Dorothy Mayhem ruined me. Just completely ruined me.
But her words hold me accountable, like I owe it to her to give Roman the life she thinks he deserves. And he does deserve that life.
“Yeah.” I pin the best damn smile on my face that I can muster. “He would love that.”
“Perfect!” Julie lifts onto her toes and kisses the corner of my mouth.
I stiffen, feeling the full weight of Warren’s scrutinizing gaze.
“Bye, Dr. Warren.” Julie tosses him a grin before sashaying out of the lab.
“Don’t say it.”
“She’s the mother of your kid. A successful doctor. Incredibly beautiful. What could I possibly say? Other than … it’s obvious why you’re no longer with Dorothy.”
I take three painful steps toward him, grab his lab coat, and shove him into the wall. His eyes bulge from his head.
“Dorothy Mayhem is the fucking universe. She’s what every other human could only hope to be. She’s better than me, better than you, and better than Dr. Hathaway—added all together and multiplied times infinity. And even then … we don’t come close to Dorothy Mayhem. So if I ever hear you say her name again, it better be in complete respect and reverence. Do I make myself clear?”
Warren blinks slowly before nodding. I release him, go tell Keisha Eldridge’s parents that their daughter has a deadly cancer that’s very rare in children. Then I lay out her treatment options and give them very promising survival statistics while praying with them to a god that may or may not exist.
Dorothy was right … my problems are small even if in my heart they feel incredibly large and unbearable.
* * *
The next two weeks turn into a blur as I acclimate back into working full days. I still go to physical therapy. But I’m back to walking normally. Warren and I make silent amends, focusing more on work and less on personal life.
Julie and her things continue to infiltrate my house, like she’s moving in without actually announcing it or renting a big van to do it all at once. And I’m letting it happen because I don’t know how to stop it or if I should stop it.
I hope one day soon I’ll just wake up and everything will click. Julie will be the love of my life again. Roman will frolic around in bliss because he’s back in a full-time, stable home with two parents tucking him in every night. My sisters will stop scowling at me during Sunday brunch because they’ll accept my reasons for allowing Julie back into my life … my home … my bed.
And Dorothy …
Well, I have to believe that one day I will thank her. One day I will stop missing her. One day it won’t hurt to pass her in the hallway at the hospital. But that day feels unreachable right now.
After lunch with my mom, I grab a coffee to cut through the chill in the fall air and wait for the elevator to take me up to my lab.
“Shit!”
I glance over my shoulder just as Dorothy rounds the corner, holding out her hot coffee that she’s dribbled down the front of her shirt. Before I can say anything, she glances up. From the size of her eyes, it’s obvious she wasn’t expecting to see me when she turned the corner.
“Hi.” My smile reaches a new high, one it hasn’t seen in weeks.
It feels good and awful. Refreshing and heartbreaking.
“Gulp.”
I chuckle. That feels pretty damn good too. It just happens. I’m not doing it to play the part. I’m not doing it for her. It’s for me.
The smile.
The laugh.
The warm sensation of contentment.
It’s for me.
And it’s fucking incredible, even if this moment passes in a blink. For now, I’m just going to keep my eyes open.
“Did you actually just say gulp?”
“Well…” she wipes her hand down the front of her scrub top, making the dripped coffee spread into bigger spots “…I uh, thought it first. Then it just came out.”
“You might need a new top.”
Keeping her chin tipped toward her chest, she continues to mess with the spots. “I don’t have a matching top. Not one that will work with my undershirt and shoes.”
More laughter fills my chest as my grin threatens to crack my entire face. “Sometimes you have to make the alternative work, even if it feels all wrong.”
“Easier said than done.” She looks up.
My words that were spoken with no great meaning, take on a life of their own. Sucking all the oxygen from the space around us. Echoing a very grim reality. Erasing my smile and silencing my laughter.
The elevator doors open. I step aside and let her go first. She pushes the button to the fourth floor. The same floor as my lab.
The doors close.
I move behind her to hide everything that’s etched into my face.