“Fuck!” Rowe yelled as he thrust a couple more times before going rigid as he released inside Noah. “So hot. So damn hot.” He collapsed onto Noah, kissing him over and over. “I had no idea it would feel like that. You felt…fuck, that felt incredible.” He pulled back, breathing hard, his expression suddenly serious. “You’re good?”
Noah gave him a slow, sleepy grin. “More than good.”
When Rowe sat up, obviously intending to start the cleanup, Noah shook his head and reached into his duffle for a T-shirt. He used it to wipe himself up, watching as Rowe tied off the condom. He stuck it in the shirt, dropped both on the floor and held out his arm. “Come back.”
Rowe laid back against him and Noah couldn’t stop himself from burying his mouth in that soft, red hair. He held him close and thought about what they should talk about but the exhaustion from his sleepless night before—from the months of accumulated fatigue—hit him and he tightened his arm around Rowe. Right before he dropped off, he felt Rowe leave a kiss on his jaw and climb out of the bed.
That woke him up. He pretended to sleep and watched through slitted eyes as Rowe picked up his boxers, stared down at him for a few moments before he walked around to turn off the lamp.
The stark confusion in his expression kept Noah up for hours again.###
Daisy waited outside Noah’s door and followed Rowe as he walked to his room and pulled on jeans and a sweatshirt. He found the Rottweilers passed out in the living room, so he snagged a warm throw blanket and quietly let Daisy outside with him. She seemed content to sit beside him, so he didn’t bother throwing her ball. Instead he wrapped the blanket around his shoulders, sat in a lawn chair, and stared at the stars.
His mind was blown.
That had been incredible. Everything they did together was. Just like it had been before. And he’d attributed it to being drunk and excited over the newness of feeling a man’s mouth around his dick. But it hadn’t been. Rowe was into this and he wasn’t an idiot. It had everything to do with the man. Not just any man would make him feel this way. What he’d felt for Noah all those years ago had been strong and he’d just walked away from him, then later set those feelings aside, perfectly happy while with his wife.
He missed her. So fucking much. Rubbing a hand over the pain in his chest, he shut his eyes and he could see her smiling at him as clearly as if it had just happened a second ago and not nearly a year. He did feel guilt for enjoying himself so much with Noah. Couldn’t help it. But it wasn’t the searing kind he’d expected and it was that more than anything else that kept making him crawl out of the warm bed with Noah. He felt like he should feel guiltier, but the emotions tearing him up had a lot more to do with an older guilt—for walking away from Noah. And then…there was the fear. Fear of getting close again. Opening himself up to that possibility of loss again.
He thought of Melissa and how she’d react to his situation. She’d be eager to hear everything that he’d experienced, everything that he’d felt. She’d lean forward, that wide grin splitting her beautiful face. Laughter filling her eyes. She’d prod him for all the dirty details and tease him when he finally blushed. They’d shared everything—the good and the terrible—over the years and it just seemed cruel that she wasn’t there with him at that moment so she could hear about Noah. And as twisted as it sounded, he felt like she’d understand.
She could help him make sense of the emotions blowing his mind that had nothing at all to do with regret and everything to do with shock. And hard realizations. He liked being with Noah. No, he loved it.
But that kiss on his shoulder. It had been so tender and something Mel had done often when he’d been hurt on the job. He’d had a flash of loving Noah and losing him, too. Because it had felt so good being inside the man, he’d been able to shove that feeling aside, but it had hit him hard as Noah fell asleep—his strong arm wrapped tightly around Rowe.
He didn’t know what to think or if what he was doing was making everything worse. All he knew for sure was that if Noah stayed, he would never be able to keep his hands off him. And that he was terrified to love him.
With his elbows on his knees, Rowe dropped his head into his hands and squeezed his burning eyes shut. “What the hell am I doing, Mel?”