I need. I need. I need.
I love this woman. She makes me crazy. All of my senses culminate in her presence. I am the best version of myself with her. I just … love this woman.
“Jesus …” she pants, closing her eyes as her head eases to the side and one of her heels digs into the back of my leg.
I press her other leg an inch closer to her chest, like my entire being wants to crawl inside of her … possess her.
Keep her forever.
My neck stretches back, face twisting as I release.
My mind and my heart instantly prepare for her to push me away, pull on her clothes in under thirty seconds, and run out on a wave of regret because the only thing that comes close to the size of Dorothy’s heart is her conscience.
But … she does what she’s always done best. Shocks the hell out of me.
Her eyes flutter open, lips curl into a perfect smile, and she cups the back of my head like I’ve done to her so many times. Then she pulls me back down to her for a slow kiss.
Our kiss ends when something on the floor makes a vibrating sound. It’s one of our phones.
“Eventually,” she whispers, brushing the pad of her thumb along my eyebrow.
I squint.
Her lips form a faint smile. “Eventually I’ll be okay. And so will you.”
A goodbye.
This is goodbye. A redo because the one in my office was horrible. But nonetheless, it’s goodbye. I don’t know if saying goodbye to Dorothy Mayhem can ever be anything but horrible.
I nod because all words remain congested in my throat.
CHAPTER THIRTY-THREE
The Man in the Yellow Hat
Sex isn’t closure. It’s not a goodbye. And it doesn’t satisfy the heart. It’s a false moment of hope where the body gets its way while the mind turns a blind eye to reality.
My reality?
I have a family.
Tonight I’m dressed as The Man in the Yellow Hat. Julie is a banana, and Roman is Curious George. Roman wanted us to be superheroes, but Julie fell in love with the monkey theme. I really think she was just pissed off that Roman insisted we be superheroes “like Dorfee.”
Julie gives Roman a real banana as a snack before we head out and fill his belly with candy. I snap a quick picture of our little monkey eating the banana and send it to Dorothy because I know she’ll love it.
Me: Not a superhero, but still pretty dang cute!
It’s the first contact I’ve made with her since the on-call room weeks ago, other than the occasional quick passing glance at the hospital. I’m not even sure why it’s such a knee-jerk reaction to take the photo and send it to her. But … it is.
“Your family is on their way over here. Who are you sending that to?” Julie rolls her eyes, peeking around me to see my phone.
“Jesus, Elijah …” she whispers before I can get out of my message screen that has Dorothy’s name at the top.
I turn toward her, but she’s already halfway up the stairs.
“Hello? Where’s George?” Mom calls, opening the front door.
My parents and sisters make their way into the living room, snapping lots of their own pictures of Roman and then of me.
“These are the best costumes!” My mom beams. “Where’s Julie?”
“Bedroom.” I gesture toward the stairs. “I’ll go see if she’s ready.”
I take slow steps down the hallway to my bedroom. Our bedroom? Fuck, I have no idea. I close the door and slither my guilty ass to the doorway of the bathroom.
Julie glances up in the mirror, eyes wet, lips trapped between her teeth.
“I’m sorry.” How unoriginal. Even with sincerity in my voice, the words sound empty.
“What are we doing, Eli?” Our gazes meet in the mirror. “Because I’m here, going through the motions, trying to put our family back together. And I thought that’s what you wanted too.”
“It is.” I drop my chin, feeling too much guilt to even look at her any longer.
“What did I misread? Misunderstand? Because I thought you and Dorothy were over? I’ve been making meals and doing the laundry. We sleep in the same bed, but you never touch me. And I thought it was because of your injuries and maybe Dorothy too … I thought maybe you just needed time to let go. But messaging her pictures of Roman is not letting go.”
I force my gaze back to her. And she doesn’t look mad, she looks hurt.
She stares at her feet. “I get it. I ruined us. I’ve never expected anything from you. I bore the burden. But you begged me to give us another try. So I thought this was what you wanted. And since I’ve been taking my meds and doing the counseling, I’ve realized it’s what I want too. But I can’t do this if you’re not all in. If you need more time, I’ll give it to you. Just ask me. If you don’t want this anymore, then just tell me. But please, I beg you … don’t hold me at arm’s length, making me look like a fool because you can’t decide what it is you want.”