Charlene, being the amazing bestie she is, picks me up the next morning on the way to work. I expect a full inquisition about my weekend with Alex, which I’m prepared to share, but Charlene has had some excitement of her own.
“I have so much to tell you! Darren is amazing. I’ve already merged our faces to see what our babies would look like—you know there’s a website?” She pauses long enough to take a breath. “They’d be so pretty.”
“You’re kidding about the last part, right?”
“Um, no. Why? Is that weird? I did it for you, too.” Charlene drives through Starbucks for us. I’m grateful considering my level of exhaustion.
“No, Charlene, that’s not weird at all.” It is, but I want to see the pictures.
Charlene is very much a romantic. She dives head-first into every relationship. It’s common for her to tell me she’s in love after the first date. Two weeks later, she’s usually over it and moving on to the next guy. It’s why she doesn’t generally fall into bed with them right away; otherwise she’d have a pretty high running tally.
Charlene shares the details of her evening with Darren, including the size of his dick, on our drive to work.
“Wait a second—you had sex with him?”
“What? No! Of course not!”
“How do you know how big his wang is? Did he whip it out?”
“I wish. I grabbed his junk. Just to check—you know? I don’t want to waste his time or mine if he’s got a tiny winkie. Anyway, he was such a gentleman. If I hadn’t made a move, he probably would’ve kissed my cheek and been done with it. He has the softest lips, Vi. We must have made out for like, I don’t know, an hour?”
“Where did this epic make out session take place?”
“In my hotel room. It was just supposed to be a good-night kiss. I got carried away, and I felt him up. He wants to take me out for dinner next week. Maybe we can double date sometime.”
“That’d be great.” I won’t hold my breath, though, just in case Darren ends up in her discard pile.
“What about you? How was your weekend?”
“My weekend was good.”
“‘Good’? You spent the weekend with Alex and that’s all you have to say? What’s this I hear about you staying at his parents’? How was that?” She sucks in a huge breath. “Did you see childhood photos? Was he always super-hot? What’s the deal with his mom’s hair? It’s huge.”
This is more the line of questioning I expect. “It definitely has its own zip code. The childhood photos were epic. He was nerdy hot in high school.”
I expected things to be uncomfortable with Daisy after she caught Alex with his hand in my pants—and they were—but she was a lot nicer to me the next day. Much like my mom, Daisy’s into oversharing. I got to see Alex’s awkwardness up close in all his skating photos.
He was skinny and dorky and completely adorable. The spandex skating outfits were something else; Alex grew into his junk, not the other way around. I can see why the girls in high school would have been afraid of his trouser anaconda.The following evening, I rush home from work so I can shower and pack an overnight bag before Alex comes to get me. I open the door to discover Buck in my kitchen, raiding my fridge. I don’t know why he does this. It’s not as if I keep it fully stocked for hockey player style eating. I’ve got the basics covered, and that’s about it. Most of it is sugary crap, to be quite honest.
“Did they run out of food at Poon-central, or did you just get tired of eating the same thing over and over?”
He completely misses the barb. “I’ve never heard of that grocery store. Kind of a messed up name.”
“What are you doing here? Other than grocery shopping in my fridge.”
“I thought I’d stop by and see how your little holiday went. I’d like to thank you for scarring me for life with the locker room fuck-a-thon.” He finds the one healthy food item in my fridge—an overly large cucumber—and takes a massive bite.
“That’s disgusting.”
“No shit. Imagine how you’d feel if you walked in on me boning some chick.” He jabs the cucumber in my direction.
“I’m talking about the phallic vegetable you’re eating.”
“So you’d be fine walking in on me boning some chick?”
A chunk of chewed food flies out of his mouth and lands in his beard when he snorts. It looks like snot. He wipes it away and it lands on the floor.
“I don’t think that’s something you should joke about, considering the chick you’re currently boning is Alex’s little sister. I won’t stand in the way if Alex decides to kick the shit out of you.”