Unfortunately, my good mood came to a screeching halt when I glanced around the restaurant. Rachel was at a table, only she wasn’t delivering food. My hands clenched into fists as I watched her sitting in a booth off in the corner with some guy. Their hands were intertwined in the middle of the table as they sat in what appeared to be deep conversation. I stared until the guy moved his head and I could get a clear look at his face. Davis.
What the fuck?
My first instinct was to walk over and find out what the hell was going on. I even stood and took a few steps. But then I saw something that made me freeze in place. Rachel bent her head back, laughing. Instantly I went from angry to an odd mix of feeling crushed and guilty. She was smiling again instead of looking like she was sad. Wasn’t that what I’d wanted all along?
Conflicted, I watched from a distance until I was unable to take it any more. Then I turned around and quietly walked back out of the bar. I was angry, though I knew I had absolutely no right to be. And my anger was mixed heavily with regret.
It was my fault she was holding hands with another man. I’d walked away because I didn’t deserve to have her, yet no one else was worthy of her either. There was no logic to my thoughts. Somehow, though, I was aware that no one would understand the decisions I’d made. So, I kept to myself, even though I needed to work out what I was going through out loud.
The entire break, I’d been cooped up in my apartment. My only daily activity, other than hitting the gym, was listening to music. If I didn’t keep myself out for at least a few hours now, there was a good chance Rachel would be getting a mix tape. I was that pussified.
Left with nothing to do with myself, I decided to go for a drive. I’d let the road and my little car take me where they would. I didn’t have to be at work until Monday. Getting out of the city for a night or two might be just what I needed. Pulling a U-turn, I headed for the bridge instead of the parkway that took me back to my apartment. I honestly had no particular destination in mind. So, I just drove. For hours. And when I arrived, I realized I was exactly where I needed to be.
The stairs had been replaced. Worn red brick was now white marble. Some of the bushes were new, and the little fence that surrounded the statue of the Virgin Mary hadn’t been there before. But otherwise, St. Killian’s looked exactly like the last time I’d walked through its doors fifteen years ago. I still remembered that visit. I’d snuck out of the house—having been punished after the shit that went down with Benny the week before. I knew she was gone. My parents had told me that much since I’d refused to even talk about anything that’d happened until I heard she was safe. But I didn’t care. I needed to be here that Saturday in case somehow she came back to talk to me. I wanted to explain why I’d done what I’d done.
That afternoon, I sat in that dark booth for six straight hours. Of course she never did show up—she was long gone. I realized I’d have to live with the guilt of betraying her trust and hope she moved on.
The irony didn’t escape me that I was here once again after seeing her move on today.
Inside, the church was empty. I had no idea why I’d come or what I was going to do when I got here. My eyes went right to the confessional, which was still there, but I wasn’t about to go sit inside. Instead, I took a seat in the back pew and just looked around. It was peaceful tonight. The smell of musty incense warmed my senses. Closing my eyes, I took a few deep, cleansing breaths, spread my arms along the top of the pew, and bowed my head.
I stayed that way for an indeterminate amount of time, until the sounds of footsteps close by caused me to lift my head. An older priest came toward me. I hadn’t even heard him until he was only a few pews away.
“Ha-ware-ya, son?”
It took me a minute to realize he had an Irish brogue and had just asked how are you?
I smiled. “I’m good. I hope it’s okay to be in here.”
“No locks on these doors. We’re very lucky. Very few churches can say that anymore. Great community here. You can come whenever you want.”
“Thank you.”
“Is there something you’d like to talk about?”
“I don’t think so.”
“You sure? I’m known as a pretty good listener.”
“No offense, Father, but it’s a woman—not sure that’s your area of expertise.”
The priest smiled warmly and took a seat in the row in front of me. Turning to the side, he lifted a knee onto the seat and slung one arm over the back of the pew to face me.
“I might be married to the Lord, but I got a mother and four sisters.” He held up four fingers. “Four sisters. None of the bunch ever shut the hell up, so I know a lot about women.”
I chuckled. “I don’t think I’ve ever heard a priest say hell unless he was referring to eternal damnation.”
He smiled. “It’s the new millennium, son. I have to keep up with the times. Even watch some of those Real Housewives shows when I go over to my sister Mary’s place. She’s addicted to that stuff.’”
“That sounds like a penance.”
“Yeah, well, the Lord works in mysterious ways.”
“That I can wholeheartedly agree with.”
“So what brings you out this fine evening? Don’t think I’ve seen you around at any of the masses. Are you new to the area?”
“No, actually I grew up here. St. Killian’s was my church when I was a kid.”
“Ah.” He nodded. “You back in town visiting family, then?”
“No. Dad passed away years ago. Mom doesn’t live here anymore. I just…I was…” No use lying to a priest. “Thought I’d go for a drive to clear my head, and somehow I found myself here.”
“Sometimes the path is created for us, and we can only follow.”
“I suppose…”
“So tell me about your girl. What’s her name?”
“Rachel.”
He nodded. “From the book of Genesis.”
“If you say so.”
“What’s been going on with Rachel that has you lost?”
“It’s a long story, Father.”
“I’ve got nothing but time.”
“You won’t like it very much. I haven’t honored the church too well. Or priests for that matter.”