"Oh, what the fuck," I hissed as I moved just inside the doorway to her bedroom.
"What?" Auggie asked, turning, giving me drawn-together brows.
While she held a giant goddamn snake.
"Did you leave your window open or something?" I asked, taking a step back.
"And the snake scaled the building to the second floor, climbed in, and decided to take a nap on my laptop?" she asked, rolling her eyes at me as the snake wrapped itself around her arm.
"This is fucking Florida, babe. Iguanas fall from trees. Alligators eat dogs. I wouldn't put breaking and entering past one of those fucking abominations."
"You're scared of snakes?" she asked, untangling the massive thing that put the ones Rey had to shame. "That's kind of, I don't know, cute."
"I'm not afraid of them," I objected.
"No?" she asked, moving closer, holding out the snake. "Prove it. Give her a snuggle."
"Who snuggles snakes? Do you snuggle tarantulas too? Cockroaches? What the fuck would possess you to get one of those things instead of a cat or dog or hamster?"
"I actually stole her."
"You stole her," I repeated, brows drawing together. "From the pet store?"
"From some guy. He had a party at his place. And this sweet girl was living in a plastic container with no water and hardly any light. She was emaciated. People like that shouldn't be allowed to keep animals. I had to take her. She fit right into my purse. I like cats and dogs and hamsters too. But this lady needed me. So she's been with me for about two years. I don't know how old she was before me. Her name is Petunia."
"Petunia," I repeated, feeling my lips curve up.
"Come on. Hold her. They feel really cool."
"Yeah, no, babe. You can put that thing right back in its enclosure."
"Chickenshit," she said, smirking as she moved closer still, arms—and snake—outstretched.
"Fuck off," I demanded, retreating another step. Then another.
The next thing I knew, she was chasing me through her goddamn apartment with a fucking snake.
"Shit—" she shrieked, her foot catching the edge of the coffee table, her body falling forward.
My arms shot out, snagging her around the waist, catching her before she hit the ground, pulling her back up.
Now, did this woman sigh in relief, thank me for saving her from cracking her face off the floor?
No.
No, of course she did not.
Nope.
She took the opportunity to toss Petunia around my neck.
"Not funny, Auggie. Get her off," I demanded, shoulders inching up as the snake slithered down my chest, stomach, aiming lower.
"Petunia! I know that is where the goods are, but no means no," she declared, moving to grab her pet, winding it around her arm. "See? Was that so bad?"
"Yes."
"Oh. Well... exposure therapy then. Phobias are bad for you and all that jazz."
"Do you have any fear, Auggie?" I asked, having a hard time picturing her being scared of anything. She lived so fearlessly.
"I'm pretty terrified of letting any beauty salon cut my hair," she declared, shrugging. "When I was twelve, I went in for this really trendy short haircut. I brought in a reference photo and everything. And they butchered me."
"I'm sure it wasn't that bad. Face like that, babe, you could pull off anything."
"Yeah?" she asked, going into her coffee table, pulling out a photo album, flipping through, producing a picture.
Of a young Auggie.
With a goddamn bowl cut.
Good bone structure or not, it was rough.
"Alright. I see what you mean," I agreed, smiling.
"The worst part was my school wouldn't let me wear a hat or a scarf or anything on my head while it grew back in. I had to go in there every day looking like that. For over a year before it was long enough for me to be able to pull it up. I was scarred for life. Now the only person who cuts my hair is me."
"I meant a real fear, babe."
"Oh, it is real. But, I mean, I think everyone is mildly afraid of a lot of the same things. Car accidents, serious illnesses, dying, strange men in dark alleys. Aside from those, not really. I had very little supervision as a kid. I was reckless because there was no one there to tell me to be careful, to be afraid of the consequences. So I never really developed that fear."
"A blessing and a curse. That's what my mother would call that."
"She wouldn't be wrong," Auggie surprised me by admitting.
"Gotten close sometimes, huh?" I asked, seeing a hint of vulnerability in her that I hadn't seen before.
"You could say that."
"How close?"
"Close." Just as quickly as that vulnerability appeared, it was gone. "But life isn't interesting if it is always perfectly safe. Okay. I am going to shower now. I will make sure Petunia is secure," she added, rolling her eyes at me as she made her way down the hall.