
She breaks at my words, swiping at the tears streaming down her cheeks furiously. “I know that now. I didn’t know that then, but I do now. I know that you were the one who saw I wasn’t okay before anyone else. I know that you were the one who saved me when Landon…” Her voice breaks, and another zip of pain splits my chest open. “When he raped me, when his brothers stole every ounce of innocence I had, you were there. You saved me. You kept my secret even when I knew it killed you.” She rolls her lips together, more tears tumbling over her cheeks. “You are the most amazing man I know, and you are my best friend. And I am so sorry I hurt you.”
Every muscle in my jaw is tight and burning as I fight off the emotion strangling my throat. I just shake my head, over and over, gaze lost in the distance before I finally pull my eyes back to hers.
“Listen. I know you’re going to therapy, and I’m really fucking glad you are. Okay? I want you to be okay. I do,” I say, and I mean it. “I also know that you’re sorry,” I continue, forcing a breath. “But that doesn’t mean I have to forgive you. So, don’t expect me to.”
“Bear,” her voice cracks, and she reaches for me again, but I’m already up out of my chair, abandoning my napkin on the table, as well as what’s left of my beer.
“Excuse me,” I murmur, and then I’m gone, out of the restaurant and in the first campus cab I see.
My heart is thundering in my chest as the car carries me to the other side of campus, and then I’m on Becca’s doorstep, and as soon as she opens the door and sees me, she invites me in, wrapping me in a warm hug that I completely collapse into.
I’m not sure how long she holds me, how long I have to use every ounce of willpower I have to fight off the tears my body is desperate to let free, but eventually, she grabs me by the hand and pulls me back to her room. Her dorm mate doesn’t seem to be around, which I’m thankful for as she closes the door behind us.