I never thought of it that way.
“She should be more selfish.” I handed the photos back to Lila.
“She really should.” Rolling to her side, she set the photos on the nightstand. When she rolled back toward me, her smile faded.
We stared at each other in silence for a minute or so before she lifted her hand and rested it on my face. “You came here for this,” she whispered.
That one touch. When Lila touched me—when I touched her—it felt like the first time I touched Evie and she touched me. My eyes drifted shut, and I let her touch be Evelyn’s touch. I let the pain vanish. I embraced the silence. Each thought brought an image of my wife and all the perfect moments we’d shared in our nearly six years together.
Lila’s thumb traced my cheekbone the way Evie’s had done so many times before. I covered her hand with mine, keeping it pressed to my cheek. Every second we stayed connected gave me more time. More time to get home to Evelyn and feel good. More time to take my wife in my arms and feel only us, even if it didn’t last. I just …
Emotions burned my eyes, and without opening them or blinking, I felt a few tears slide down my face.
Lila said nothing, but her thumb chased each one, erasing it with her beautiful, magical touch.
I just … I just wanted her to be Evelyn. I wanted Evelyn’s touch to feel that way.
That warm.
That necessary.
That perfect.
There was no dignity in addiction. I stumbled and fell flat on my face when Evie called me out on my opioid addiction. I swallowed my pride (what little I had left) and got the help I needed.
Lila’s touch became my new addiction. More addictive than any pill I had ever popped. I needed her touch to survive, to keep from losing everything. Yet … it was so so so incredibly wrong.
“I love Evie,” I whispered.
Lila started to pull her hand away. I opened my eyes to her face wrinkled in regret. Easing my head side to side against the pillow, I swallowed my own regret. I needed to need my wife’s touch again, and only Lila could give me that chance.
“I miss Graham,” she said softly.
I wasn’t Graham. She wasn’t Evelyn. But we were … something. And sometimes something for a breath in time could be absolutely everything.
Ignoring what was left of my instinct to do what was right, to turn away from what was wrong, I slid my arm between Lila’s waist and the mattress, pulling her into my body. She rested her cheek on my chest and her arms encircled my neck.
Her thinner body, the familiar scent of Evie’s shop in her hair, the way she molded into my body like Evie always did so naturally, it felt like my wife in my arms, so I closed my eyes and let it be Evie. And I hoped that Lila closed her eyes and let it be Graham.
We fell asleep in each other’s arms. Three hours later, my phone vibrated in my pocket, waking us up. I reluctantly let go of Lila and the best sleep I’d had in many months. We sat up, Lila rubbing her eyes while I slid my phone from my pocket.
Evelyn: Tami just texted me. She wants to go out tonight. We’re meeting a few of her friends for dinner and drinks. Please make sure you’re home in time to relieve Sue and get dinner for our kiddos. Thanks xo
I had one hour to make it home in time, but I couldn’t get to Aspen from Denver in one hour. Evelyn didn’t know about my trip to Denver. I’d shut off my location on my phone. Half of the time we couldn’t locate each other because of poor signal in the mountains, so not locating me never raised suspicion.
“Everything okay?” Lila stood, straightening her blouse and running her fingers through her long blond hair.
Scratching the back of my own messy hair, I nodded, glancing back at the screen. “I need to be home in an hour.” I grunted a laugh.
“That’s not possible.”
“Yeah …” I brought up my contacts screen. “I know.”
Ronin: I need a huge favor. Can you be at my house in an hour and watch Franz and Anya for a couple of hours?
I pressed send and typed out a quick second message.
Ronin: And can you not tell Tami, Evelyn, or anyone for that matter? And can you bring them dinner? They love pizza.
Noah: Hey, buddy. Sure. Is everything okay?
Ronin: Yes.
I didn’t elaborate. What was I supposed to say? Noah owed me a few favors after he ran into an old girlfriend who was in town for a week skiing last year. She wanted to have dinner with him one night and drinks the next night, and more than that. He didn’t cheat on Tami, but he also didn’t tell her about the old girlfriend. When Tami called looking for him twice, I covered for him. I lied for him.