“I graduated to breaking into people’s houses, even stealing into bedrooms while couples slept. You see, I’m not a good bet,” he said, suddenly looking tired and defeated, washed out and embarrassed. “I’ve had a tough past and I’m a tough bastard and I doubt I’m going to be a good father...but I’m going to try.” He shook his head. “But I can’t be more than that, Vivianne.”
She didn’t respond to his last statement. Instead, she focused on his past. “Tell me, Cam. Tell me all of it.”
Cam took a deep breath before shrugging. “It’s not pretty.”
“I don’t want pretty. I want the truth.”
“My mom left when I was two or three. My father said she couldn’t handle it, couldn’t handle me.”
Even if his mother had been that much of a bitch, how dare his father repeat her words? Vivi pushed her fist into her sternum, immediately and intensely angry for the child Cam had been.
“Most people expect our parents to love us more than anything else in the whole world. I never did. I knew my mom left because she didn’t love me and I knew I was nothing more than a burden to my father. When my grandfather came to live with us when I was five or so, he reinforced that idea. I was a drain on their resources, and if I was going to hang around, then I was going to earn my keep.
“I remember being five or six, and them teaching me to pick pockets, boosting me through small windows to pilfer items out of bedrooms and offices. Even then I knew what we were doing was wrong, but they told me that if I did this one thing, they would throw a ball with me, read me a story, buy me an ice cream. It was all about bribery, and they were masters at knowing exactly what I needed most at that time. They were damn good at manipulation.”
Vivi wanted to throw something, to punch a wall, to go out and find his relatives so that she could strip skin off them. “Where are they now?” she asked, holding on to her temper.
“My dad is in jail, and will be for the next twenty years, and my grandfather died a few years back.”
“Ah.”
“Have you ever met a person who was never, ever at fault?” Now that the plug had been pulled from the dam, the river of words started to flow from Cam.
From his expression, Vivi suspected that it might be the first time he’d spoken about this, so she nodded, encouraging him to talk.
“They were always victims, you know? They always blamed someone else, frequently me, when something went wrong. They were Teflon coated. They never took ownership or responsibility for anything, ever. And they didn’t teach me to do that, either.
“I spent my life analyzing my behavior, trying to be the person they wanted me to be. I was perpetually tired, drained, partially because I was constantly worried they’d be caught and I’d be shoved into the system. Turned out I was the one to be arrested first, and I was the one tossed into the system.”
“You went to jail?”
Cam nodded. “Yeah. You’ve been sleeping with an ex-con, sweetheart.”
“No, I slept with you,” she was quick to correct him. “Why did you go to jail? And what happened inside that made you straighten out?”
“I went to juvie for burglary. My lookout, my father, ran when a silent alarm went off in a house. I got caught red-handed with my hand in a safe.”
Vivi grimaced. How scared he must’ve been.
“And I was straightened out by a social worker who arranged for me to tour a prison, someplace I realized I didn’t want to go. She told me that if I didn’t shape up, some of those animals I met would be my new best friends.” Cam shrugged. “I’ve never been stupid, so I shaped up. By the time I left juvie, Dad was incarcerated and I decided not to contact my grandfather again.”
“That must’ve been hard.”
When Cam shook his head, it finally hit Vivi how hard his life must’ve been. How alone he must’ve felt. “I’m sorry, Cam.”
“I’m not a good bet, Vivi.” Cam looked her in the eye. “I was exposed to stuff that no child should be exposed to. I did things no one is supposed to. My father and his father had screaming fights and frequently came to blows, so I never learned how to communicate in a healthy way. Can you understand why I’m so damn reluctant to settle down, have a family?”