He eases me onto the bed, unties the scarf. As I lie there, rubbing my tingling throat, Jonah gently parts my thighs, slides the dildo out, and readjusts my panties. Then he stretches out beside me and pulls me against his chest.
We’ve never held each other in bed, after sex. Such a simple thing, but new to us. Even now we’re more or less clothed. Yet this is a more intimate moment than I’ve shared with any other lover.
“Was that okay?” he whispers against my temple.
“Yeah. It was amazing. Was it for you?”
“Every time. ” Jonah kisses my cheek, then my mouth, not shying away from the taste of his own semen the way some guys do. “You destroy me every time. Completely. ”
I’m the one who gets slapped around, thrown to the floor, tied up. But I’m the one destroying him? To anyone outside this bedroom it wouldn’t make sense. Doesn’t matter. Jonah and I understand.
He turns my face by the chin, examining me carefully. “I didn’t slap too hard, did I?”
“No. It was just right. ” I pull back enough to give him a look. “Sometime I want to fight you a lot harder. ”
“Oh, yeah. ” There are no words for the wicked anticipation in Jonah’s smile. “Maybe on a night when we don’t have to be on campus the next morning. ”
“That would work. ”
Postorgasmic drowsiness has begun to tow me down. I can stay awake a long time after coming once—but after the second climax, sleep beckons fast. I yawn against Jonah’s chest, and he cuddles me closer.
He says, “Do you want me to stay?”
That’s what most people would do now. We’re dating. We just had sex. We’re lying together in my bed, worn out and deeply satisfied. What could be more natural than asking him to spend the night?
And yet I can’t.
“Not this time. ” I prop up on one elbow. “After this—just not after this. ”
Jonah’s disappointed, I can tell, but he takes it well. “I understand that. It’s going to take a while to—to make both sides of our relationship fit together. ”
“Exactly. ” I feel more relieved than I should. “You don’t mind?”
He shakes his head no as he looks down at me. “You’ve shown me so much trust, Vivienne. More than any other woman ever has. However slowly you need to take this, it’s up to you. Always. All right?”
“All right. ” And in that moment, I like Jonah so much that I nearly ask him to stay anyway.
But I don’t.
He locks the door on his way out. I can still hear his car pulling away as I drift into deep, fathomless sleep.
Twenty-three
Maybe it’s not a big deal that I didn’t ask Jonah to stay over the first night we had sex at my house. But the fact that it was the first time since we admitted we might mean something to each other—since I realized Jonah was a man I could come to care about deeply—
That feels important.
Usually this is the kind of thing I would share with Doreen. On Monday I might. But I already know where this will lead. Doreen will ask lots of leading questions meant to tell me what I already know: If I want to have a meaningful relationship with Jonah—an honest one—I have to tell him the whole truth about my rape fantasy. What an extreme fixation it is for me, how dirty it still makes me feel sometimes, and worst of all, what happened with Anthony.
I’m not ready to talk about any of that yet. I don’t think I’ll be ready to talk about Anthony ever.
So for now I just have to carry this weight around, and hope Jonah wasn’t too offended by my asking him to leave.
He shouldn’t be, though. I get the sense Jonah likes to run into locked doors once in a while, for the pleasure of kicking them open.
• • •
The next morning, when I park my car near campus and do the usual postdrive phone check, I see a text from Jonah: Call me when you get a chance.
Rather than walk to my office, I sit down on the nearest metal bench. It’s still strange to me that Jonah’s in my contacts. That he’s a guy I call in the middle of the day, like any other important person in my life.
Jonah answers almost immediately. “Vivienne. ”
Still no hello. “Yeah. What’s up?”
“I just got a call to consult on locations for a deep-sea rig in the North Atlantic, off the coast of Scotland. ”
“Wow. That’s the kind of thing you do in person?”
“Not necessarily. But they offered to fly me out there, and Scotland is one of the places I visit whenever I can. I’ll leave tonight. ”