Panicked, I’d called Layla, and I’d been lucky enough to get an appointment time the same day due to a cancellation.
“You’re only four days overdue,” Layla said gently as she sat down on a stool several feet away.
“I’m never late,” I said grimly. “The pill has always made me as regular as clockwork.”
“You have reason to be concerned,” the pretty blonde answered, giving me her complete attention. “But don’t get yourself upset yet. There are any number of things that could be the problem.”
I liked Layla. I always had. It wasn’t that I didn’t like Dr. Fortney, her colleague, but I’d never been comfortable with having a strange man doing pelvic exams.
Layla was more like a casual friend than a medical professional to me.
“Like what?” I asked.
“You’re on a hormonal pill, Riley. Just because you haven’t missed a period yet doesn’t mean you can’t. In fact, it happens fairly often.”
I had my first glimpse of hope. What if Layla was right? What if I was just skipping a period?
“Hey,” she said comfortingly. “Would it be that bad if you were pregnant?”
I nodded. “Catastrophic,” I mumbled. “I come from a pretty dysfunctional background, Layla. I don’t want to screw up a kid of my own.”
She nodded like she understood my fears. “What about your significant other?”
“He doesn’t want children. He spent his entire adulthood raising and educating younger siblings. He’s gotten to the point where he’s free to do what he wants,” I explained. “I can’t do this to him. I can’t tie him down with another child to raise.”
“No offense,” Layla said drily. “But it takes two to make a baby. An egg doesn’t get fertilized all by itself.”
“I know. But I’m on birth control. This wasn’t even on his radar or mine.”
“Granted, getting pregnant while you’re taking birth control properly is rare, but it happens, Riley.”
I rolled my eyes. “So I’d be in that less than one percent of women who gets pregnant on the pill?”
“It’s possible.”
“Great.”
“Is your fear of screwing up your child’s life the only reason why you don’t want to have kids?” Layla pushed softly.
I thought about her question for a minute, wishing she wasn’t so into women’s issues. I wasn’t sure I wanted to think about my desire to avoid children right now.
“I’m not sure,” I confessed. “I’ve never gotten past that one very compelling reason.”
“You don’t have to answer this question if you don’t want to, but you said you come from a dysfunctional background. Were you sexually assaulted?”
I nodded. I was done feeling ashamed of what happened to me when I was younger. “My father.”
“You know that wasn’t your fault, right? And it doesn’t mean you won’t be a good mother to any child you have.”
“Rationally, I know it. But psychologically, I’m still getting over my issues. He was my father.”
“He broke your trust, Riley. You were a kid, right?”
I nodded. “In grade school. My brothers were all sent off to boarding school, but my father kept me at home.”
“Did you ever consider that it was probably his plan to keep you at home? He tore you away from anybody who might have protected you.”
I’d never really thought about it, but . . . “You might be right.”
Maybe I’d always convinced myself that I hadn’t been sent away because I was a female, but Layla’s rationale made perfect sense.
I guess I’d never wanted to even contemplate the possibility that my abuse had been carefully planned.
“Did your mother know?” Layla questioned.
I nodded my head slowly. “I found out recently that she knew about everything. She just never stopped it.”
“Are you going to counseling, Riley?”
“I am. It’s helped a lot. I’ve come a long way in the last few years. But I have occasional moments when I’m still that scared, confused little girl.”
Terrified.
Uncertain.
Still looking for approval from my mother.
Thank God I’m not even remotely looking for my parent’s love anymore.
Layla smiled at me. “I think it’s normal to feel that way sometimes.”
“I wish it would go away. I don’t think it’s ever good for a relationship.”
“Does your boyfriend understand?”
I nodded. “He’s amazing. Supportive. That’s why I hope I’m not pregnant. He doesn’t deserve to be a father when he doesn’t want to be.”
Even though I knew Seth didn’t have a single regret about busting his ass to raise his younger siblings, I didn’t want to saddle him with a responsibility that he didn’t care to take on.
“What about you?” she prodded.
“Like I said, I don’t want children.”
At one time, I’d known I’d probably have to be a mother when I’d been engaged to Nolan. There had been no doubt in my mind that he’d want a male child to inherit his business.
I can’t say that I’d ever been okay with that, but I’d managed to block the thought completely from my mind.
Now, I could make my own decisions.
And I’d chosen not to have kids.
Or at least, I had thought I never would have a child of my own.
Until . . . today.
“If you’re pregnant, there are alternatives, Riley,” Layla said.
I put my hand to my flat abdomen reflexively.
If there was a baby, I couldn’t stand the thought of terminating a pregnancy, or giving Seth’s child away. “No,” I murmured. “I’ll figure it out if it happens.”
If I was pregnant, the child had been created from love, at least on my part.
It would rip my heart out to do anything other than love and nurture any baby who had been created because I loved Seth Sinclair body and soul.
“Whatever happens, I’ll be here to help you, Riley. Shall we get on with it?”
I looked at the pretty blonde gratefully. Layla had always gone above and beyond for her patients.
Honestly, I’d never had a reason to spill my guts to her like I was doing now. But I was pretty damn glad she was my health-care professional.
I couldn’t imagine having this conversation with the elderly, male Dr. Fortney.
“What do we need to do?” I asked, trying to build up my mental strength for whatever might be coming.
I appreciated the fact that Layla was trying to prepare me just in case I was pregnant.
Really, I’d been so stressed that I hadn’t thought about what would happen if I was going to have a child.
The reality was . . . I’d never be able to part with a child who belonged to Seth and me. At all. Ever.
If necessary, I’d raise the baby on my own. It wasn’t like I didn’t have the resources to take care of him or her.
“First, I’d really like to do a blood test. It’s a little more sensitive in picking up HCG if you’re pregnant. It’s the best test, since this would be extremely early. And you’d know the truth without a doubt.”