“So back to your Area 51,” I say to Charlene as Toronto take the ice.
“Which is what exactly?”
I lower my voice. “Your bum.”
“Bum?”
“Yeah, bum.”
“Who even says that?”
“Alex. It’s a Canadian thing. Like beavers are vaginas, bum is a nicer word for ass. Unless you prefer fudge machine.”
“Bum it is.” Charlene tips her beer back.
“So?”
“So what?”
“Darren has access to your Area 51?” It’s cold in the arena, so I can’t be sure, because her cheeks are already pink, but she may be blushing. “Charlene?”
“Did Alex say something?”
“Why would Alex know about access to your Area 51?”
The top of her beer is suddenly very interesting. “You know how guys talk.”
I sure do. But I have a feeling Charlene and I are way worse than Alex and Darren could ever be. Or at least I am. It takes a few seconds for what she’s not saying to really sink in. “Wait a second! That means Darren does have Area 51 access?”
“Shh!” Charlene smacks my arm and looks around.
A few people are looking at us, but they don’t know what we’re talking about. I lower my voice, “How does that even work? I mean, isn’t he equipped? How does it even fit?”
“Skin stretches, Violet.”
“Not that much.” I put my beer between my knees and wrap my fingers around my wrist to demonstrate.
“Darren isn’t quite so girthy, but yes, essentially.”
I gape at her, slack-jawed, because seriously, that’s insane.
“Honestly, Vi, it’s not that big a deal. I don’t know why you’re so uptight about it.” She snickers and glances around before leaning in and lowering her voice to a whisper, “Hasn’t Alex ever tickled your chocolate starfish?”
I’m taking a sip of my beer when she says this, so I spit-spray it all over the plexiglas—and her. Char uses my scarf to wipe her face, and I fake cough to cover up my accident.
“I mean, sure, Alex has snuck a finger in my Access Denied hole. And yeah, it felt okay.” I pause and consider this for a moment. He did it once. Back when I lived in my apartment. It was some hot sex. I can feel the heat in my cheeks. “Well, maybe better than okay, but there’s a huge, massive difference between the size of his finger and his monster cock. I can’t imagine him ever getting that in there.”
She shrugs, unwilling to comment, possibly because we’re in a very public arena. That’s fine. I can carry on this conversation all by myself. Her facial expressions are the only answers I need.
“I don’t get the fascination. Why aren’t vaginas and mouths enough? Why do guys need to stick their dicks in all the holes, not just the ones they fit in easiest?”
“What are you two talking about?” my mom asks. Sidney’s still standing in the aisle, talking to some guy. I have no idea how long she’s been eavesdropping.
“Nothing!” Charlene glares at me.
My mom pats her hand and winks. “It’s okay, honey. You know, it’s totally natural to want to experiment with anal play.”
“Mom!”
She smiles and rolls her eyes like I’m a prude for not wanting my ass invaded.
“Now Sidney has a lot of package.” My mother gestures to her crotch. “But that doesn’t mean it’s impossible. It just takes a bit more work to make it happen.”
Charlene’s absolutely horrified, based on how wide her eyes are. She’s not going to forgive me anytime soon for this. I don’t think I’m going to forgive myself, either. This is probably the last thing I ever wanted to know about my mom and her sex life with Sidney. And I know a lot. More than any daughter should, that’s for sure.
“Thanks for that, Mom.”
She doesn’t take the hint to drop the conversation, which is likely where my censor-free gene comes from. Instead she keeps on talking, like it’s a normal thing to chat about with her adult daughter and my friend. “There are some really great lubricants out there, which help a lot. Not the numbing ones, but the relaxants. Right, Charlene?”
Charlene nods and takes a giant gulp of her beer.
“Wait. There are different kinds of lube? I mean, other than the regular stuff?”
Charlene lowers her beer and shoots hate beams out of her eyes at me.
“What? I know there’s stuff that’s fruity, and stuff that warms up, and stuff that has silicone, and stuff that’s water soluble,” I say, defending my lube knowledge.
“We should go sex-toy shopping!” my mom says.
Charlene grins. It’s horribly evil. “You’re right, Skye. We totally should. And we can bring Sunny and Lily along. It’ll be so much fun. We can do that for your bachelorette party, Vi, once you’ve picked a date for the wedding.”
“Oooh! That’s a great idea!” My mom claps.
“You’ve picked a date for the wedding?” Sunny asks, leaning over.
I scratch my nose with my middle finger at Charlene, who’s still wearing her evil smile. I turn to Sunny. “Not yet. We’re trying to figure out what works best.”