“So have you,” I whispered. “You and him, you are the same. You both enjoyed this. I saw it in your eyes.” I swallowed hard.
His eyes flickered with emotion, and my heart tore seeing it. “You don’t even realize what I’m risking for you. You made me go against everything I ever cared about.”
Everything I ever cared about.
Cared. Not anymore?
Deep down I knew the answer, and it terrified me because if he felt what I felt, if he was capable of it, leaving him would destroy not only me.
“You should just have let Soto have his way with me.”
His expression was blank. He was too good at this. Too good at all things dark and dangerous. “Perhaps I should have,” he said simply. “It would have spared me a lot of trouble.” He twisted a strand of my hair around his finger with a strange expression. “After all, who says you are worth it?”
His words didn’t hurt me because I had seen the look in his eyes down in the basement even if I hadn’t dared believe it, but Remo had confirmed it wasn’t my imagination.
Fabiano needed to push me way. And I knew I needed to let him so I could do what had to be done. “Don’t pretend you acted out of the goodness of your heart. You saved me because you wanted to be the first to fuck me.”
The word left a bitter taste in my mouth but it got a reaction from Fabiano.
His lips curled into a cold smile. “You are right. I will be the first to fuck you.”
“Not if I have a say in the matter.”
He let out a joyless laugh before he pulled the car back onto the street.
“You are a monster,” I said harshly.
“I know.”
Fifteen minutes later, we entered the underground parking garage. He was really taking me to his apartment. Fabiano opened the car door and held out his hand for me. I stared at it, then up into his face. “Come on, Leona,” he said quietly. “Don’t make me carry you.”
I took his hand and let him pull me to my feet. He didn’t let go of me as he pulled me along toward the elevator that would take us up to his apartment.
Once we were inside the elevator, my emotions began to overflow. Anger and terror and sadness, and everything in between. “Why did you have to choose me?” I asked miserably. And why, why, why had my heart chosen him?
He didn’t say anything, only gave me that impenetrable look. The elevator doors slid open and he tugged me into his apartment. He pulled me against him and kissed me fiercely, and for a second I kissed him back, kissed him with every twisted, horrid part of me that loved him.
My palms came up against his chest. “No,” I said firmly, and tore away from him. My pulse raced in my veins. Fabiano came around, never allowing me to pull back from him. Why couldn’t he just let me be?
“You know,” he said quietly. “I never meant for any of this to happen. You were just a poor, lonely girl. I didn’t choose this, didn’t choose you.”
“Then stop this. Whatever it is between us, stop it. Now,” I whispered, peering up into his cold, beautiful face.
He cupped my face. “Don’t you think I would if I could?” His lips brushed mine. “But I can’t. I won’t. You are mine and I will protect you no matter the price.”
“Protect me?” I echoed.
Fabiano was a destroyer, not a protector. He was no knight in shining armor.
“And who will protect me from you?”
“You don’t need protection from me. Today should have proven that.”
“Today proved that you have done horrendous crimes in your past, that you are still committing atrocious things every day, that you enjoy doing them.”
“Leona,” he said darkly. “I never lied to you. I am the Camorra’s Enforcer. I am pain and death. I never pretended to be anything else. Don’t pretend you were ignorant to make yourself feel better.”
I lowered my gaze, feeling guilty and furious at once because he was right.
Death. Blood. Pain.
That’s what being with Fabiano meant.
And love.
But I couldn’t get one without the other.
That wasn’t the life I’d imagined. And did he love me? Whatever he felt, whatever I had seen, whatever Remo had seen, it wasn’t love.
“Come on,” Fabiano said, tugging me toward the stairs. “Let’s talk in the morning. You have gone through a lot today.”
What was there left to talk about in the morning? Yet I followed.
I grabbed a shower and Fabiano didn’t join me. Perhaps he’d finally understood that his closeness was too much right now. I put on the t-shirt he’d laid out for me, then walked into the bedroom.
Fabiano was already in bed, the covers pulled up to his waist, revealing his chest. Falling asleep against his chest had been the best thing about being with him in the last few weeks. One last time. I slipped under the covers with him and rested my cheek against his chest, right over his heart. It beat a calm rhythm. I wondered what would get his heart rate up if today’s events couldn’t. His fingers stroked my upper arm, and I ran my fingertips over all the scars on his chest and stomach. “This can’t end good. It will get us killed, you know that.”