The heat of his stare burns into me as he cooks in the kitchen, but I ignore it. My stomach grumbles the moment I inhale something savory. I’m too jittery to eat, though.
As I step outside, the chill of the evening air nips the exposed flesh of my arms and bare feet. I relish the sting. There’s a swing on the darkened porch, so I plop down on it, propping my feet up on a table in front of it. I fish out my smokes and light the end before sucking down a drag, trying and failing to get my body to stop shaking.
I jacked off in front of him.
And then…
Fuck. I’m so fucked.
Ignoring the stiffening of my dick at the memory of how it felt to hold Blaine’s cock in my grip, I take another drag. I blow out the calming air harshly and study my Zippo in the moonlight.
If Lex were here, I’d demand he fix what’s wrong with me. Because he saw it even when I couldn’t. And he loved me anyway. He was awesome like that. Not judgmental. Wise. Always straight to the point. My throat aches with emotion. He was too fucking young to die.
Tears prickle at my eyes, and I fucking hate it. I hate how fragmented my mind feels all the damn time. I just need…I need a reprieve, goddammit.
I need a reprieve from me.
“I need a reprieve from me,” I croon, my voice husky from emotion. I like the way the words sound. Raw and brittle. It’d make a good hook.
The crickets are chirping in a relaxing cadence that chills my nerves a bit. I think about more lyrics that could work while tapping my Zippo on the wood of the swing for the beat. My mind drifts back to Lex.
What would he think about Blaine?
He’d probably be jealous at first, then laugh and give me shit. Me with a cop is fucking insane enough as it is. But Lex would want me to be happy, no matter if it was with a man or a woman. I know this deep down. Yeah, Lex would smile, his whole soul shining, and say, “You do you, brother.”
But I don’t even know who I am. I don’t even know who I want to be.
Lex’s laughter echoes in my head, and I tremble. I press my cigarette between my lips and flip open the Zippo. The flame dances in the darkness, enticing and alluring. I run it across my forearm, hissing at the sting. When I can’t take the burn any longer, I flip the lid closed and exhale the plume of smoke. I finish my cigarette before tossing it to the porch floor and stubbing it out with my bare foot.
“I don’t even know who I am,” I sing, my voice low and sad. “I don’t even know who I want to be.” I scrub at my face, fighting the confusion warring within me. “I need a reprieve from me.”
“New song?”
I jerk at the sound of Blaine’s deep voice. “Maybe.”
“I like it.” He steps over to me and hands me my acoustic. “Heard you singing and thought this might help. Dinner is in the oven.”
“Thanks,” I mutter as I set it on the table. I close my eyes, hoping he’ll leave me alone.
“What the hell, Xa?”
Pain lances through my arm as he grips it, his features dark and menacing in the shadows.
“What?” I growl.
“You need to quit this shit,” he bites out, releasing my arm. “It’s fucked up.”
“Whatever, man.”
He squats down in front of me so we’re eye to eye. “In my house, have some respect, boy.”
I tense at the husky way he calls me “boy.” Every time he says it, heat burns up my spine.
“I like the pain of it,” I tell him, meeting his glare with one of my own.
“As long as you’re here, you’re not doing that shit,” he says, nodding to my Zippo.
I ignore him until he stands and starts to walk away.
“Why won’t you let me burn?” My words are whispered, mostly to myself. Maybe they’re lyrics, maybe they’re a plea.
He walks back over to me and sits down. His fingers dig into my jaw as he turns me to look at him. My body tingles from his touch.
“You like pain?” he asks, a challenge in his tone.
Of course I rise to the occasion. “Yeah, you got a problem with that?”
His lips curl into a sinister smile that makes my stomach clench in anticipation. “I’ve got a problem that you’re inflicting the pain yourself. That’s my job, boy.”
“You want to hurt me?”
“Among other things.”
“Why?”
“Because I like it. And based on your need to feel as a distraction from what’s going on inside you, I’d say you’ll like it too.”
“Like spank me?”
At this, he laughs. The sound is rich, deep, and vibrant. I decide right then, I really fucking love his laugh. Reminds me of the way Lex and I would laugh until we cried. My bandmates and I are close, but I’ve never been as close to them as I was with Lex. The thought of laughing without a care in the world like so many days in my past has a trickle of hope flickering inside me.