“No! Get away from me!” I pushed him away with my hand, as I continued, straining to throw my guts up. Tears fell from my eyes. Once I was finished, I rested my head on my arm, which was wrapped around the toilet seat. The taste of the vomit in my mouth made me want to do it again. After a few seconds, I managed to stand and walk over to the sink. Marcus was leaning against the wall, looking at me desperately. I ignored him and brushed my teeth, trying to erase the taste. After rinsing my mouth twice, I stormed into the bedroom.
What was I supposed to do? I couldn’t even look at him, let alone stay in the same room as him. I walked over to the drawer he said was mine and in one swoop grabbed all of my clothes, dumping them onto the bed. Walking back, I opened the second and third drawers and did the same.
Marcus walked over to me and reached for my wrist. Pulling away, I walked past him and headed for the closet. I spotted my small suitcase and rolled it over to the bedroom. When I walked back in, Marcus was placing my clothes back in the drawers. “Marcus, what the hell are you doing?” I yelled.
“You’re not going anywhere, Mia; I won’t let you. Please, you have to talk to me. Let me explain,” he begged.
“Marcus, I am tired of this!” Dropping the suitcase to the ground, I lifted my hand to my chest. “I can’t do this anymore: the late nights, your second life. I love …” The tears began to take over again, and I was practically sobbing. I wasn’t sure if I was even understandable. “I love you so much, and it will hurt for me to leave, but I have to do what’s best.”
He ran to me, keeping his distance, not sure if I was ready for him to touch me. His eyes were lost and confused. “Please, Mia, don’t leave me; I-I know I fucked up … I had no choice, Mia. Please, you’re the only person that I live for.” His voice broke at the last words.
“You don’t understand; it’s not about me anymore, Marcus. I have a bigger responsibility to take care of and think about now. It’s way bigger than both of us, and I’m not ready to bring that around this.” I said, waving my hand at his bloody shirt.
Looking down at his shirt, he brought his gaze back to me. “Please, Mia, don’t do this; I need you.”
“Someone else needs me more.” I said, pressing my hands against my belly.
Chapter Eighteen
He looked down at my hands, back up into my eyes, and then down at my hands again. His head slightly tilted to the side. After a few seconds, he caught on and gasped taking a step back. Slowly his gaze met mine again. Tears begin to sting his eyes.
“Y-you’re pregnant?” He breathed the question in shock. Not saying a word to him, I just simply nodded. This was not how I expected to tell him; this was not how I wanted to tell him. Yet there we were. Before, my fear was of his reaction; now, my biggest fear was of knowing I’d have to do this alone because I wouldn’t allow my child to grow up in this environment.
He swallowed hard and stepped in closer. He looked at me to see if it was okay. I didn’t move, so he inched in some more, meeting my eyes again to see if I’d retreat. I didn’t move. Cautiously he brought his hand and placed in on top of mine. Sliding my hands away so that he could touch, he gently caressed my belly. A gentle smile formed on his face; looking up at me, his eyebrows furrowed. Slowly he lowered his head toward mine. I wanted to kiss him desperately; I wanted this moment to be special, to be a happy moment for the both of us. When his lips almost brushed mine, I pulled away completely smacking his hand off of me.
Within that second, I regretted my reaction when I saw the hurt of my rejection on his face; it made my stomach twist in knots. Leaving him would not only hurt me but it would cause so much pain to him. I didn’t know if I could handle that, but it wasn’t about me anymore. I needed to focus on what was more important, and that was the safety of my unborn child, our unborn child. I had this instant connection with my baby, this need to protect it.
“Mia, please, let’s be a family. Please don’t leave me; I promise I’ll do better.” He begged.
Hope filled me. I would do anything to have a family. “Will you leave then? Will you stop working for Lou?” Searching his face, my spirits begin to lift. Maybe he’d finally leave it behind. If he loved us enough, he would, wouldn’t he?
“Mia, I…I can’t do that right now.” He swallowed.
Hurt and rage filled my every bone. Tilting my head, I studied him. “Why not? Don’t you love me? Don’t you want this to work? I can’t raise a child in this environment, Marcus! I won’t allow my baby to end up like you!” I didn’t mean to say it that way. I just wanted him to understand…understand why I wanted him to leave. I loved him so much, and I knew those words hurt him deeper than anything. The look on his face … It pained him to know what I thought of him.
We didn’t say anything to each other for a long time. We just stared at one another, both of us breathing heavily. Lost, confused, anxious, and scared, I didn’t know what to say next. So instead I brushed past him with my suitcase, laid it on the bed, unzipped the lid, and began to throw my belongings in it.
Trying to hold back my tears, I couldn’t; it was hard to see what I was doing through blurry vision. When I finally packed the last piece of fabric, I closed the suitcase. Anxiety overcame me, and I felt faint. Leaning against the bag, I sniffed and tried so desperately to calm my breathing. I grabbed the handle to the bag and turned around. Marcus was standing in the same spot, this time facing me, staring directly at me with those big, warm, sad, brown eyes. Tears slowly dripped down his cheek. Shocked to see this, startled by this reaction, I couldn’t move; I just stared at him.
“I had to do it.” He finally spoke in a low husky tone. “It was either him or me.” I didn’t move or speak out of fear, shock and curiosity. I allowed him to talk. “I walked into the warehouse, thinking it would be like any other day. Eager to get back home to you, I just wanted it to be over with. It was me and two other guys, Larry and Vinnie. They usually go with me on these jobs. It was a drug trade with a Chinese cartel.” He continued to talk, not moving or taking his eyes off of me. I sank down onto the edge of the bed, waiting nervously for what he would say next.
“We’ve done plenty of business with them before. So it wasn’t anything new, same shit: we go in, make the trade, count the money, and seal the deal. Though this time, it was different. There was a new guy in their group. I found him suspicious the moment I saw him; I don’t like new people, especially in this line of work. You always have to be cautious, but I wanted to hurry the deal to get home. My guys began to unload the bags of drugs into the back of their truck. I watched everything that was going on, keeping my eyes on my guys, the truck, the other group, and the new guy who was eyeing me down.