Jodie’s lower lip quivers. “He did care about me.”
“Like a little sister, but that wasn’t how you wanted him to see you, was it?”
She purses her lips as anger flickers in her eyes.
What is she getting mad at me for? I’m only telling the truth. And I’m not done yet.
“Even now, you’re still trying to please him. You’re still trying to do what you think he would have wanted. You still wish he was here, that I was him.”
“That’s not true!”
“Isn’t that why you were looking at my necklace after we had sex at the apartment? Because you were thinking of him?”
“Well, I was, but…”
“Tell me the truth,” I demand. “If Antonio was still alive, you would never have had sex with me, right?”
Jodie doesn’t answer. Her silence tells me what I need to know.
I look away. “Just as I thought. You may see me as a man, but not as good as the man Antonio could have been, would have been. I’ll never be good enough for you, will I?”
Still, she says nothing.
I’ve had enough of this, of her using me as a replacement for Antonio. I start to leave her behind. Suddenly, I feel a hand on my arm.
“Leo…”
“Enough!” I pull my hand away.
I must have done it too hard, because Jodie loses her balance. She stumbles back and trips over a rock, falling on her hand.
My eyes grow wide with horror, then look away in shame. My jaw clenches. What have I done?
“I always end up hurting you, don’t I?” I say to her with trembling fists. “Even though I never mean to. Even though I try to be good. I guess you’re right. I’ll just never be a good guy like Antonio. I’ll never be good enough for you, Jodie, or good for you, so it’s best for us to stay away from each other.”
I toss the car keys to the ground and walk on the same unpaved path Jodie and I took earlier together, this time in the opposite direction and alone.
Something tells me I’ll always be alone.
Chapter Seventeen
Jodie
I never thought Leo felt like that, I think as I stare blankly at the screen of my phone while seated in the hospital waiting room.
I know he once lost Antonio’s space-themed watch. I thought that was an accident, that he borrowed it and then misplaced it. I know he liked beating Antonio at sports. That was only natural for someone like him who was good at them. And of course, there’s that unforgettable incident of him pretending to be Antonio while he was out with me, which I thought was a prank. I never thought Leo actually wanted to be like Antonio, that there was some kind of competition between them that Leo wanted to win so badly but kept losing. It never occurred to me that Leo was constantly trying to catch up to Antonio or that he was hurting so much because of it.
Yes, Antonio was the one with better grades and behavior. When put beside Leo, who was a rebellious grouch, he was the more likable – so of course, he was more well-liked. But I didn’t think that bothered Leo. I always thought he lived by his own rules, that he didn’t care about approval or school or having friends. I definitely didn’t think he was envious of Antonio.
How could I when I saw how close they were? I was the one who was envious of them, actually, of how well they understood each other. They weren’t just twins. They were best friends. Sometimes, even without saying anything, they seemed to know what the other was thinking, feeling. Yes, I tried to monopolize Antonio and he did become my best friend, but did I ever feel as close to him as Leo did? Never.
Besides, wasn’t Leo crazy about Antonio, in a brotherly sort of way? Antonio was the only one he relied on, the only one he listened to. It made me think Antonio was the older brother even though they were twins. He was always taking care of Leo. And Leo respected him. At least, that’s how I saw it. After all, no matter how angry he was, he never had a fight with Antonio. Sure, maybe the fact that Antonio never let anything ruffle his composure or rile his temper had something to do with that, but I always thought Leo looked up to him like some kind of hero. Was he actually harboring some kind of resentment the whole time? Was he only pretending to get along with his twin while secretly wishing he didn’t have one? Is that why he can’t speak of Antonio fondly? Why he always frowns at the mention of Antonio’s name?
I’ve never thought about all this before. Now that I’m thinking of it, it all seems to make sense. It was all there in front of me. I just couldn’t see it.