But what sort of power did her mother have over her now? She had been gone for some years; could she still wield influence from the grave to the extent that Sara had allowed her?
That was a staggering thought. Sara had allowed her mother the power over her. Was it true? Was it truly her own decision to continue along the path of sacrifice and denial that her mother had led her to, to the extent that she was sacrificing her happiness, her dreams?
Why do you dislike taking what you want?
It was not greed. Nor even necessarily sin, according to the vicar. If she were hungry, there was nothing wrong with eating.
The vicar cleared his throat, interrupting Sara’s thoughts. “I fear I have tested your endurance far enough. I will go.” He rose and Sara and Louisa, uncharacteristically silent for the entire visit, followed suit. Bows and curtseys were exchanged and Mr. Pomeroy left.
Sara sank back down to the sofa, but Louisa remained standing. It wasn’t until the sound of the door closing that her friend whirled and approached her.
“What was that all about?” Louisa asked, sitting abruptly beside her.
“You were awfully quite this afternoon,” Sara said, attempting to divert her attention.
“I was being the proper chaperone,” she replied, “prepared to speak only when necessary, thus being unobtrusive. But you didn’t answer my question.”
“Louisa, I—” Sara stopped, trying to formulate her thoughts. “Have you ever woken up one day to realize that all you believed in for your entire life was a lie?”
“I don’t understand. What does this have to do with greed and sin?”
“Please, just answer my question.”
The other lady was silent for several moments. Her voice was soft and serious when she spoke. “There is much you and Claire and Bonnie don’t know about me. But the answer is yes.”
Sara stared at Louisa. It was true; she did not know much of her friend’s past. She had just assumed that Louisa was from a similar background to that of Claire’s, but now she was unsure. Had Louisa even ever mentioned any family?
Not wanting to pry, Sara whispered, “And what did you do?”
The expression in Louisa’s eyes was unlike anything Sara had ever seen on her friend. Her brown eyes, usually bright and determined, held a darkness that made the small hairs on Sara’s arms stand up. It was only there for a moment before Louisa veiled it, but the feeling lingered on her arms.
Louisa’s voice was flat when she answered, her eyes remote. “I did what had to be done. I began living my life for myself. I stopped depending on others; I am the only one I can trust, the only one I can rely on. There is no one else.”
Sara reached out slowly as though she was afraid her movement would startle her friend. She lightly touched Louisa’s arm. “We are here,” she whispered. “Claire and I. And Bonnie. You can rely on us.”
Louisa blinked and the remoteness fell away. She smiled at Sara and patted her hand which rested lightly on Louisa’s arm. “Of course you are. I know that. But what does this have to do with you?”
“I have recently been informed that I do not take what I want.”
Louisa let out a short laugh. “That is an understatement.”
Hearing her friend agree with Mr. Grant set Sara’s hackles on edge. “What do you mean by that?”
Louisa shook her head ruefully. “You are one of my dearest friends, so believe me when I tell you that I am not saying this to hurt you. Sara, you are one of the most meek, frightened people I have ever met.”
“Excuse me?”
“I am sure you would be frightened by your own shadow if you did not see it every day. You don’t stand up for yourself in anything and dislike anything that remotely necessitates a decision. And heaven forbid that decision result in something that requires change.”
“That is not true,” Sara replied. “Joining the Governess Club was a decision that I made and it required a great deal of change.”
“Yes to the change, which we all greatly helped you with. You barely spoke for the first week after we moved in here. But deciding to join us?” Louisa shook her head. “We made the decision for you. We just began preparations as if you had voiced your agreement, even though you had not. And because you avoid confrontation like the plague, you did not stand up to us to refuse participation. That is how you got here, not because you actually made the decision to come.”