They weren’t quite sure when they’d handed it to me.
I drew in a breath past the lump in my throat that hadn’t quite gone away since I’d found out about the accident five days ago.
“I don’t know what to say.” I looked at the one single person that was in the sea of empty pews. My best friend, Suzanne. “I’m not even making sense. If I don’t make sense now, how am I going to make sense in an hour when I have to do this to a room full of thousands?”
Thousands of people were here for my father. He was an officer, after all. Police officers supported their own.
Suzanne gestured for me to come to her, and I did.
Wrapping me up in her arms, she pressed her face against mine and said, “You don’t have to talk at all.”
So I didn’t.
I didn’t say a freakin’ word.
Suzanne sat on one side of me and held my hand while Sammy’s mother, Mercy, sat on the other and did the same.
Together they held me together.
Together, they watched as my parents and sister were laid to rest.
Together, we all stared, now dry-eyed, as the officers and the people walked by and paid their respects.
I didn’t say anything to any of them.
A fluttering sensation filled my belly.
A short time later they led me outside.
I licked my lips and stared at the sea of people.
I was numb.
Physically. Emotionally. Mentally.
There was nothing in my body that felt even a single piece of happiness right now.
Not even the baby doing somersaults in my belly could make me crack.
Boom.
More research baby?
Boom.
Come here.
Boom.
You’re so beautiful.
Boom.
I can’t wait to see who the baby looks like.
Boom.
When I close my eyes, you’re all that I can see.
Boom.
I want to be married to you. I want the baby to have my last name. I want you to have my last name. Hasty Spurlock. Has a nice ring to it, doesn’t it?
Boom.
I can’t sleep. So I was looking at you.
Over and over the blasts went off.
I flinched for all twenty-one of the blasts from the twenty-one-gun salute.Chapter 23
Do I look like a fucking people person?
-T-shirt
Hastings
Sammy’s parents had decided to have his funeral in a field that would accommodate all the people that would be there.
Yet again, all the officers that had come down for my father’s funeral yesterday, were once again at my fiancé’s. They’d stayed the night.
Every single hotel room in a fifty-mile radius had been reserved.
There was standing only in the field.
“This field was the first place that your son was going to take me to learn to drive your tractor,” I said softly.
Yet another research topic.
Mercy laughed. “Miller did the same for me. And Blue and Sierra.”
I licked my lips. “I love it here.”
I felt like I could breathe here.
All the memories of Sammy were fresh here. I didn’t feel suffocated.
I looked to my right and spotted Patman walking up out of the trees and coming to a stop with a few other people from the police academy.
The first signs of anything besides numbness started to filter through my veins.
And it was white hot anger.
“What is he doing here?” I hissed.
Mercy squeezed my hand as she turned to see what I was looking at. Patman was entering the field from the area that was being used as parking.
“Honey…” she started.
I looked away from Patman and gritted my teeth.
I was so numb that I couldn’t even find it in me to dislike him.
I glanced back at him then looked away when he saw me and smiled.
“I’m going to go use the bathroom before the funeral,” I muttered darkly.
Suzanne moved to get up from the chair that Miller had found her, thanks to her knee hurting, but I waved her off.
“Don’t,” I said. “I’ll get it done on my own.”
She frowned. “Are you sure?”
I nodded once and scooted out from between the small group of people that had gathered around me to offer me support.
I felt Rowen pat my side as I passed, and I squeezed Dax’s hand as he offered to help me over a large patch of grass that was to my knees.
“Thank you,” I said as I let it go.
He nodded without saying a word.
Thinking I was alone, I made my way through the crowd of people, thankful when everyone gave me a wide berth.
I made it to the porta-potties that had been set off toward the front gate and locked myself inside.
I wanted to sit there all day and hide, but the smell was hideous and the moment I got inside, my belly started to somersault.
Taking care of business as fast as I could, I decided to run out to my car where I had some hand sanitizer.
Hopefully that would give it enough time for Sammy’s funeral to get started.
Maybe I would miss it completely.
A tear streaked down my cheek and I sniffled as I wiped it away with my shoulder.