Her eyes flew open. His lips were pressed together as if conflicted about how much more to say. Or like he’d regretted saying anything at all.
She should tell him he didn’t have to talk about it… but curiosity forced a question from her lips. The two words were a whisper of sound in the dark, quiet room. “What happened?”
“She… she… didn’t have it,” he said with a frown.
Kimber stroked her fingers up his arm, up the length of sinew and long, lean muscle to his solid biceps. “She lost it?”
Silence permeated the room, and his eyes lingered, unfocused on something over her shoulder. “She had an abortion.”
Those four words begged more questions. Was it at his request? Did they go to the clinic together? Had he persuaded her to get it, or had she made that decision on her own? Guilt radiated off him, so much of it, her stomach tossed. She glided a palm onto his chest and rested it over his heart. Beneath the impressive muscles, golden skin, and fair hair, beat his heart.
His broken heart. Broken for a baby that never saw this world. Her heart pinged in sympathy, even as she warned herself not to feel his pain like her own. “I’m sorry,” she said.
He clutched her hand and squeezed, his eyes boring into hers. Eyes filled not with tears, but regret. She didn’t push, couldn’t bear to make him hurt any more than he hurt now.
The initial panic over the broken condom had passed. She was relaxed and warm, had Landon’s full attention, and an entire house to themselves without interruption. They also had time. As much time as they needed.
The chances of her getting pregnant were slim. She’d never had a condom blowout before, and reason suggested using one form of birth control was more risky than two. But she’d never gotten pregnant before, and the incident that happened to Landon had happened years ago.
Sixteen years ago, to be exact. She remembered when he’d returned home that summer, sadness hanging over him like a dark cloud. The sound of defeat in his voice when he’d told his mother he and his girlfriend had split.
She’d lost the baby by then.
And Landon had been mourning. Over more than just a girlfriend.
She palmed his face, and his brows lowered, maybe in confusion. There was no way he could know the direction her thoughts had taken. That she ached for him. Ached for the loss he’d suffered back then. Ached for the loss he still suffered.
“I love you,” she whispered.
His eyes widened, his cheeks darkened, and his mouth pressed into a hard, unforgiving line.
She hadn’t meant to say it. She’d meant to say something about that summer, or let him know she’d witnessed his sadness back then. But her stupid heart, that always fell too hard, too fast, had wired a message to her mouth. The very last thing she should have said aloud. Or to herself. At all, really.
So dumb.
He recovered quickly and tweaked her chin, bringing a halt to her panicky thoughts. “Safe space, remember? That was part of our agreement.”
She shook her head against the pillow, tears welling in her eyes. Tears of anger, tears of fear that what she said might really be true. What if she did love him? She felt like she meant what she’d said, but didn’t she always?
“I’m sure when you suggested a safe space you didn’t mean for me to say…” she trailed off, her voice wobbly. “I’m—this is something I do. I feel too much.” A tear escaped her eye and rolled down her cheek. She wasn’t sure if she felt embarrassed… or… or doomed. But something. Something not good.
A soft kiss landed on her lips, and he scooted close enough to touch her nose with his. “You’re walking away, remember? This is your fling. This is yours to savor.”
She blinked several times, weighing his words. What could have been an awkward ending to an already awkward evening felt almost… normal. He was giving her an out. An out she’d be stupid not to take. “It’s… I’m not sure why I said that.”
“So say something else,” he said simply. “Then we’ll move on to the last item on the list.”
The last item on the list. And then she could walk away and leave her awkward pronouncement behind. A shimmer of pain spread across her chest. Was he really so unaffected by her words? It doesn’t matter. She decided not to think about it any longer, to take the reprieve he’d offered.
Earlier she’d wondered if Landon, man of many talents with his lips and tongue and body, had started going warm and gooey on her. He’d soaped her up and hadn’t taken advantage of her even when she’d put her breasts in his hands. And she’d been desperate to get them focused on the physical, out of the emotional cage she’d been trapped in since she’d stepped into the shower to wash the remnants of him from her inner thighs.