"Then what?" she asked, terrified she knew the answer.
"Marriage is about mutual trust, Vicki. Mutual support. It's a partnership, but you're only willing to embrace the pieces of that partnership that suit you. It's easy for you to focus on helping me confront my scars. That way, you don't have to look at your own."
Vicki couldn't speak. Word after word, Caleb was destroying the tools of survival that had helped her grow up without a mother and father, without any loving attention.
"You ask me about my family but when have you ever spoken about yours? Last year, Danica came to visit and you cried for a week after she left but you wouldn't tell me why." His voice broke. "Do you think I don't know how much you keep inside? How much you bury so you won't have to admit you were hurt?"
A sob caught in the back of her throat. "Am I that weak?" she whispered. "That scared of dealing with the past?" Her hands lifted to her mouth.
The agony in Vicki's eyes devastated Caleb. Guilt awakened but he wasn't willing to retreat. This was the closest she'd ever come to speaking about her secrets. "You're not weak." Crossing the distance that had separated them during the course of the argument, he drew her hands away from her mouth.
"But I'm so afraid, Caleb. So terrified."
"Of what, sweetheart?" A fist was clenched around his heart, squeezing the life out of him. He was as much to blame as her for their situation. He'd helped her hide, helped her pull away from everything that might be too much, gone so far as to restrict his needs to what he thought she could handle.
Yes, sexually, they were starting to come into sync but what about emotionally? She remained so far from him, so wary of giving him everything. All the touches in the world couldn't hide the fact that she'd never once told him she loved him.
He used to whisper love words into her ear, but never had she said them back. This time, he wasn't going to lay his heart on the line. Not without her taking the same chance, which meant she had to break free from the past. "What are you afraid of?" he repeated when she remained silent.
"Of being thrown away again."
The almost inaudible words defused his anger. He tugged her to him and held her tightly. She wrapped her arms around his waist, shaking so hard he thought she might break. "Don't you ever be afraid of that." He ground out the words. "Ever. You hear me?"
She didn't answer, her fingers digging into his flesh. He kissed the top of her head, and tried to warm away the shivers racking her body.
"I will never walk away from you." His tone left no room for argument. "I keep my promises. And on our wedding day, I promised you forever."
She let out a choked whisper. "I n-never knew I was s-so afraid," she said against his chest. "I never wanted to see it. If I didn't look at that fear, I d-didn't have to think about my parents deserting me."
"They care for you in their own way." Having met both Gregory and Danica, he knew what he was talking about. "They're simply not good parent material."
"How could they leave me behind like that?" she asked, her voice broken. "Just leave me with Ada and drive away to new lives? Like I was an unwanted pet. How could they do that, Caleb?"
Tears threatened to clog Caleb's throat. He fought them with every ounce of strength he had, wishing he could fight Victoria's demons for her. But all he could do was hold her safe and let her release her anger, her pain, her sorrow.
After what seemed an eternity, she spoke again. "My mother used to call me her little angel. I remember sitting beside her vanity watching her put on makeup and thinking her the prettiest woman alive." Raw emotion layered every word. "She'd tell me that I'd grow up to be exactly like her and that when the time came, she'd show me how to make myself even prettier. Sometimes, she'd put a little nail polish on my toes and I'd feel like a grown-up."
He ran his hands down her hair, feeling it so soft against his skin, so delicate. Like Vicki's heart. A heart that had been trampled on, bruised.
"Then one day, she packed up my clothes, drove me to Ada's and waved goodbye. My father had already left months before. He'd never been that close to me so it didn't hurt as much, and after a while, I got used to it. I still had Mom and moms don't leave.
"For the longest time, I thought she was going to come back. I used to sit on the front steps waiting for her." Vicki pulled back a little and he allowed her space. When she raised her hands to wipe her cheeks, he shook his head and took over the job. Her lips trembled as she tried to smile.
"Sweetheart," he said, broken by the sight of her tear-streaked face. "Enough. It's enough." He hated himself for pushing her into this while hiding his own secrets. What kind of a coward did that to his wife, the woman he'd sworn to protect?
Instead of obeying, she touched his jaw in a tender caress. "Ada finally had enough. Two months in she told me that the w-whore wasn't coming back, that she was more concerned with spreading her legs for her new lover than she was with her child."
Caleb was so angry that his hands shook as he cupped her cheeks. "She's a bitter old woman who should never have been given the care of a child. Don't let her words poison your life."
Vicki's tentative calm seemed to fracture completely at his words. Giving a ragged cry, she struck at his chest with her fists. "But my mother left me with her! She knew exactly what Ada was like and still she left me behind. Sometimes I hate Mother so much I scare myself."
She collapsed. If he hadn't caught her, easing her down, she would've hit the floor hard. Tugging her into the V of his thighs, he held her as she cried angry, raw, wrenching sobs. They were so violent that he worried for the child in her womb.
In the aftermath, he'd learn whether she had any room in that bruised heart to take a chance on him.
* * *
Ten
« ^ »
Vicki woke to darkness. She blinked and moaned, realizing she was alone in the master bedroom. Her nose was stuffy, her eyes dry and her mouth felt as if it had been filled with cotton wool. Rubbing her hands over her face, she sat up slowly then stumbled to the bathroom.
"I look like hell," she said to her reflection after throwing cool water on her face.
"You look beautiful." The quiet statement had her spinning around. Caleb stood in the doorway, dressed in his favorite dark gray sweatpants.
"Where were you?"
"I was working in the guest room." He jerked his head in that direction. "I didn't want you to be alone when you woke."
She gripped the edge of the sink, not sure she wanted him to see her like this. This vulnerable. This needy.
You'll go hide, get yourself under control, then smile at me in the morning as if nothing happened.
Breaking the habit was beyond difficult. "I feel like I've been scraped raw." It was an emotionally honest statement.
"You have." Caleb fully entered the room and put his hands on her shoulders. Their eyes met in the mirror. "God, baby, you scared me. So much rage, so much pain." The use of an endearment he rarely used for her showed her exactly how shaken he'd been. "You've been burying it inside since you were four years old. It's been killing you bit by slow bit." His arms wrapped around her shoulders.
"And you with me," she whispered, reaching up to touch one of his hands.
He dropped a kiss on her cheek. "We'll both heal because neither of us is a quitter."
Not like your parents.
The words were unspoken but she heard them bright as day. "I'm not so sure I'm as strong as you think," she admitted.
"Let me be the judge of that." His body was a warm wall of protection at her back. "You grew into the woman you are today despite Ada trying to suffocate your spirit. To me, that makes you a miracle."
The words were precious gifts to her. She used them to patch some of the holes left from her emotional storm. "Until death do us part." It was a vow stronger than the one she'd had the capacity to make on her wedding day.
To her surprise, he grinned. "If you think I'm ever letting you go, you've got another think coming. Me and God have an understanding."
The comment snapped the solemn mood and she found herself smiling, then giggling. "Caleb!" Turning in his arms, she hugged him tight. He was her husband and her strength. He was also her greatest weakness. It was time to stop running from that truth and embrace what it implied about her own needs and desires.
* * *
The next day, she decided there was something they had to finish. She found him in the attached garage changing the oil in her car. To her surprise and delight, he'd taken Monday off to be with her. Watching him, she wanted to sigh in pride. Her man was sexy as anything wearing those old jeans that were almost falling off his hips, a streak of grease across his chest.