It’s as if he really thought this was our honeymoon of sorts and went out of his way to make me feel as loved as I possibly could given the circumstances. I didn’t think of anything else but him and I and the new changes in our relationship, so I guess it worked. But now, as we headed down the driveway in his car our hands held together on his thigh, I started dreading the day ahead.
I had no idea how to act or how I was going to once we reached the school, and I saw the others there. I was almost tempted to claim a headache just so I could run back home and hide. There were butterflies of a different sort running around in my tummy. They felt nothing at all like the ones I’d felt last night when I heard Tyler outside my door once the rest of the house had gone quiet beyond.
“Nervous?” He squeezed my hand without taking his eyes off the road as he asked me this. There was a lump in my throat, so I couldn’t answer. I didn’t want to come across as a whiny brat, or something even less attractive, but I honestly hadn’t been prepared for this.
Where all the others had bragged and boasted about their conquests and laughed about how they were going to break his hard and steadfast rule of not sleeping with the same girl twice, I knew I couldn’t tell anyone about what we’d done. But how am I supposed to act around him now? We’d talked about it sure, but actions have always spoken way louder than words, and I’m not sure now that after the closeness of the last fifty-eight hours give or take that I can go back to treating him like my stepbrother.
He lifted my hand to his lips when I didn’t answer before putting it back where it was on his thigh. “There’s no need to be nervous. Exactly what are you nervous about, though?”
“I don’t want to be just another one like the others.” I had no idea I was going to say that or that that was even what had been bothering me.
Tyler pulled over onto the shoulder and looked at me. “Seriously? Didn’t we talk about this?” I shrugged my shoulders noncommittally and looked straight ahead. How could I explain to him that I was so scared that I didn’t know what I was saying or doing? Somehow I felt that once we got back to the real world that his eyes would open, and he’d change his mind about all the things he’d said to me this weekend. All those words that had gone to my head and heart.
He looked hurt and a little annoyed at me, and I wanted to cry. Then he pulled his hand from mine, and I wanted to die, but it was only to cup my cheek. “What’s my rep?” Huh? What’s he talking about? “What do you mean?”
“Those others that you’re afraid of being one of, what’s my reputation among them?”
I looked down at my folded hands in my lap in embarrassment. That’s the last thing I want to think of at this moment. “You mean the fact that you never…you know…” I couldn’t bring myself to say it. Just thinking about him with them the way he’d been with me makes me want to do bodily harm to them all.
“Exactly. How many times have I been to your bed? How many times did I fuck you? Did I just hit it and bounce? Or did I lay in bed with you talking to you? Didn’t I stay until you fell asleep each night? My eyes widened, and I nodded my head slowly as realization dawned.
I guess subconsciously, I’d seen his coming back to me as more because of convenience than anything else. Maybe he’d come to my bed three nights in a row because of the close proximity. But if that was the case, he could’ve done it with anyone of the others again and again anytime after school had he been so inclined.
So why was I still so nervous? “You’re right I know you’re right, it’s just… I don’t know… I can’t seem to shake this feeling.”
“What does it feel like?” Good question.
“Fear.” He looked at me sharply now, all semblance of relaxation gone. “Is this about that…about what almost happened to you at the party?”
I hadn’t even thought about that in a while. “No, it’s about what’s going to happen once you get back with your friends? Are you going to change your mind about us? I’m sorry, Ty, I know you said that it wouldn’t happen, but I’m just so unsure of myself, and I’m afraid that if you start treating me the way you treat the others, I’d just die.”