“Made even longer if you never start.”
“I moved out—”
“You fucking ran!” Noah shouted back. “You couldn’t face living here, surrounded by all her things and the memories. But instead of packing up her things and trying to move on with your life, you closed the door and left. Instead of grieving and dealing with the pain, you put everything on hold—”
“I didn’t…”
“You did! You know you did!” Noah shoved one hand violently through his hair, pushing it out of his eyes. “Look around you. It’s like you’re waiting for her to walk through that front door right now so you can pick up where you left off.”
“Fuck you! You don’t know what it’s like.”
“No, I don’t know what it’s like to lose someone you love to death. But I know what it’s like to lose someone you love.”
Rowe charged across the few feet separating them and grabbed the front of Noah’s coat, giving him a quick shake. “I had everything with her! Our life was perfect. And then in the blink of an eye, it was all gone. I didn’t get to say goodbye. Didn’t get to tell her that I loved her. Nothing. Just fucking gone. It’s not fair. I wasn’t ready…” Harsh sobs choked Rowe as his fists twisted in Noah’s coat.
Wrapping his arms tightly around him, Noah pulled Rowe in against his chest, tears spilling down his own cheeks as Rowe’s pain cut through him. He never wanted this for his friend. Rowe was a good man who deserved to be happy. He shouldn’t have lost his wife. Shouldn’t have been standing in a home that once held a lifetime of dreams but now just represented a life that would never be. There should have been barking dogs, summer cookouts, and the shouts of children echoing off walls smeared with little, careless handprints.
Rowe snuffled loudly as his crying stopped and his hands loosened where they clutched Noah’s coat. Noah closed his burning eyes, no longer able to look at the living room surrounding him. He’d been stupid to hope, to think that even for a second he had a shot with this man. Last night had been perfect. It felt like the start of something more, but when he opened his eyes, he saw the truth. For Rowe, there would only ever be room for Mel in his heart and the knowledge hurt so damn bad he could barely breathe. No matter how it felt like things were changing between them, Noah knew he was just going to be a quick fuck, a physical release.
“You’re right.”
Noah stiffened. Those were not the words he’d expected to hear out Rowe’s mouth. He froze, not sure what to say or what Rowe was even talking about. He just held him, his heart breaking for the man.
“I can’t let go. Every time I try…I just feel like I’m never going to be happy again, but I know she’d fucking smack me if she saw this. Mel would be so pissed that I didn’t pack up her stuff. That…that I hurt you.”
“Rowe…” His name rumbled up Noah’s throat in a rough moan, his hands tightening around Rowe’s bowed shoulders. He wanted to deny it, but it would have been a lie.
“I’m sorry. Never wanted to hurt you.”
“I know, but if you don’t try to move on, how will you ever find love again?”
Rowe released Noah and took a step backward, his sparkling green eyes staring wide and almost frightened at Noah. It was a word they’d never used, at least not seriously, but things had changed between them over the past couple weeks, and the word held a new weight to it. Noah swallowed hard and forced a smile on his lips that just wouldn’t stick. He could make a joke or turn his comment into something generic about moving on and being happy, but Noah was fucking tired of bottling things up when it came to this man.
“You can’t really be surprised,” Noah said. He swallowed again against the lump in his throat that was making it nearly impossible to talk, but he had to finally say the words or risk drowning. “Yeah, I love you. I fell in love with you years ago, but I told myself that it wasn’t real because I knew you could never love me back the same way. You’re insane, protective, and have the biggest fucking heart I’ve ever seen. I came here convinced I could handle just being your friend and that it hadn’t actually been love.” Noah laughed, pressing the heels of his palms into his eyes so he didn’t have to look at Rowe’s face any longer. “Man, I was so fucking wrong. Getting to know the person you’ve become screwed me. I live for your smile and your laugh. I love you even though you never clean up the jelly you smear on the counter every time you make a PB&J. I love that you use different voices for each of the dogs when you’re talking to them and I don’t think you even notice.”