I had been so used to moving around, to new cities, new countries, new missions, new faces, new experiences.
The day all that got ripped away from me tossed me into the darkest pit I had ever known.
Because, well, what the fuck was I without that life? The thing I had devoted everything to?
It took a long time to feel like getting burned wasn't the worst thing that happened to me, that never having a chance to work for my country again wasn't cripplingly depressing.
Starting over in my homeland had felt oddly like being tossed into a foreign country with no way to translate anything. Combine that with the fact that when you are burned, all your assets get frozen, and you have no history of employment, well, yeah, shit got complicated. Got hard.
It was sheer dumb luck to end up in Navesink Bank around the same time they were having an open house for new members.
"Christ," I mumbled, raking a hand down my beard. Sometimes it felt like a lifetime ago, sometimes just days. The reality was a few years.
But the longest time I had ever been in the same place by far.
And a good chunk of that time had been spent up in this room all alone, pulling all the guard shifts because I was going to do it anyway.
I was trained for it anyway.
It didn't bother me as much as it would bother someone like West who had to constantly be moving, or someone like Colson who had a little kid to worry about reading bedtime stories to, and being there if a bad dream woke her up at night. And Cam, well, he was more of a morning person.
That said, it was starting to get to me, wear on me. All this time with no indication whatsoever that my gut was right.
I was starting to second-guess it, question if maybe after being out of practice for so long, my gut was starting to get rusty. It wouldn't be wholly unheard of. Over the years, I had been in contact with a few washouts from my old life, people so far removed from the life that they didn't realize they had a tail when they came to meet me for coffee.
I prayed to fuck I never got that damn incompetent.
But still, a man had to wonder.
I watched out the glass as Liv and Roderick emerged from the clubhouse, Roderick's hand giving Liv's ass a squeeze that made her turn back, smile wicked as she led him to his bike.
I'd bet they wouldn't even make it to the restaurant. Or if they did, they'd both be sneaking off to the bathroom.
I tried to imagine that light, happy sensation, but came up empty. I wouldn't even be sure if I could recognize it if it came. My life had always had purpose, had meaning, things that gave me fulfillment, pride. But I wasn't sure if you could call it happiness.
That being said, happiness wasn't something everyone strived for, and even fewer got.
Though, as a whole, I seemed to be surrounded by it.
The carefree joy of single-dom for the young guys, followed by the deep contentedness of finding their other half.
There was strife, sure, hard times. You could still catch Reign and Summer staring at some of the kids as they aged up, a deep longing there, for the daughter they lost to circumstance and distance and, well, stubbornness, even after the years kept passing. You could see it in Lo and Cash as something would set off Chris no matter how much help she had gotten to try to overcome what had been done to her.
But even with the undercurrents of life stresses, I was mostly surrounded by happiness and solid foundations.
It was enough that, in weak moments, I craved it for myself.
A woman, a future, some sliver of joy.
My gaze caught the tail lights as Roderick and Livianna pulled up to the gates, waiting for Lo's people who flanked either side with AKs strapped to their chests to open it to let them pass.
It was a quiet night at the compound. Half the brothers were on a drop. Most of the others were home with their loved ones. Roderick was supposed to be here with me, as was Colson. But Jelly had come down with the flu, sending Colson home to nurse her, and, well, no one could deny Roderick a chance to enjoy his anniversary.
Everything was quiet in Navesink Bank, after all. Well, as quiet as anything in Navesink Bank could be anyway.
And Lo's crew was more trained than almost anyone in the club.
The hours stretched long, the night getting late.
It wasn't until sometime after midnight that Lo's guys seemed to see something off down the road, something that pulled all their attention, even making them move a few feet from their guard station, something that had me shooting up in my chair, moving over toward the window, trying to see what they were seeing.